Running on empty
by J3NIN3
Summary: Isabella Swan is a secretary for a corporate company,& is infatuated with a very successful Jacob Black. What happens when Jacob's best friend Edward comes into the picture & changes everything for all three of them? OOC AU AH MATURE
1. Prologue

Okay so I don't want to bore you on the first page, so here it goes….

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Prologue: Miracles do happen… so I have heard…

They do happen and so I have heard… they do. People who were once doomed to their wheelchairs can suddenly get up after prayer and walk, or after years of praying the mother awakens to find that, the long lost son has finally returned… I am sure you get the picture now. But if you don't the picture is this; miracles are made of stern stuff. They are not for the faint hearted. They are hard to come by or to understand. Miracles are rare and stirring. They happen to exceptional beings. Nothing is ordinary about a miracle; it is only fair that it is reserved for that caliber.

This is what doesn't qualify my miracle as a miracle. It's not as catching. It's less dramatic. I don't know what qualifies a miracle but I know mine isn't fit. I am not stranded on a wheelchair or missing a son that has been gone for many years, for a miracle to be a miracle it needs to be big. But if a miracle needs to be big, just how big? Is Jacob a miracle, he is mine. I know nothing has happened between us but who knew I was capable of falling in love with someone I know, someone I talk to. He's not into me, granted but I feel like I'm finally approaching it- that normal kind of love… that does not exist in books, in Hollywood flicks, or with a married man over the phone (all this will explain itself as it goes) I just feel that if I achieve Jacob then I achieve normality. I have balance in my life. I have finally found something that I could reach; found a dream that could come true.

That's my kinda miracle.

A miracle is to expect that elusive phone call from him even as I know I have never given him my number. But in my mind, I have the idea that he has made some grand gesture, like ask my friend Alice for my number, no matter how difficult it must have surely been for him to look so weak. He did it… for me because spending some time with me was that important for him. In my head I have this idea that he steps up, as a man, asks me out.

That kinda miracle would be great because even though it is not grand, the fact that I could be sitting in the same table with him is my kinda miracle. Small in the massive scale of miracles but being loved by a man that I love is a miracle worth having for me.

A miracle I pray will come true.

So then, welcome to my blog. It may be disappointing for you that it's all just about regular things. A love feature, confusion is the main character and understanding is rare. That's what happens when ordinary meets ordinary; ordinary happens. I love a man that doesn't know, I have never done drugs and my obsessions are too stupid to talk about because I am addicted to passing time writing screenplays. This though is still my favorite show and I come back because I wouldn't want to miss a minute of my life.

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	2. One

If you've clicked for the first chapter that means I'm doing something write, am I correct?

Here's chapter one…Please review!!!!

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Chapter one: One

I watch him go passed me in the morning, taking his form in as I retrieve the telephone. He already has his back to me by the time I have transferred the call. This is a familiar sight. I hope I am not caught out. I've done this before, checked his butt out as he made his way up those five stairs. He could be classified as skinny, in fact, it is very safe to say so but he packs a very tight stack, very compact like that new Samsung phone. I enjoy seeing him like this. I have to; it's the only way I get to see him for most of the time. Sometimes he'll say hello on his way up and if I am really having a great morning he'll send a short glimpse my way but this sight of him, his back to me, it's a sight I know very well. I am use to it.

Oh how I wish the phone wouldn't ring now. He is bending over to buy some lunch from the food person upstairs. My favorite sight is suddenly improved. From this position, I can easily recall the explicit fantasies I have had about this man. Some perhaps even too graphic to mention on this page but seeing him like this reminds me of Saturday night. Alone at home, I read up on some internet porn then brought myself to climax thinking about him.

The phone has no right to ring now because some feelings are beginning to stir up from within me. I shouldn't have brought Saturday night up. How many orgasms was that, nine I believe. Laying flat on my back, four fingers caressing my insides as wave and waves took over my entire body. I think I am eager to go again. He gets up, dips his hand into his pocket for the cash. I know from that I have to try prolonging the two seconds I have left before he disappears into his office for the day. I slow time down, say a short prayer; 'lord I sure hope my phone doesn't ring now!'

He turns around to look back at me or more than likely look through me. And I see his face.

He is so gorgeous. His skin a pale white with the brown eyes to match. He has been made with such carefulness and great proportion. Everything in that face is exactly where it ought to be. It's funny; yes, I think it's funny… I am crushing on a white guy and have made conclusions and suppositions about his face and its great proportions and yet he rarely smiles at me. You see it's his look though… it lets me know that he is not made of stone.

I am already questioning the reality of that a few seconds later when my friend Alice approaches me from behind.

ALICE: Hey, Honey!

Alice always greets so willingly. I love her very much and I love her much more for her interest in this friendship but because of her interruption, I can't help a vicious thought coming through about her in my brain. A big bold capitalized exclamation: **BLONDES!!!**

BELLA: Hey you!

Alice is the blonde, not you. Bella here would be me. Nice to meet you too and I think it's wonderful that you're still here. You've been keeping up right? So then, you know that I have far more impressive things to do than chat to Alice at the moment. Don't get me wrong she's a beautiful girl and if I were lesbian, I'd do her. Trouble is I am not so I'd much rather be looking at Jacob at the moment.

BELLA: Wussup!

ALICE: I got the latest glamour like we talked about.

BELLA: You were being serious?

ALICE: Of course honey. You said you wanted to start wearing makeup and I want to show you that just because you're of darker skin tone doesn't mean it's not meant for you. Ok I think you should just look at the magazine then you'll see that there are even girls who are darker than you wearing their pinks and oranges.

BELLA: Ye but Alice they are being paid thousands to look stupid.

ALICE: Stop it! Don't criticize until you've seen it and most of all tried it. So here… you have the whole day with this, just have a look and we can talk about it later.

I dare not challenge Alice. I've known her only a year but I am quite familiar with her resolve. She may be small but she rarely goes unheard. What Alice sees as important we all come to know and know very well! Some may see her as haughty and imposing in her opinions and although at times I am inclined to agree with them but this I'll take as a positive. It is an incredible achievement for a blonde to not be a blonde if you know what I mean.

I leisurely flip through the pages of the magazine. I guess I do need something to help me pass the time. There are two sides to being a company secretary slash receptionist as I suppose there is for any other job. It is both easy and difficult. It's difficult because it expects you to give up a lot of who you are. I constantly have to accommodate idiots who seem to think that just because this is what I do now I have no brain to do something else. However, to a certain degree that is easy too, you get use to that.

They become part of the customs. When you expect someone to act as if they know better than you do, then you're better equipped to handle them. I know what to expect from my job every day of the week. I will have to arrange at least one committee meeting a week, schedule appointments for the exco team, prepare over 20 manuscripts, grant proposals, statistical reports, tables… I am driving myself crazy now so I will stop but now without saying this; I will have to transfer over a thousand calls or more appropriately, what feels like over a thousand calls. Half of those calls will turn out to be wrong numbers.

Just as guaranteed are the impolite idiots who are just absolutely convinced that their problems are everybody's problems and oh yes let us not leave out the boss because she will most certainly find something for me to do and try to get me to be just as wretched as her sex life is.

The difficulty is that person deserves a page of her own but sadly, for her and her existence this is only a 500-page piece, I do not have any more lines to spare. I just saw Jacob; I want to keep this high going for a while.

Today has been typically uneventful. When I wasn't doing calendar maintenance I alternated between designing wallpapers on Photoshop, working on my writing but mostly I just sat and thought of Jacob Black, hope against all reasonable hope that I get to see him and maybe even talk to him. I never get to hear him speak. He'll send a forwarded e-mail every once in a long time but I never get to hear that boy speak.

It's become a dream for me. I can't wait to go home and think about him some more. My God, I am suddenly annoyed at myself. When did this guy become such a major part of what makes my clock tick. He never even speaks to me. How could I have given away so much without getting in return?

I look up at the clock it's 4:15, he should be leaving in the next 15 minutes or so. Let's hope he uses this door today. Last week Friday I waited passed my knock off time just to get a glimpse of him.

Pathetic I know especially because he left out the back with Stephanie. Shit! I really hope he doesn't make that decision again today. If I so much as wait for him five more minutes than I should then I am getting home after seven. I hate getting home late; it just never gives me time to get over today before gearing up for tomorrow.

Nevertheless, if it means that I get to see him or that I get to take something with me tonight then I'll wait. I make a decision to sit and wait. If things keep typical as they have for most of today, he should be leaving in the next 15 minutes. I always set the scene for some strange reason, which I haven't quite figured out yet.

I don't want him to think of me as never having anything to do. Then I guess to me it means that if he sees me doing nothing then he'll figure that all I do is sit there and well…think about him. Today I think I'll write. Nothing too overwhelming, just a popular Robin Thicke song should do. It's been such a useless day; I don't feel inspired enough to attempt something innovative.

I begin with: "Ladies and Gentlemen this is the evolution of me". That's as far as I get before the gate buzzer prompts my pause. I am irritated by this one. All he does is waste a good 2 minutes just standing there, not pulling, this he does despite the fact that the heavy steel gate does not in any part bare the instruction "Automatic gates, please come in". He's made me speak through the intercom. I hate speaking through the intercom, why is it so much to ask people to use their damn brains? He is friendlier when he finally does make his way through. He demonstrates a sense of humor about him that I don't mind.

GENTLEMAN: That gate must come with its own manual or something.

BELLA: I am really sorry about that, it happens more often than not so you can take solace in that.

GENTLEMAN: No I am sorry just didn't realize how easy it is to actually look dumb.

BELLA: Ye exposed by the gate, did we ever think?

I have taken a liking to him very easily. Apart from the fact that he's made me laugh a couple of times already he is no slacker in the looks department. I guess my weakness for tall white men has returned because I swear that smile is the best thing I've seen since St, Josephs lilies. Did I mention I've taken a liking to him...?

GENTLEMAN: My name is Edward Cullen, I am looking for a guy names Jacob Black.

BELLA: Jacob Black?

Now it isn't because I am hard of hearing that I repeat his name to this handsome person who stands before me but I am still trying to find my heart, which as it appears limped out of my chest with the mention of Jacob's name. I hope it doesn't show. 'Well for it not to show Bella you've got to say something". After bluntly reminding myself, my senses find me again. I'm still there. (And oh I suppose there's no real reason to refer to Edward as "gentleman" anymore")

EDWARD: Do you know him?

BELLA: Of course I know Jacob. You don't work at this company if I don't know you.

EDWARD: Would you call him down for me?

BELLA: Guess they do pay me to do something.

I am wearing a HUGE smile by the time I dial Jacob's extension. My heart is glad about Edward. So glad in fact I haven't even given thought to the fact that it's Jacob's on the other end.

JACOB: Jacob speaking, good day.

His voice always surprises me. I never hear him speak that often so I really haven't gotten the opportunity to get use to the softness and the humility that it carries. It's almost as if he is whispering, like he is a secret presence that no one should figure out.

BELLA: Jacob, its Isabella.

JACOB: Hey!

BELLA: Edward Cullen is downstairs for you.

I dimly record to myself the fact that Jacob said he'd be right down. I guess I am floating on the possibility that I am going to get to see him before he leaves. That's kinda nice!

Edward: So do you like him?

Lord I actually forgot about Edward. Wait a second, what did he just say?

BELLA: Do I? Do I like who?

EDWARD: Jacob do you think he is good looking?

BELLA: I guess he's alright!

I hope I'm doing well here. Did I mention that I think it's strange that he's asking me these questions?

EDWARD: You think he is sexy?

BELLA: Oh yes, he is definitely sexy!

I hope Jacob didn't hear that because even though I said it as a joke and the handsome Edward received it as one… I hope Jacob didn't hear that. It was said right as he came down the stairs. I take the fact that he doesn't say anything as a good sign. I cringe my face with curiosity when I notice they are shaking hands. Is this business?

EDWARD: Was just having an interesting conversation here with…

BELLA: Our lady reception… Edward thinks you're sexy…

EDWARD: Hey, hey, hey I am not that kinda guy.

Look at him he's not even laughing. My God does he even know I am here.

JACOB: You wanna come up?

EDWARD: Are you sure it's okay?

JACOB: Of course it is.

Should only be a couple of minutes. And it does take a couple of minutes before they come down again. I don't know why I always choose to stay for these moments because they always go the same way. He comes down, says goodbye without even a look of acknowledgment. And while I relish everything, it doesn't seem to make any difference to him. I don't seem to make any difference to him.

Edward manages to salvage the day for his friend by coming up to me.

Edward: It was nice to finally meet you Bella.

~*~

See the button at the bottom of the page? Click it.


	3. Theoretically Speaking

Chapter two: Theoretically Speaking!

I Practiced the signature… you know what it will probably look like once we're married. Isabella Black I repeatedly autographed until I found what I saw as the ideal. And this I must add; it looked good. How about we skip the pathetic speech for now and perhaps discuss possibilities instead.

A friend of his came to pick him up from work yesterday. As if my heart rate didn't race quickly enough when the guy asked for him, he had to ask me if I like him. Not him 'guy asking' but him 'guy he is there to pick up'. Do I like my guy? Just like that! Out of nowhere, out of the blue and fresh out of uncalled for. For that one question alone is capable of twisting me up inside more than any other question in this entire world and that includes 'Will you marry me?'

To be honest when he asked, I didn't make anything of it. I guess it's one of those adrenalin things I always wondered about. In fact at the time I thought he had won some strange competition and so they were going around asking women if they found him sexy, just on a general scale.

Please say that adrenalin affects the ability to reason, it's the only way I can ever let myself off the hook for thinking that. I'm being honest, that's what I figured. I still figure that but I told my friend Chanel and she had a theory and even though it's not the truth I would probably admit that although it is shit it is my favorite theory.

Friend reckons Jacob told a few people about me but he also told them that he wasn't sure about me. So on a mission to find out what it is I think of him he sends out his friend Edward to find out if I would be interested- yes fishing! It's bull but hey it's my kinda bull.

This is how cuz imagines the conversation enfolded over at Jacob's place while his friend Edward and another one, probably with a strange name like EMMETT or something, were hanging around for the night.

EDWARD: So have you met anyone interesting.

EMMETT: Someone that you think you may be inclined to try Saturday night at Vaca.

JACOB: Yes actually I have. Her name is Bella.

She stops suddenly; she reckons that would have been too easy. She concludes that from what she has heard of Jacob so far he appears a very difficult young man so he would have made this difficult for his friends. She takes it from the top.

EDWARD: So have you met anyone interesting yet?

JACOB: Of course I have met a couple of interesting girls since the last time you asked five minutes ago.

EMMETT: Sorry it may appear as though we're rushing you but we're tired of having to pretend like we fine with the fact that you're not getting laid.

JACOB: Who says I'm not getting laid?

EDWARD: We are! Do you even remember the last time you got laid?

JACOB: Of course I do, Saturday night.

EMMETT and Edward both burst out in laughter. Jacob is not contented by the fact that he is forced to wait it out.

JACOB: Why is the fact that I got laid Saturday funny?

EDWARD: Because you didn't get laid Saturday night. We went to Melrose; you drank so much you eventually passed out on my couch.

JACOB: That was after Sammie and I did it at the back of the club I swear.

EMMETT: Josh man the fact that you have to lie about getting laid means that you need to get laid.

EDWARD: You need to get laid.

EMMETT: Dude I aint no relationship expect but…

EMMETT + EDWARD: (Simultaneously) you need to get laid.

EMMETT: Now I've told you that I'll always take care of you right even when you can't remember how to take care of yourself.

JACOB: What did you do?

EMMETT: I put a profile for you on line

JACOB: You did what?

EMMETT: Thank me later. I also put up a picture. Now I don't know if I've mentioned this to you before but I'm not quite fond of the shape of your nose.

EDWARD: No!

JACOB: No?

EMMETT + EDWARD: No!

Feeling a bit insecure, he reaches for his nose, feeling for its accused ampleness.

EMMETT: Again I have you covered; it was nothing Photoshop couldn't fix.

JACOB: You fixed me on Photoshop?

EMMETT: Ye your nose and I also gave you smaller ears.

This time he feels for his ears. It's funny he wasn't aware there were so many imperfections to the way he looked. He is not sure he can survive this bashing.

EMMETT: Really concerned about you man!

JACOB: Well you know I am fine. I don't have to go on line to meet women. Heck there's women at work I wouldn't mind going out with.

EDWARD: Ye like Bella.

JACOB: How do you know Bella?

EMMETT: Who is Bella?

JACOB: A really beautiful lady that Josh works with.

EMMETT: You work with women?

JACOB: Of course I do. I work for a telephone company and it's not in MARS.

EDWARD: And Bella is one.

JACOB: You haven't answered my question, how do you know her?

EDWARD: Isabella is the receptionist at your company everyone knows her.

EMMETT: There's a hot receptionist there by ya'll?

JACOB: Ye everyone in the company. I don't know how you would know her.

EDWARD: Spoken to Bella a number of times over the phone, I think she's a great gal.

JACOB: Is this how you failed your matric? They asked you one thing but you answered another.

EDWARD: Remember when I use to deliver for metro tapes.

JACOB: You had that job for 2 days.

EDWARD: Well for 2 days I delivered at your job and Bella use to sign off for me. Speaking of jobs I gatta find one, do you guys have some thing for me?

JACOB: You had a job this morning, you worked for Gillmich.

EDWARD: Yes I quit. Do you know they work over the December holidays?

Both Jacob and Emmett sigh.

JACOB: Yes and that is absolutely a train smash! Well I can't get for you at my job, we also work in December.

EMMETT: Don't look at me, I know nothing at the moment but we'll be in the look out. So does this mean I mustn't expect rent money this month?

EDWARD: Expect it; I am just not sure it will come. Look I am sure I'll have a job by then and if not then I'll just get some money from my father.

EMMETT: You repulse me!

EDWARD: Thanks!

EMMETT: Lazy bum like you who is too lazy to work, too lazy to think is the one with the fancy car, gets all the girls, simply because he's got a cute face and a rich Daddy.

EDWARD: The world aint fair isn't it?

JACOB: I'm gonna go get a shower.

EDWARD: Are you gonna jerk off to the memory of Bella?

JACOB: Must you always be so disgusting?

EDWARD: I could find out for you if she's interested.

JACOB: How can you do that?

EDWARD: Oh so you are interested!

JACOB: Just shut up and tell me how you can find out.

EDWARD: I could come pick you up tomorrow…

EMMETT: That should be easy seeing that you are currently unemployed…

EDWARD: And you thought it didn't have any advantages.

JACOB: You come pick me up then what?

EDWARD: Then you could take your time coming down thus giving me a chance to weave my magic.

JACOB: And you won't mention me?

EDWARD: Am I dumb?

JACOB: Do you really expect an honest answer?

EDWARD: Never mind… point is you might know by the end of the night whether or not you can ask her out Saturday night.

EMMETT: There's just one problem with that plan! If she is as good as Edward says she is then there's no chance he'll go out with her. He is only attracted to women that he can never last with.

JACOB: I don't think she'll go for me actually. Bella seems like she's got such a level head, she seems like she knows who she is and where she is going…

EMMETT: You're right, there's no way a woman like that would go out with you let alone should. She is such a major leap from Norah or Nelly. That is scary!

Chanel then imagines that they shared a laugh on Jacob's expense while in the meantime I shared a laugh at her expense because of this mad theory.

BELLA: It's attractive but it's fictitious. That man hardly knows I am there and now supposedly he has spoken about me with his friends.

CHANEL: Stranger things have happened. Emily Dickinson.

BELLA: She's a fluke. You should be helping me get over this, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you never strong when I need you to be?

CHANEL: We could always fix you up with somebody.

BELLA: I don't wanna be fixed up. I want Jacob.

CHANEL: Well maybe you should think about being friendlier to him.

BELLA: I have been friendly to him. I forward him emails, talk to him about nonsense should I run into him in the kitchen. I don't know what else to do really.


	4. Dear Edward!

Chapter three: Dear EDWARD!

The conversation I had with you this afternoon was only successful in driving me insane. Can't help but wonder if that was your intention. All night long all I did was tossed and turned just absolutely euphoric about the idea that Jacob Black might actually like me as much as I like him. When Chanel first ran it by me I was absolutely convinced that it was idiotic and bullish but I have since come to admit that; that is

my kinda bull.

The kinda bull that is capable of putting a wide smile on my face and help me gain my confidence back. Today he can do no wrong and I can do no wrong. The more I think about his face the more I feel like getting up. He inspires me. I want to see him more. I want totalk to him more. I want to sing more happy songs. I want to listen to Michael Buble and Robin Thicke, LeAnn Rimes and Norah Jones and have those songs and their meaning make sense to me. I want to dance more.

I want this high that I am on now to just last and last. And still he has become the only way I can maintain it. Maybe I will sing loud enough; that whatever power that is out there, that governs who we meet and fall in love with, will consider my happiness and the fact that he seems to be the only one who can give me that.

Save the pathetic speech, today has been my day! And it's all because of you Edward. You probably have been thanked for many things before. And if this somehow ends up in your weirdest of lists then allow it because I didn't want you to ever believe that there's anything that you do or say that goes unnoticed. You have given me happiness. Thank you Edward!


	5. Opportunity

**OKAY, after this things start getting spicy…..please review ****…**

**Thanks to KBorG3ss, for edits.**

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Chapter four: Opportunity

Where to start with opportunity? I know it is not something you get all the time and that once it comes you have to make the most of it because you might never get it back. I have been praying for opportunity and this morning I believe I was finally rewarded with one. As always, I would be on the lookout for him but never really dream it as a real chance. To actually see him there and talk to him seemed right out there with my unrealistic fantasies about marrying Marat Safin but this morning it became more than just a possibility it was a reality.

The story begins with me spotting him across the road chatting to a friend. He may have his back to me but I've seen that back many times before, it's actually encrypted into my brain like the lyrics to my favorite song. What is my favorite song by the way? 'offspring' Yes! 'Preety fly for a white guy'

"Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh

And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy

He needs some cool tunes, not just any will suffice

But they didn't have Ice Cube so he bought Vanilla Ice

Now cruising in his Pinto, he sees homies as he pass

But if he looks twice, they're gonna kick his lilly ass!

Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh

Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh"

Ok perhaps not the most brilliant of songs but a favorite is a favorite. Now back to the story.

I make some light joke to myself proving once again correct that old say that small things amaze small minds. He's in the wrong neighborhood; I find that funny. The thought of him in distress and lost is funny to me. However, while I am entertaining myself so sizably this other creep, (let us call him Elton because well that's what his name is) comes up to me trying to make conversation but has no choice but to leave me alone when he notices that I have my earphones on. I'm grateful for that but when I look to where Jacob was he's suddenly gone.

I am disappointed but I somehow convince myself that he must have disappeared into the crowd that's why I can't see him. Oh well that's familiar territory for me. Disappointment is my roommate; we've shared this room for years now. I have gotten use to its habits including that one annoying trait of it sticking around long after you've kicked it out.

Disappointment sticks!

And it's stuck on again; I'm living with it but not for long this time. I look up and I see him. He's just come into the café. He doesn't seem to be so lost now; he is finding his way to the cigarette aisle quite easily.

I play with my tea while keeping my eyes glued to his every movement. He walks like he talks, leisurely and calm like no one holds the right to know that he is there. I am determined to make this count though; he's not leaving here until he's seen me. First thing I do is taking off for my earphones, then get the waiters attention, calling him out so that Jacob looks up too.

It is then that he sees me. It bothers me that a minute seems to go by without any sort of reaction from him but when his lips finally part with a smile I rejoice inside again relieved to know that he is not stone.

While I am enjoying my second cup of coffee he pays for his cigarette and gum but soon joins me at the table. I guess we'll never know whether he came because he wanted to or because of common courtesy, all I know is that I had a great time at that table and he smiled and laughed as if he were too.

JACOB: So apparently you don't have dinner.

BELLA: I come here frequently actually. It's a nice way to start a morning. What about you, what are you doing here?

JACOB: Well…

He has to hold that thought when the waiter comes offering him a cup of coffee. I take the fact that he lets him fill it up as a good sign. He's not going anywhere.

JACOB: I come here every morning for cigarettes.

BELLA: No way!

JACOB: Yes way. I come in, buy some cigarettes and a cup of coffee and walk to work; it's like my morning ritual.

BELLA: It's my morning ritual, apart from the cigarettes of course.

JACOB: You're here every morning?

BELLA: Apparently you are too.

JACOB: It's funny we don't run into each other more often.

BELLA: We probably will after this morning.

JACOB: Yes it's funny how life always does that don't you think?

BELLA: It has to keep it's mysteries I suppose.

JACOB: Yes imagine if we all suddenly woke up and realized that we knew it all, life, love and everything else.

BELLA: Then what would be the point?

JACOB: Peace of mind. But it's never what we're after is it?

BELLA: No we're creatures of frustration and confusion.

JACOB: Just the way we like it.

I should start reading this pattern better but I am afraid long after this morning has gone, I won't remember anything but marvelous talk.

We were in each other's company for almost an hour and a half, there was silence at times but to me it was just a pause because altogether they don't even add up to a minute. He is such an interesting person, his cleverness and promptness to me his best qualities. He never runs out. I know he describes himself as withdrawn but I didn't see any of that this morning.

JACOB: My mother is actually from Germany but her mother is black and her father white.

BELLA: Really?

JACOB: She met my father who is actually half-Irish and half Nigerian at a business conference in Durban. Then I was consummated in London while they were away on a trip but born in Johannesburg.

BELLA: (Laughing) my goodness there's a little bit of you everywhere isn't there?

JACOB: You should check my family. Now I am more on my father side than my mother side and I look different from all of them.

BELLA: Yes of course you do.

JACOB: But they look different from each other because not all my uncles married 'conventionally' if you know what I mean. I got about six Chinese cousins, three white and four colored. The true and real meaning of the rainbow nation.

BELLA: But I imagined it must be exciting around your family.

JACOB: Did you hear me? I said 6 Chinese cousins, 3 white and 4 colored that would make me the only "black" guy there. But I'm lucky I guess they never make me feel like I don't belong or out of place or anything. My father also owns a football club and we're funded by the Irish South African football association.

BELLA: There is no such thing!

JACOB: Yes there is. Only Irish people are part of it. I guess I sort of am ha?

It surprised me how at ease we were with each other, how we laughed at each other's stupid jokes, or had just the right words for one another's problem as if…well we just could without any real meaning or understanding.

BELLA: I have had one real boyfriend in my life and that was in high school.

He shows me an impressive smile… you know one that says he's interested in this story… my story.

JACOB: This I gatta hear.

BELLA: I was 14 when we first met; we were in the same class…

JACOB: Hmm that one ha?

BELLA: Yes that one. I had just moved back, cos my mom and I lived in Thokoza for a while and I saw this guy…this beautiful boy in my class. I had a thing for him from day one. So anyway, I befriend his neighbor, unknowingly of course. So I start talking about Clinton and how handsome I think he is and guess what?

JACOB: She goes and tells him.

BELLA: You're clever!

JACOB: Then what happens once he finds out?

BELLA: He comes up to me says if I think he is handsome and he knows that I am beautiful then we should just get together. We dated all through high school.

JACOB: That's 4 years!

BELLA: It was great but we were kids you know, we had no idea what we were doing and to some level we had no idea what we felt either.

JACOB: So what happened, how did it eventually end?

BELLA: I ended it, we just became two different people, we had different interests, different friends, it just felt like it was time to move on.

JACOB: So it was mutual.

BELLA: To some level. He took it badly at the time but he got engaged and had twins only a year later, so yes it was a mutual decision. What's your love story? Who turned you into stone?

JACOB: I wouldn't say I've been turned to stone completely just yet. I have been guilty however of turning one girl into stone.

BELLA: Your Clinton?

JACOB: My very own Clinton! Yet it was messy and I don't even do messy. She moved in, we lived together for about a year but it got too much when we thought she might have fallen pregnant. Her father fell off the handles, accused me of mistreating his daughter, they fought a lot over me. But I didn't love her anymore it didn't make any sense. The only thing that did was to break up. I didn't love her as much as she did me.

BELLA: It's always sad when that happens.

JACOB: Has it ever happened to you?

BELLA: Yes it has and all the time. It's the story of my life actually. I'm actually looking forward to finding another one of those I can love but who won't love me back. I am thinking my next victim should be Josh Hartnett. I mean that is pretty unattainable don't you think?

JACOB: That sounds interesting; let me know how it goes.

We share a laugh again. Little does he know I am breaking down inside.

I love the way the conversation keeps its high throughout our walk back to the office. And he surprises me even more by asking my company throughout his smoke interlude. I can't believe my good fortune that is until a sudden concern overwhelms me. Why am I unhappy about the fact that he can be himself around me?

It comes at me like an avalanche, the harsh realization that he is not attracted to me…not in that way. All this time I have questioned whether or not he even saw me but now I know he does just in the scariest of way. I am just a friend. What follows after is a blur of emotions that are wrapped in a bundle of disappointment.

JACOB: Can you come?

BELLA: Come where?

JACOB: At Melrose this Saturday. God I just said, you don't listen when I talk to you, it goes in one ear and out the other.

Look. I really want something to happen here but as I share a light moment, I realize that we get along so well that it has just tick off to friendship. I tell him I'll be happy to meet him at Melrose. He counts Edward amongst the friends that will be there.

JACOB: You remember Edward don't you?

BELLA: Yes I remember Edward; he seems like a great guy.

JACOB: he tries.

~*~

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	6. Melrose Place

The beginning of a long love triangle!!! REVIEW

~*~

Chapter five: Melrose Place

I barely thought about anything but Jacob until I arrived at Melrose that night. I feel a little strange coming here. This isn't much of my scene and I am absolutely convinced that the makeup and the dress make me look gawky.

It's all in the mind of course, there is nothing physically wrong with the look it just feels strange for many reasons. One is that I hadn't been out on a Saturday night for what felt like a good while and I am not sure what to expect from this crowd.

Seriously, what do all these all people do when they gather in a place like this? There isn't much talking I'd imagine. It would be near impossible to talk over the loud music or is it talk through it. I mean I can hear it from across the street as I approach the sidewalk.

There has to be dancing involved, lots of it in fact, which I am positive, I pretty much cannot do either. I mean I do throw down at home especially to that Beyonce 'Get me Bodied' song but I somehow imagine those 'arm flinging' steps would be deemed unusual in the club scene. What is that playing in the background? I don't even recognize that sound. Is this normal? Should I be getting a headache as a reaction to the music that is playing… already? Oh dammit! I'm in for a long night aren't I?

My insecurities and doubts about my chosen outfit for the night are proven as baseless when the door attendant lets me in without a wait. It was his praise that I chose to record instead of the rambles of complaints that he now had to adhere to because he had let me in ahead of the queue. It's not my problem tonight.

I maneuver my way through the already buzzing crowd, making my way to the bar, which still has some lunacy to it. I am not sure how much longer it can keep that though. I know I don't go out much but I know the bar to be responsible for all the wild times that can go on during the night.

I order a cocktail. A strawberry daiquiri simply because it is always a triumph for me to get that pronunciation first time without a flinch. But I do hope I won't have to wait long till Jacob and his friends come over. If I have to sit 20 minutes by my lonesome self then I am sure this will look as ridiculously painful as it feels.

My drink is ready in a few minutes. If it weren't for Jacob coming out with me I would have given a bartender a chance. He's tall and well built and the fact that he's white adds to the thrill.

I wonder what my mother would do if I brought home a white boy? Aside from having a heart attack of course. She'll probably give me that long speech about how white people aren't as friendly as they want us to believe. How they pretend to be worthy of our trust when they will never come close to deserving it. But Jacob is white, isn't he?

He doesn't look black, you'll never know unless he tells you that his father is half

Nigerian… that he was mixed. I wonder what reaction that will reciprocate from my mother. I think she hates the Nigerians more than the whites… so Jacob should be acceptable.

She works for the clothing industrial council of South Africa so naturally her experience with the Nigerians hasn't been attractive. She blames them for the crime, the hiked interest rate and even the current shortage of the electricity. As heart wrenching as that is, Jacob has nothing to do with it.

He is just a guy I work with whose father happens to be half Nigerian… and the fact that he happens to be so good-looking is just an added bonus ( for me not my mother of course).

I haven't waited five more minutes when Jacob came up to me. It turns out they have been here an hour already and were just outback trying to help Edward with his love life.

BELLA: What's wrong with Edward's love life?

JACOB: It's none existent as of tonight. Edward quit his job yesterday and she just found out.

BELLA: She broke up with him because of that.

JACOB: You don't understand. This is the third job this month and his 15th of the year.

BELLA: 15 jobs in a year? It's only June!

JACOB: They were talking about getting married and he needed to prove that he could be responsible but not our Edward.

BELLA: He sounds like someone who just needs understanding

JACOB: You always do this

BELLA: What?

JACOB: Try to understand everyone. Some nights like tonight its ok not to have a brain. Come on I am going to introduce you to everyone.

I am surprised to him hear him say my name but not so surprised to hear him introduce me as a 'friend'. It's as if he is on a ruthless mission to get it through my stubborn head that he is not into me. It isn't working so far.

There are a couple of them but I note Everette because he introduces him as one of his best friend. I also note to myself that Edward is not there at the time of the introductions but would later spot him at the bar drinking all by himself. Jacob had been entertaining himself with some friends and I was not particularly thrilled with the company he had abandoned me with so I decide to join Edward. I am not exactly certain he will remember me but he had appeared easy and approachable on Thursday I figure it worth it to take a chance.

BELLA: Please tell me that's your first.

He bursts out laughing turning to look at me.

EDWARD: No no no Bella it was never going to be my first. I've been here over 2 hours, my girlfriend has just dumped me, and I am outta work, so no this is not my first. You gonna try and stop me?

BELLA: No it looks like you got every reason to. I'll join you. Mine is lighter than yours is, it may not work as effectively as yours may either.

EEDWARD: There's ways that could be fixed. Do you drive?

BELLA: I have had a couple of lessons but I don't have my license yet.

EDWARD: It's good enough for me. Come on He led me outside to his car where he tossed the key to his silver Bimmer my way. I haven't driven something so exclusive before so you can imagine I wasn't thinking much about Jacob, just about making it to wherever without being stopped by the cops or getting into a car crash.

~*~

PLENTY of lemons in the next chap…


	7. Blame it on the alcohol

Chapter six: Blame it on the alcohol

He took me to his fathers' house in Linksfield. The neighborhood is so gorgeous and elite I've always dreamt of owning a home there. It scared me just a little to be in this rich neighborhood with a man I barely know but for some reason it felt cathartic to finally do something different with my Saturday night.

We stumble into the front door, break into laughter when we trip over each other at the door. Edward had some more booze in his car to splurge on.

I wasn't at all that innocent but better than him, I just had a couple more glasses of sweet white wine. However I am not a regular drinker so that had proved to be a couple too many for me. Edward found the light switch and I couldn't help but remark; on not only the size of the house but also the lavishness of it.

BELLA: This is your house, it's stunning.

EDWARD: Actually it's my Dad's place but I'll accept the award on his behalf.

BELLA: Is he home?

EDWARD: He's in America for business for a couple of weeks.

BELLA: You people are just a distinct circle of friends from the ones I have. Your father has a house in Linksfield, he's away in America, you lived in America. I swear I find it strange. I have never even been to the Free State.

Edward laughs.

BELLA: Jacob is the same.

EDWARD: You're so incredibly into him aren't you.

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: All the girls are. It's that quiet exterior, makes him look mysterious and introverted. Just be warned ok, he's got a lot more going on than he appears.

BELLA: I am not like all the other girls.

EDWARD: I've noticed.

BELLA: And you don't have a lot more going than you seem?

EDWARD: No I don't. What you see is what you get. Like you for instance…

BELLA: What about me?

EDWARD: I can tell just by looking at you that you're great because you don't know it, you're beautiful but you don't know it, you pretty much keep to yourself, you're very brave, I know that because you're here with me now. (Bella smiles) You have a great smile but that you know. This isn't really your thing…

BELLA: What isn't?

EDWARD: Saturday nights at Melrose or anywhere in a crowded place really. You would rather be home with a good book.

BELLA: I don't mind the company every once in a while.

EDWARD: And I could be mighty good company. Come on I know a great big bar upstairs.

And we converse over dimmed lights at the bar, drinking some more and eating peanuts.

EDWARD: It's not so much that Terry broke up with me you know but it's just my life and the direction that it's taking. I mean I am 28 years

BELLA: Really, you're 28.

EDWARD: Yes in a month. You?

BELLA: Oh, no I am not telling you.

EDWARD: Why not?

BELLA: Because you're not really 28.

EDWARD: I will be… 2 years from now. When will you be 28?

BELLA: Nice try.

We both roar into laughter. I am 28 I should tell him that, this is a great opportunity but I feel embarrassed so I decide that Edward doesn't need to know how old I am. What are the chances that I'll even see him again after tonight?

EDWARD: People know at my age right, what it is that they wanna do.

BELLA: Actually they have no idea.

EDWARD: Everyone thinks that everything is laid out for me you know because I have a rich father who's constantly reassured me that it all goes to me when he's done but they all don't realize…even my father that this isn't what I wanna do.

BELLA: And what is that?

EDWARD: That's what I'm having trouble figuring out.

BELLA: Don't put all this pressure on yourself, it's supposed to be a blast figuring out who you are. Everything always comes with time.

EDWARD: I knew you'd make a difference in my life the minute I met you…

That's when he turned and looked at me suggestively for the first time. Does this mean he wants to have sex tonight? I know, I know it's a ridiculous question but I haven't had sex in 4years and I am not quite sure what men do to signal their interest these days.

Really all I know about the subject these days is the limited knowledge I have from seeing animals 'doing it' in wild on the Discovery Channel. So what does the male lion do to signal his intention to the female again? Shit! I can't remember! I'd try again but Edward is smelling so good it has a confusing upshot. At this point I can't remember anything that might be of practical help.

Oh wait here is something; should I be lucky enough that Edward makes his move, I won't turn him down.

EDWARD: If I get my life right then maybe I can attract a girl like you.

BELLA: A girl like me?

EDWARD: You know…someone whose just right, smart, has direction… is beautiful.

Perhaps it is the way he cleared my hair out of my face that held my brain. All I remember thinking is this; in normal time where speed will never permit men like Edward to give me a time of day, this moment doesn't exist. It is just a fabrication.

I have to slow it down to my pace; savor this moment a little longer. He is so striking; he has to be remarkably drunk to even be sitting across me as he is now. Since when does a guy like Edward look at me as if he sees me? Since when does he take me to his fathers' house in Linksfield, I love Linksfield… to drink with me, laugh with me and show an interest in having sex with me, just regular mundane me.

I know from the moment his lips touch mine that this is going to be a beautiful and passionate night. It was the softness of his lips against mine, the prudence of his touch as his hands journey around me and the manner in which I am pinched into the kiss. This feels so dream like. I have just floated into this moment, drifted into this wonderful time zone where I got to have sex again.

I climaxed 9 times… yes I am boasting. Once the first time he penetrated, four times the second time while I was on top, twice when he came down on me and twice again, when he penetrated from behind. He is a certified ten from each position. We fell asleep naked in each other's arms, sheets pushed to the foot of the bed, legs crossed over each other.

~*~

Reviews make the heart swell!


	8. The morning after

Chapter seven: The morning after

It didn't surprise me to be the first to climb out of bed that morning. I had been the more lucid of the two last night. I knew this was going to be strange so I was hoping to make it out of the house and Linksfield before Edward wakes up. I take a quick shower (probably not such a great idea when you're dodging someone…the whole time thing), put on last night's clothing (nothing wrong with that) but that excludes my panties (????) because as that would go I am having a rather problematical time finding them. That's regret; I'm rather fond of that pair.

BELLA: I don't have time for this.

I really feel I have to make it out of here before this handsome man I had sex with last night wakes up to realize that he's made a repulsive mistake sleeping with me. I don't think I want to stick around for that potentially hurtful realization that not only did he court a black woman but it was an unattractive one at that.

Oh Lord he is beginning to squirm… I just need to find my other shoe and get out of here.

BELLA: Where the fuck is that damn shoe?

He's going to come out of this any second now. I have to find that shoe. He continues to squirm around a minute or two more but I manage to find my shoe before he can open his eyes, what I don't manage however is leaving the bedroom before he opens his eyes. He is aware that I am there. I am not out of sight nor timid just filled with the intent to show him that he does not intimidate me but I can reject him before he rejects me.

He surprises me a little. He seems to be more remembering of last night than I would have thought. He doesn't appear to be easy but he's not regretful either… just aware.

EDWARD: What time is it?

BELLA: 12:30

EDWARD: Not quite 5 'o clock as I hoped.

I don't respond he finds this as awkward as I do.

EDWARD: You're leaving.

BELLA: Yes, I got a lot to do to get ready for Monday.

EDWARD: Where do you live? Wait you told me, its Elray Place right?

BELLA: It's in Sindringham!

EDWARD: Yes I know where it is, its 15 minutes from here. Let me drop you off.

BELLA: It's fine I can get a taxi.

EDWARD: No I will drop you off. I just need a couple minutes to get dressed and have some painkillers.

BELLA: Ok I'll wait in the lounge downstairs.

EDWARD: Good idea.

I think of calling my cousin while I wait but I can't even imagine this working out in my favor. I keep imagining how much of a hard time I'd actually have explaining that to him if he were to come in while I'm chatting about him to her. I can call Tiago later. Right now I think I'll just sit and look as awkward as I feel but my mind can still wonder.

I really must have a word with that guy who made alcohol.

Edward and I were so snug around one another last night, felt like I knew him my whole life and this morning I can't buy a word to say to him.

Was it Jesus? It has to be him with that whole 'turning water into wine thing'- it was at that wedding. No one really mentioned the groom and brides names. So now million and millions years later we keep referring to it as 'that wedding'. I reckon the bride is really ticked off about that.

If I were her I'd want people to remember my wedding day. She even had Jesus Christ on the guest list… really what must a woman do to get some recognition. I really don't remember reading about alcohol prior to that but then I don't even know my old testament that well. But that comes from thinking that the bible is the oldest book in the world. Is it? I am not sure! I should Google it. because if it was Jesus who came up with it then he's directly liable for last night but I would have to dismiss the charges on the grounds that he died for my sins… and of course that small knowledge that I rather enjoy being in his good books.

EDWARD: I can never find a painkiller in this house when I need one. I am ready.

He startled me a little. I wasn't expecting him for at least five more minutes. He hasn't totally shaken off his hangover but he should easily bear the half an hour it should take him to drop me off at my place then come back here. The tension is so apparent that it makes the 15 minute drive feel longer. We just want to be rid of each other. He would have preferred I take a taxi but it's just that damn decency inside of him that he has elected to drive me to my flat.

The music is one way of coping; he has on some local radio station that manages to ease us up. I just stare out the window and he continues driving. They'll be more than enough time to assess the situation, to record in my head that not only have I just had sex with a guy 4 years my junior he happens to be Jacob's best friend. Jacob who is the man I have loved with my all for the past year. That really is saved for later when he finally pulls up outside my building. I am relieved we're here, he's happy he doesn't have to pretend any longer. Don't you just prefer reciprocity?

I don't immediately jump off. It's the fact that he has switched off his car completely that's made me hesitate

EDWARD: You want me to walk you out?

BELLA: No I am fine

THAT DAMN DECENCY AGAIN!

EDWARD: Which one is yours?

BELLA: 369

EDWARD: Looks nice!

BELLA: Thanks!

I am actually annoyed at him for being so good to me right now. Why can't he be normal, toss me out, reject me, like Jacob has been doing. I can deal with that because I am used to that.

BELLA: Well I am gonna go!

EDWARD: OK!

BELLA: See you around!

EDWARD: OK!

I open the door, take one-step out the door then remember to say one thing to him.

BELLA: I couldn't find my panties!

EDWARD: Oh! (Surprised)

BELLA: So maybe you could just have a look around your fathers' bedroom for me… just to make sure.

EDWARD: Oh, Ok!

BELLA: Not that I want them back. I just don't want your father to be the one that finds them.

EDWARD: That would be strange.

BELLA: I imagine it would be so please…

EDWARD: Ok!

I take both feet out the car but he remembers to say something. I am learning already that this one is very difficult to walk out on.

EDWARD: What do I do with them?

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: What do you want me to do with them?

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: Your panties.

BELLA: I don't know.

EDWARD: Do you want them back?

BELLA: Not that I can get them back. It's fine you can just… burn them.

EDWARD: Burn them?

BELLA: Yes that's what I said…

Inside I am dying. I really do love those panties. Besides the fact that they are the only good draws I have, together with the matching bra cost me over $300. So now I have $300 bra but no matching draws. Great… just great!

He has already driven off by the time I get upstairs. I look out the window to make sure and draw a deep breath when I am proven right. I am happy to be home alone.


	9. The wonder of the panties

Chapter eight: The wonder of the panties.

He tells me he got back to his father's house an hour after he had dropped me off. He had stopped at a nearby supermarket to pick up some painkillers and a liter of milk. Nothing is proper about Edward so he washed down the pills with the milk drinking from the box. By the time he got to his father's house all he wanted to do was lie down, try and regain some of his energy. He has forgotten about the panties for now.

He had gone up to his fathers' bedroom just to try and buy some sleep but he decided to first slap some water in his face. He had just wiped it with a clean towel when he cast his eyes to the floor and saw my lace panties buried between the bath and the basin stall. He picks them up with a smile, his mind immediately being transferred to last night.

He can recollect how they ended up here.

We had just finished having sex for the first time, too embarrassed to walk to the bathroom naked I slipped on my panties. He had been watching very intently- oddly aroused by seeing I like that. I am happy when I see him coming in. He gets that charming smile across his face. I know this is our first night together but I am bound to fall for that smile all the time.

BELLA: Now the lady can't use the bathroom.

EDWARD: Oh no the lady can as long as she allows the gentleman to use it along with her

BELLA: There's a gentleman here?

I laughed as he closed the distance between us, pulling me in to kiss me fervently. He had been just a little physical this time round but I respond just as keenly. He is showing me his very different features. He is such a passionate lover, attentive and ample. He had me against the wall in approximately… 0.5 seconds. He continued to eagerly kiss me as his hand finds its way inside my panties. I find myself arching up when his fingers start exploring my insides. I break the kiss.

BELLA: Didn't you just cum in less than 5 minutes ago.

EDWARD: Well aint you the one that had to parade around in that sexy underwear of yours… now you must know I have a major weakness for lace.

BELLA: You have a major weakness for lace.

EDWARD: All the time when I see it… especially as underwear on a beautiful woman. We both share a laugh.

This is such a light moment it feels like I've shared many nights with him like this. I pull him in closer.

BELLA: You can't rip these panties.

EDWARD: I can't.

BELLA: You can't!

EDWARD: Why not?

BELLA: Because they are my favorite panties.

EDWARD: You have favorite panties.

BELLA: That surprises you. You don't have a favorite pair of undies?

EDWARD As a matter of fact no… (They both laugh)

BELLA: I suppose that's normal.

EDWARD: Why is it your favorite?

BELLA: Well for one its lace… (Edward laughs)… and two it's very expensive. You can't rip it off because it cost me a lot of money.

There's roaring laughter again.

EDWARD: Ok you can't keep them on anymore.

BELLA: I realize that!

EDWARD: That's fine, I'll be careful then.

And he does slip the off imitating a flair and flamboyance of Italian football- filled with technical brilliance and efficiency. To slide them completely off me he sits me on the toilet seat and carefully gets rid of them. He stops only to look at me, I smile at him.

He will later tell me that he knew from that moment on that I was someone he was going to have a difficult time getting rid of. He gently parts my legs, leaning in to kiss the inside of both my thighs. My arousal rises but it was to reach its peak only a few minutes later when his tongue finds my insides and tortures me to thrilling and haunting pleasure. I writhe as his tongue probes deep into me touching those sensitive places that stir up a moan.

A climax is imminent. I start to tremble, shivering like a leaf as I reach my peak. He is not dispirited by my weakness, he gains momentum very keen to bring me to my second climax in seconds and this he achieves without any obstacles. He leans in to kiss me in the mouth, giving me a taste of my own secretions.

EDWARD: Now you know why I love it down there.

We both laugh and I bring him closer to me for a kiss. This is the most attention I have ever received from a man and although at that point I thought I would never see Edward again, he is someone I am going to have a hard time forgetting.

Edward says he retrieved the panties on the floor with a smile. He says he found it comical how I could have forgotten where we left my favorite pair of panties. There are many defining moments in a person's life. Edward believes his moment was the minute he discovered my panties there.

A moment he's now labeled 'the wonder of the panties'.

He would admit to himself that as awkward as this morning was he didn't mind last night. Why is it possible that he has already forgotten Terry who up until last night he thought was the woman he was going to spend his life with? But if he remembers having such a great time last night as the fact that he is thinking about me right now signals that he did indeed have a great time then that must mean he made this morning more awkward than it needed to be.

But why? Why did it feel awkward? Was it because it was a one-night stand? He's had one night stands and they never felt awkward before because well they are one night stands, you don't have to live up to anything as should be the case with Bella right? Is it the fact that she's black that sets her apart from the rest? That cannot be it. She's not the first black girl he's been with and apart from that, he prided himself of being colorblind.

Jacob is his best friend and he is "black"…at some level. It's not the color of her skin that is a problem.

At that time it begins to dwell on him, the real reason why this morning felt weird is because it didn't feel weird at all. He actually enjoyed having to wake up and see her. The way he had experienced her smile last night, he realized now that he hadn't seen anything quite as captivating as that. He realizes that he had hurried out of his sleep just to make sure he sees her again. What felt weird this morning is not that he was sober and having had to deal with a woman who is suppose to be a one-night stand.

What felt weird was that constant urge he felt just to ask her to stay, spend one more night in his presence, less drunk and more present? There are some moments from last night he is always going to struggle to remember. What a shame! He rather enjoyed himself last night.

EDWARD: I didn't get a number or anything.

He does think:

EDWARD: I know where she lives though…

He's still wrestling with that. Just imagine the shock in her face when he comes in unannounced after she had behaved like she couldn't wait to get rid of him today, he is certain that surprise will be unwelcome.

EDWARD: Why would a woman like that give me a chance anyway?

He asks as he looks at himself.

EDWARD: You don't know where your life is going; you don't know who you are. She's stable, she's not complicated. What could you possibly offer her?

Annoyed and angered by his own face, he puts his hand in the mirror, blocking his face. Some have told him that he is a strikingly handsome young man but from this moment it is simple to see that he doesn't hold himself in high regard.


	10. Throwback Still in the game

This was **SUPER** fun to write xD!

~*~

Chapter nine: Throwback (Still in the game)

I am not surprised to find numerous missed calls and messages from Jacob. I am not sure I want to call him back just as yet. As dreadful as that may be of me, I like this attention.

I have strived, dressed immaculately, wore big hoop gold earrings, tied my hair neatly and all because I was trying to get his attention. And here I am, in just one single night I have it. I like to think he is worried about me, oh what I've done to deserve these missed calls. I should try and keep things here; Jacob Black finally knows who I am. If I call him back then I undermine what I have achieved last night.

But my conscious reminds me: how could I say I love him but keep him in this distress. I need to be fair to him, more fairly than he has been to me. I need to start teaching him what love should look like and most importantly how it behaves.

I never get as much from these encounters as I'd hope. He always fails to live up to my expectations. So as I wait for him to answer I am having reservations already accompanied by some grave insecurity. What if there's another there by him, what if he doesn't want to make an effort talking to me, would he remember my name?

He actually takes a shorter time answering than I am prepared for.

JACOB: Hello!

I freeze for a moment. I am making this call from my cell so he knows it's me. I suppose it's too late to turn back now.

JACOB: I know it's you Bella so you don't get to be quiet.

I gather myself.

BELLA: I got your missed calls.

JACOB: Are you at your place?

BELLA: Yes, why?

JACOB: I need a favor. Do you have any plans for tonight?

Oh my God, he's gonna ask me out.

BELLA: Wanna do something?

He takes some time answering and to my frustration he only wants to on a professional level.

JACOB: actually I need your help preparing some notes for a meeting I have Monday morning with the financial manager.

I am sinking! I am sinking!

JACOB: I know that you're not really my secretary; you are Jamie's but…

BELLA: It's fine.

You're doing good. Sound as insensible as you can manage. He doesn't have to know he has trampled you once again.

JACOB: Is it possible for you to make it to my place?

The nerve of this man? He wants a favor from me and yet I am the one that has to go out of my way.

BELLA: Yes sure.

Why am I agreeing to this inattentive arrangement?

On the positive side, I am calmed he didn't ask about last night although I assure myself he will ask later. Then I wasn't aware I was capable of lying to myself so much, I am desperately trying to convince myself that I mean something to Jacob.

He's ordered take out for our Saturday night in. it's not going so badly… or rather let me say as professionally as he had led me to believe and this is confirmed when he actually does ask me about last night.

JACOB: So what happened last night? One minute it seemed like you were enjoying yourself and the next you did the Casper. Did I do something to upset you; I only was with Everette for 10 minutes.

BELLA: Oh, no it wasn't anything you did. I actually got a call from a friend of mine; she just broke up with her boyfriend. She didn't feel like being alone.

JACOB: You're always so attentive when it comes to your friends.

BELLA: I'd like to think they'd do the same if it was me.

JACOB: I see the way you are with Alice and Chanel at work. No matter how small the crisis they both run to you when they need someone to talk to.

So he's noticed? He has taken a notice to me.

BELLA: I just know how to listen.

Best to just let it go like it's nothing… like he's nothing. I can measure my victory later on. I continue typing his notes for him trying to appear as oblivious as my fingers would allow and I think we (me and my fingers) are doing very well.

I've stayed longer than we both have anticipated but I am not completely downcast about the situation. The longer I stay then the better the chance I'll spend the night and from then on the sky is the limit, right.

I am not particularly obsessed with the limited furniture that gives the bachelor like emptiness to the flat but I did a great job hiding that from him earlier.

Jacob told me it's because he's too lazy to think of ways to fill it up. I tell him that I like it just the way it is. I mean:

BELLA: There's enough room to cheer, scream, clap, kick, holler advice and yell obscenities at your team when they are losing a match.

JACOB: How did I know you were going to understand?

My spending the night seems more feasible now. We are done with his notes and yet he is still offering me a cider. I am compelled to think he wants me here and he wants me here for the same reasons I want to stay.

He offers me a cider… my 3rd for the night… and holds a beer for himself as I am leaning over his notable music collection.

BELLA: Thanks! You've got everyone here

JACOB: I enjoy Rock mostly but I try and listen to everything. At the moment I am listening Maxwell.

BELLA: Maxwell?

JACOB: Don't sound so creep-ed out, it's only music.

I break out laughing, he just smiles. I feel embarrassed. I am already tipsy and when I am tipsy I laugh… and talk…a lot. And while Edward had dealt with it positively last night I am not sure about Jacob. Edward hey? That was something else last night.

BELLA: Maxwell creeps me out but not so much as the people who listen to him.

JACOB: I know he's not the best but at the moment I am enjoying his music. What about you, who are you listening to.

BELLA: I move fast.

I laugh again. I am positive that this is a moment I will look back on with regret.

JACOB: What does that mean?

BELLA: See I find one song that I would listen to a million times every day for about a week before moving on to another one.

I am actually not making that up. It sounds strange though when you're drunk.

JACOB: That's interesting and how do you pick your songs?

BELLA: They pick me. This week I'm listening to Chris Brown, please don't ask. (They both laugh) So you plan on driving me home any time soon?

I am not asking because I want him to reach for his keys and do as I say but rather in the hopes that he will ask me to stay.

JACOB: Am I that dreary?

BELLA: I didn't mean it that way.

JACOB: It's fine… if you must be so horrible.

BELLA: Jacob I didn't mean it like that.

JACOB: (Laughing) I know, I just like freaking people out just to see their reaction.

BELLA: Next time you try to freak someone out you'll freak them out with a heart attack.

I am always so taken aback when he laughs at something I said. Like the many times before that it has happened, I don't think it was at all that funny or deserved the treatment he gave it.

JACOB: Look you're so young you don't have to worry about that.

The age conversation! Oh Lord I've been dreading this moment since… well let's see… 24 hours ago when I found out Edward was only 26 years old.

BELLA: How old are you?

Oh please God let him be 30. Oh who am I kidding he doesn't even look 30, let alone 23. Let him be at least my age…

JACOB: 28

Shit, that's not bad at all. 28, now I can work with that.

JACOB: Everyone I know says I don't act it though; guess you can say I am 28 going on 30.

BELLA: I suppose that's very old.

JACOB: Not really, I suppose it just means that I know myself more than most people do at my age.

You see there's absolutely no reason for me to panic. He doesn't think 28 is old… just mature.

JACOB: What about you, do you think you act your age?

Oh! Oh! I don't like the direction of this!

BELLA: Oh yes I think I act my age.

JACOB: No way how old are you, 28? You don't look a day over 22. You are 22 right?

I was… a couple of years ago. What do I do now, he thinks I am younger than I actually am. I didn't feel obligated to lie about it now until now. Does this mean if he actually knew how old I really was there would be no real chance for us?

JACOB: You're just so level headed for someone so young…

I think he said something else after the word 'young' but it all blurred out and it didn't register. Why does he think I am young? Now I can't even tell him my real age because he has gone and assumed that I am "young". What the hell gave him that impression? I doubt that it's my love for Bryan Adams.

I mean seriously most 22 year olds have absolutely no idea who Bryan Adams is…didn't you know…assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. That's right Jacob you have just fucked me up.

JACOB: I wish all women were as clued as you are.

BELLA: Clued up?

JACOB: You know… you just know who you are, you know what matters, and you know… you just know who you are…

BELLA: You said that already.

JACOB: I don't know, maybe I'm just putting you up on a pedestal.

BELLA: No you're right, I'm amazing.

I am relieved he didn't get specific about my age and although throughout our conversation I never felt safe, he didn't get an opportunity to bring it up again.

2 hours later, he's teaching me a card game. He tells me he is enjoying this too much. He's found something he could teach me. Me… who seemingly has figured out everything. He gives me the impression that he is sometimes intimidated by me; he doesn't recognize the fact that he has the same effect on me. He has just given me another tip when there's a knock at the door.

JACOB A: It's probably your lift.

BELLA: My lift?

I thought I was staying the night.

JACOB: Yes I figured you'd need a chance to get your things ready for Monday.

It's Saturday night!

JACOB: and besides I got such a hectic morning tomorrow…

Is he kicking me out?

JACOB: I didn't want to seem rude and leave you here on your own.

He is kicking me out. Asshole! What does he think he's doing, bringing me here to use me for his damn project then throwing me out into the night? I mean… not even the damn decency to drive me home himself. He calls a friend. Inexcusable!

BELLA: Did you ask Richard?

I ask as he goes to open, trying as always to appear unmoved by his neglect.

JACOB: Oh no I didn't get a hold of Richard so I asked Edward instead, I didn't think it made a difference really.

Edward? I am hearing things.

Did he just say; it didn't make a difference. Didn't make a difference, of course it makes a difference; we slept together for God's sake. I guess I always knew I'd have to run into Edward again but I had that penned down for next lifetime.

I am not sure what to do here but my brain alternates between freaking out now and freaking out later. As tempting as freaking out now is I think I'll deal and freak out later. Therefore, I stay put. I hear the door open and hear the enthusiasm the guys' exhibit to acknowledge each

JACOB: As always in record time.

EDWARD: You didn't say you were in a hurry.

JACOB A: No I am not; I called you over 2 hours ago.

EDWARD: I don't get the point.

From the sounds of it they are inside now. I pick the cards and start making a show of them. Pairing the spades, the hearts, the diamonds and the… what's the English word for the one that looks like a fly…

EDWARD: Thought you'd be at a club…

Clubs! That's the English word I'm looking for.

JACOB: I'm taking it easy tonight. And besides Bella is here, she's good company on her own.

I can only imagine Edward's astonishment when he hears my name and by turning to look at him I am proven right. He like I, was hoping to save this encounter for another lifetime.

JACOB: You remember Bella don't you?

EDWARD: Of course I do

EDWARD: (Putting his hand up) Hi

He's surprised to see me here but he like I, has decided on freaking out later.

BELLA: Hey!

JACOB: Edward is sorry he took his time.

Jacob says it was the first time in his life that he had seen Edward so humbled by a woman's presence.

EDWARD: Yes I am, Jacob didn't tell me it was you who was waiting. I just thought it was just him…

JACOB: Thanks a lot!

BELLA: its fine I have nowhere to be anyway.

JACOB: But it's getting late and the two of you probably should get going.

What the hell is his problem?

Both Edward and I look at him dubiously. He doesn't know we can't be left alone anymore… we just might… I don't know…sleep together.

EDWARD: You're not going to Vacca with me?

JACOB: its Saturday night Edward, I am tired, haven't done the laundry cleaned up my place, I think I'll stay behind. and like I was telling Bella just now I got a very hectic morning. (To Bella) You don't mind do you?

Of course I mind. We were suppose to sleep with each other. For Christ sakes, why couldn't you just do that before sending me off with him. Do you find me that disgusting?

BELLA: No it's ok so long as Edward doesn't mind.

EDWARD: Whatever!

I am somehow hurt by Edward's indifference just as much as Jacob's at the moment. I am determined to hide it from both men. Edward leads the way, Jacob and I stroll out together. By the time we get outside Edward is already by his car smoking. I respond to Jacob all the time and now is not any different.

JACOB: You're not upset I am not the one taking you are you. Cos Edward is a great guy… once a week… and I think tonight is the night.

BELLA: (Laughing) No I am fine, I can survive Edward I am sure.

He's got such audacity! To pretend like he actually gives a shit when he wants it this way. He had no intention of driving me home in the first place.

JACOB: See you Monday at work?

BELLA: I'll be there!

He waves to us from the door and immediately goes inside. How could I interpret that as anything else but arrogance? Was it that unbearable to be around me? And it hurts too…so bad.


	11. We Ride!

Chapter eleven: We Ride!

I can't think of anything else but Jacob. I am so absent minded I haven't taken regard of Edward who is in the car with me. I have embarked on this Jacob induced silence, where I have been picked up by his behavior towards me earlier and won't be released.

As I look out the window, I conclude he could have been kinder. So he wanted to get rid of me… I don't know why but probably because he was expecting another… you know one that he is not so repulsed with. The one he actually finds attractive enough to take advantage of.

It's too upsetting to think about Jacob but my mind is so stubbornly fixed on him that I can't bring myself back. It takes an accident to get my attention, prompting Edward to take the long way back to my place. The ride was only suppose to be 20 minutes and now complicated further by another 20 minutes. As if, the tense mood in the car wasn't prolonged enough. I had to say something when he took out a cigarette and started smoking.

BELLA: Do you mind putting it out, I don't like inhaling the smoke, and it blocks my nose.

EDWARD: Oh, I am sorry.

I am surprised by easily and quickly puts it out and I am equally impressed as he chucks it out the window.

EDWARD: I didn't know

I wasn't prepared for that.

BELLA: I guess this is a bad time to tell you I was only kidding.

EDWARD: (Laughing) it doesn't block your nose?

BELLA: No it doesn't.

He's taken this well his beautiful smile confesses that.

BELLA: I just didn't want this to be a weird ride; it's going to half an hour unlike the 15 minutes from this morning

EDWARD: I didn't think this morning was weird.

BELLA: No?

EDWARD: No I thought it was insensitive.

BELLA: Because of you?

EDWARD: No because of you. You just kept quiet the whole time as you were oblivious to me and what happened last night.

BELLA: I was indifferent, you rarely spoke a word. If it weren't for my missing panties you never would have said anything at all…

He suddenly burst out laughing annoying me more

BELLA: What's so funny?

EDWARD: You! I'm just kidding.

BELLA: You're kidding?

EDWARD: You were not insensitive.

BELLA: so why did you say I was?

EDWARD Cos I was trying to get you back for the cigarette.

BELLA: It was one cigarette Edward.

EDWARD: From a box of 20 that cost me $20

BELLA: So I owe you a dollar?

EDWARD: $1.20, that's how much a loose goes for.

BELLA: I'll give it to you if you promise you won't light it up again.

EDWARD: The money or cigarette

BELLA: Obviously the money Edward, I don't have any cigarettes.

EDWARD: How can I light it up then?

BELLA: You might have another one.

EDWARD: Yes I do but you said I have to promise I wouldn't light it up if you gave it to me.

BELLA: That's not how I meant it and you know it.

EDWARD: So you meant I light up the money then?

BELLA: No I meant the cigarettes, the ones that you might have on you now, don't light it up around me.

EDWARD: But you owe me $1.20?

BELLA: (laughing) I guess I do. And if I give it to you… the money… promise you won't light up any more cigarettes…that you may have on you now…while I'm around.

EDWARD: And the ones I might have later?

BELLA: OH God!

He makes laugh. He is dangerous don't you see?

EDWARD: I am just playing with you. No smoking around Bella … got it.

There is that look again. The one he gave me last night after each time we had sex. Like he saw me and at that moment, I am all that he can see. You know that look that suggests… that … last night wasn't a quirk that happened only because we were drunk and out of control but because we were both honestly into it.

He breaks the silence this time…

EDWARD: Jacob didn't tell me it was you who was waiting.

BELLA: I don't think you would have come if you knew.

EDWARD: I just don't want you to think that I did this intentionally… you know like I could have just stayed away…

BELLA: I don't think that.

EDWARD: I just want you to know

BELLA: I know!

We remained quiet for a while. We still don't know how to clean the air over last night but there's a full attempt from Edward. I will always give him that.

EDWARD: Did you eat?

BELLA: Yes Jacob and I had dinner at his place.

He nods, reaches for a cigarette in his pocket but then remembers.

EDWARD: Sorry!

I offer him a smile, he has tensed up a little, I don't understand why.

EDWARD: So you're not hungry?

BELLA: (Laughing) No not really.

EDWARD: I made some dinner at my place so if you were hungry… which you've already said you aren't…

BELLA: What did you make?

EDWARD: My specialty… bacon & Egg tramezzini…

BELLA: (laughing) that's your specialty?

EDWARD: Actually my number two specialty. My first would be bacon & cheese tramezzini. (Pause) They skipped ahead didn't they?

BELLA: Who?

EDWARD: Whoever is writing this? If it were a great script, we would not see each other for some time, run into each other in book 2 or something…

BELLA: I think they know best.

EDWARD: Really? I think she's got no idea what she's doing. So what do we do?

BELLA: I don't know, we improvise.

EDWARD: Improvise I like that. Jacob is my best friend and since you and he are beginning to hang round each other all the time he will know something is definitely wrong if we won't work at it now.

BELLA: You're right. I think it's a start that we remember each other's names.

EDWARD: (Laughing) Well I think maybe if you pay me back my $1.20, then we will be well on our way…

I find the fact that he uses humor to clear away unease an interesting appeal about him. He has astounded me, he is more level headed than he appears. The more time I spend in his presence the more I'm responsive I am to the fact that he doesn't hold himself in very high regard at all.

The mood had cleared by the time we pulled up outside my apartment building. He opted to walk me upstairs because it was late and he wanted to make sure I got there safe. If I were a brave girl, I would admit that there is major attraction here and it is reciprocal.

EDWARD: Are you gonna be Ok here?

BELLA: I should be. I know everyone on the floor. If something happens to me it's either 80-year-old Mrs. Harkison who has a bad hip…

EDWARD: She's 80 years old of course she's got a bad hip…

BELLA: (Laughing) But it's the story about how she broke that hip that's interesting. Apparently, she was kicking herself for not marrying her high school sweetheart.

EDWARD: (Laughing) that's the only way to break a hip at 80.

BELLA: well its either her or Janet, apparently the girls got such a busy lifestyle… if you know what I mean… the only time she ever comes out is when she's going to pick her next victim.

Yes she's been known to disappear for a week with just one man.

EDWARD: She sounds like fun. What do you think her next scouting time will be you think it's worth it to just wait it out here for her?

He makes me laugh, he makes me laugh and he makes me laugh.

BELLA: I don't think you're her type.

EDWARD: And you know her type!

He starts coming towards me, closing the gap. I don't mind it; my body's aching for it.

BELLA: Very well…

EDWARD: What? Does she sometimes invite you to watch?

He stops right in front of me backing me at the door, his face just above my own. I've always had flimsiness for tall men… especially for tall good-looking ones like this one.

BELLA: As interesting as that would be… (They carry this moment with a laugh)… I just know her type from having no social life of my own.

EDWARD (laughing) so you wouldn't mind watching then?

BELLA: Guess it depends on whom I am watching!

EDWARD: Me! Would you watch me?

BELLA: Only if I get to perform.

EDWARD: Of course, you get to perform.

We exchange a hot steamy kiss by the door. Is it just me or does the fact that I enjoy Edward so much spell trouble.

EDWARD: You and Jacob are not… you know?

BELLA: No, we're just friends.

I am hoping to be more.

EDWARD: Good, that's very very good!

I love the way he puts his arms around me as I unlock the door. Wrapping me in a warm embrace as he plants little kisses on my neck. I open the door casually but still with the wonder inside my brain, I wonder what the excuse will be after tonight. I had a few drinks earlier on but that's already worn off and nothing about him suggests that he has had even a sip of it tonight. So Edward, probably the most attractive man there is, wants to have sex with me because… he wants to? I am dreaming aren't I? I have to be dreaming! But wait…you can wake me once we're done.

He's already unbuttoning my pants by the time the door shuts with the two of us up against it. He traps my hands with my shirt above my head. He kisses my chest with the craze and dynamism that would be impossible not to respond to. He carries me all the way to the couch, tossing me coarsely onto it. I laugh as he quickly undoes his black shirt but when he tries to undo his pants, I feel snubbed and stop him.

BELLA: No, let me!

He laughs cordially, he stands over the edge as I wrestle with his belt and unzip his pants impatiently. Artistically begin my mission to thrill. I begin with kissing the bottom of his stomach to which he mourns. However, it's not the good mourn that I have come acquainted with; he wants to hurry this along. I throw artistry to the wind, bring down his pants, then follow with my mouth, each kiss leading further, and further down than the previous one.

But it isn't until my mouth engulfs him that he tilts his head back responding to the many sensations this was giving him.

He struggles to keep his cool, occasionally letting out a sigh to express his pleasure. And for a few minutes he was pleasured, attended to, spoilt and yes enjoying every minute of it. And when he figured he couldn't do it anymore… hold on that is… he pulled out.

EDWARD: You playing on dangerous territory!

He says as he leans down to kiss me.

BELLA: Come-on you wanted me to take it all in.

EDWARD: Maybe later, right now I have a much better idea on how I want this spent.

He pushes on top of me kissing with fierce intent. It wasn't long till he was inside of me and I was drawing him in, yelling obscenities. I must admit, it's been a while since I had sex but Edward is by far the best sex of my life simply because he can be rough and gentle at the same time, gentle but this white boy has some street credibility.

I lie in his chest after sex, his arm draped across me as we talk in the dark.

BELLA: You know I had never given a blowjob before tonight.

EDWARD: (Laughing) that was quite a monumental success for the first time.

BELLA: Guess this is the part where I should feel embarrassed.

EDWARD: Didn't you hear me; I said monumental success.

BELLA: So you're not the one to judge aren't you?

EDWARD: No, I don't judge. You can tell me anything and I will never judge you.

BELLA: I can think of something that will get you out of this bed, running for the door faster than a bee sting can.

EDWARD: You can try! What is that?

BELLA: My real age.

EDWARD: And you think that's enough…

BELLA: …to break you out and never to come back.

EDWARD: Ok so how old are you?

BELLA: I am 28 years old…

I am surprised by the confidence for which I just admitted that, shouldn't it be more difficult revealing that to him.

EDWARD: Is this your real age or the age that I'm suppose to run when I hear, cos I don't wanna miss my cue you know.

BELLA: Edward I am being serious.

EDWARD: that you're 28 years old.

BELLA: Yes and you're only 26

EDWARD: I'm aware how old I am and now I'm aware how old you are and it doesn't bother me

BELLA: the fact that I am 2 years older and yet you're having sex with me is not a problem.

EDWARD: No it isn't. If you must know, I have had sex with women who were much older than you are.

BELLA: Promiscuous boy, really?

EDWARD: Yes, in fact before I met Terry, I worked at this company called BankCorp and I had a fling with my 39-year-old manager, I was only 20 at the time.

Now I can get along with this person. He has history. He is not perfect nor clean… is he not afraid to let me see.

BELLA: Were you fired at that job too?

EDWARD: (Laughing) no I just left. It was awkward having her as a boss because of the stuff that we always did in the bedroom.

BELLA: (Laughing) Like what?

EDWARD: Well I'll just put it like this, boss lady in the office but wanted someone else to be boss in the bedroom.

BELLA: ooh… amazing combination. Sounds like you've lived. Me, I have lived vicariously through "Family Ties" and "The Bill Cosby show"

Edward laughs.

EDWARD: So that doesn't suggest you're insufficient, it just means that I get to be jealous of you.

BELLA: Why would you do something crazy like that?

EDWARD: Well… think of life as a car… you have more miles left in you.

How can I not respond to such flawless charm, he knows when to use it? He pulls me in closer to give me a kiss on the forehead. Should this feel as sheltered as it does?

Jacob tells me he is leaving town for a few days but not just ordinarily, he first stops my heart.

JACOB: I am moving town Wednesday.

BELLA: You're moving?

JACOB: I am kidding; I'll just be going there for a few days.

I am relieved he is not moving but a few days without him feel as dreadful as a move.

BELLA: Who you gonna see?

I am trying to sound as neutral as I can master as I bring my tea to my mouth but inside I know… I am already missing him.

JACOB: Emmett's girlfriend, Rosalie, she's opening her own restaurant and she's throwing this big bash. She and I have been friends a long time and I had promised to go see her earlier on in the year but had not gotten to it just yet. And I never go back on my promises so…


	12. The Gap Days

Chapter twelve: The Gap Days

I have heard of the gap year… The students take it after matric, travel Europe, have sex a lot and sleep all day. Sometimes they manage to throw in the prospect of planning and deciding on their futures, whether to keep with the stress of the books at university or rather join the 'exciting' world of adulthood.

BELLA: How long will you be gone?

JACOB: 5 days… could be less if Patrick doesn't approve my leave.

BELLA: You haven't applied for it yet.

JACOB: No and he isn't so thrilled with my performance the past couple months and unless Jennifer steps in and saves my numbers then I don't think there's a chance he'll let me Jennifer is Therese's secretary, why would she…

BELLA: … be helping you with your reports?

JACOB: Did you know she has some qualifications in commerce. I didn't know until she said she could be of great help to me.

BELLA: She just volunteered.

That's strange!

JACOB: Strange isn't it.

You don't say!

JACOB: I think she might actually have a thing for me.

So he's taking advantage of her.

BELLA: How did you figure that?

JACOB: Call it a guy's intuition.

What?

JACOB: We will see! But I hope he gives this to me, I really am looking forward to seeing Monica again. Besides, I haven't taken leave in over a year.

…Perhaps the most attractive quality about the gap year is that it is purely by choice. It's up to you whether this is the direction you favor your life to take. Then there's the concept of gap days. Or should I say the very new concept of gap days. Not as prominent as his aforementioned brother but nevertheless gaining momentum.

I am the advocate of the gap days. Starting today I will represent the concept, speak for all it stands for, act out all that it commands, be the start and the end all, profess its beginning and live for its ending. Nothing is more important than fulfilling what has now become my quest. It may not be my choice but I am not going to see Jacob for five days. He's gone to Cape Town. I know that brings us to another interesting prospect, the "he doesn't like me" prospect. This is the concept that so clearly states that if he is comfortable disappearing that long without considering me then I shouldn't be stressing myself about it either.

But you see I have to tell you about the "teaspoon story" and then I am sure you will come to hold on too.

How does the teaspoon story go you ask? Yesterday (not today because that would be day one of the gap days) after hours of praying, wishing, waiting, anticipating if he was gonna talk to me he did something that made believe that he likes this friendship too. It was late afternoon, I have practically given up any idea that something might happen when I see him coming downstairs. You cannot imagine the surprise when I see him especially when I realize that he is coming towards me. These things never happen but there he is coming towards me. He signals to me, he has to I'm on the phone. He wants the teaspoon. It's sort of kinda his… he lend it to me once and I never gave it back, he said I could keep it. Pardon me for my excitement (as later it would prove comical) but I've got good reason to be.


	13. Bad Habit

Chapter twelve: Bad Habit

We all have one. You may be a smoker, he may be a drinker, and she may buy a pair of shoes every week in fact she sounds extremely like me cos well she's a lot like me. I buy a pair of shoes every week. This week I haven't but that's only because I bought a jean instead, they didn't have black pumps.

I think maybe I am going to go back next week.

I know that some people may be inclined to think that my obsession is more for pumps than shoes in general (because I have them in every color).

I have them in gold… sorry that is two gold's a black, a black & white, a brown… 2 browns I mean… or is that three… yes definitely… I left out the one with the flowers. But I guess that would mean I have two blacks then, there's also one with the flowers.

I have fallen completely out of subject haven't I? Where was I? No before the pumps.

Bad habits yes!

My habit… because I have already given the shoe one to someone else… is a man. A man that I love with everything I am and who doesn't seem to care or notice enough to know that I am there. He's gone to Cape Town and all I have to keep me company is this varied emptiness inside that neither disappears nor expands. It just sits there as this constant reminder of this one thing that I can never give myself. I am trying so hard not to be miserable, keep my focus and trust in God's will but I am so afraid of what I think I know already, he doesn't feel the same. I am not important enough for a phone call when he's away, like now, that I don't cross his mind as often as he does mine.

Sometimes I wish I knew what it is I needed to change or who it is I needed to become to get love to come into my life. Oh what I wouldn't move to know I am in his thoughts right now.

TIAGO: Oh my goodness, that teaspoon is like your little baby.

BELLA: Tiago!

TIAGO: But it is. He was the one who initially gave it to you.

BELLA: Because I spilled my tea on the kitchen floor, I went out for two seconds to get the mop, and when I came back, my teaspoon was gone.

TIAGO: Goodness you work with vultures.

I don't know the truth really but that came out of nowhere. The Jacob from a couple of weeks ago was not capable of that. Maybe I am just reading something into nothing but it's nice to hold on to something. It's strange how I feel that the friendship has moved on and I pray that will prove the case still when the gaps days are through.

BELLA: Anyway, he's in the kitchen. He makes some lousy comment about how I am responsible for the floor being sticky.

TIAGO: His quick charm just sets him apart from the rest doesn't it?

She remarked sarcastically.

BELLA: No that would be Edward.

TIAGO: Yes, the handsome white guy we're sleeping with while we're waiting for the love of our life Jacob to come to his senses.

BELLA: It's really not as bad as you make it seem.

TIAGO: You're using him!

BELLA: Ok that shows you don't know Edward. There's no way a girl like me can use a guy like Edward. You should see that man, tall, handsome, green eyes. I love having sex with him but I know he only does it with me because he didn't go out that night.

TIAGO: That's what you believe?

BELLA: In the real world… and I generally go there more often than you… guys like

Edward don't sleep with girls like me, they eventually come to their senses.

TIAGO: Funny you always give me the impression that you guys have much more fun than that.

BELLA: He is handsome… really really handsome… I think I'm the only one having fun…

TIAGO: You're really beautiful

I have never believed that, what's the use of starting now.

BELLA: Let's talk about Jacob again.

TIAGO: I don't know why there's never any progress.

BELLA: We've made tremendous progress in the past couple of weeks. This guy went from not paying any attention to me to practically being my best friend.

TIAGO: He's still wasting your time. Now he's gone away and he doesn't even care. You're going to be driving yourself crazy instead of doing the sensible thing.

BELLA: And what is that?

TIAGO: Calling Edward…

BELLA: I will what?

She's kidding right.

TIAGO: Call Edward…

I'm hearing things again!

TIAGO: …have some fun this long weekend. Aint no sense in staying in, dreaming about someone who isn't dreaming about you…

BELLA: What am I gonna say to Edward, it's supposed to be casual.

TIAGO: Call him…

She keeps saying that!

TIAGO: Find out from him if he's up to something and if he isn't you can step in.

BELLA: Guys like him always have something to do…

TIAGO: Then there's sense in trying… you can use my cell phone…

BELLA: I don't know his number off my heart…

TIAGO: Where's your cell phone…

I give her a look of disapproval; it has never worked with this one. 19 year olds, I always find them so defiant.

BELLA: It's just there on my bag.

She retrieves the bag as quickly as she can manage and spells out the number effortlessly. Two rings and I am already itching to hang up. I am too apprehensive and unsure about this; I fumble my words when I am nervous. Besides what am I suppose to say to this guy.

She's looking at me, I really wish she wouldn't do that, she is adding on to the anxiety.

Six rings please good Lord, if you love me this will go to voicemail.

EDWARD: Hello private number.

Ok God! What's love got to do with it?

TIAGO: Talk!

BELLA: Hi is this Edward?

EDWARD: It would appear that way wouldn't it. Disappointed?

AMELIA: No no actually you're just the guy I am looking for.

EDWARD: Now there goes something I wish I'd hear more often.

He doesn't even know who's on the line and he is flirting. I am trying very hard not to put all men under the same umbrella but they just all never fail to disappoint.

BELLA: Its Bella speaking, you know the black lady who works at reception where your best friend Jacob works.

But he knew all along whom it was.

EDWARD: Hello Bella, the black lady who works at reception where my best friend Jacob works. I knew I wasn't sure about your surname but I didn't imagine it being that long.

He remembers me. I offer a flashy smile that doesn't escape my cousin, she knows this is going as well she dared believe but she wants me to push more.

BELLA: I am sorry I thought I would just catch you off guard.

EDWARD: No it's good, I was just thinking about you.

BELLA: You were?

EDWARD: Do you like Chinese?

BELLA: A little.

EDWARD: Are you doing anything right now?

BELLA: No not really.

EDWARD: Let me come get you. You and I have never done anything to just spend time you know. I know this is casual but that's why I picked Chinese instead of Italian

BELLA: (laughing) that sounds like fun.

EDWARD: Be there in an hour.

BELLA: Okay, bye

I hang up, stop to look at Tiago. Man I wish she didn't have that 'I've figured out everything important at 19 look.' I knew nothing at 19, what is she gonna be when she gets to my age, dead?

BELLA: Looks like I'm going out!


	14. Jacob in Cape Town

Chapter thirteen: Jacob in Cape Town

They danced until the early hours of morning. He took her back to his hotel room. They had powerful sex and as expected, he couldn't remember her name the following morning.

Imagine his dissatisfaction, this is the only one way he has had to deal since his January break up with Norah. It's not that he is shattered by the defeat, he mostly cared for Norah instead of being in love with her, and he's just dispirited by the fact that he still hasn't met someone since then.

He looks at himself in the mirror, and then the cocaine set on a tray, he was hoping to escape that today but he's gone and gave himself no chance again. Swift snots evict the shame.

He splashes some water in his face. He thinks 'I always find a way to make life more complicated than it needs to be. This Cape Town trip was just supposed to be about fun and my friend's party and instead there's yet another anonymous woman in my bed that I have to ditch. He gets his jacket, calls Rosalie on his way out

ROSALIE: Hello!

JACOB: Can I come see you?

ROSALIE: Will you taste my new biltong and avo salad?

JACOB: Avo gives me allergies.

ROSALIE: Then you can't come.

JACOB: You always apply pressure very good, throw in crisp bacon instead and we have a deal.

ROSALIE: You're negotiating in a time like this?

JACOB: Ok throw in some thousand island dressing and I should be there in 5 minutes.

ROSALIE: 15

JACOB: 20

ROSALIE: Deal!

They were having breakfast at the café half an hour later. Jacob as agreed was trying his biltong, crispy bacon and Thousand Island dressing.

JACOB: You know what… it works…

ROSALIE: It does?

JACOB: It's very delicious… and what's the word… innovative

ROSALIE: Of course it's innovative; it's biltong and crispy bacon salad.

JACOB: Don't forget the thousand islands, it just blends everything together.

ROSALIE: For some reason I don't think it's going to be a hit with the customers.

JACOB: Well you know I am always just so happy to help.

A short while passes.

ROSALIE: What are you doing here Jacob?

JACOB: To try a new salad

ROSALIE: No I mean Cape Town, what are you doing in Cape Town?

JACOB: Your birthday, what else?

ROSALIE: You didn't have to fly out. Emmett and I just wanted you to know, I didn't expect you to fly out.

JACOB: I haven't seen you in over a year.

ROSALIE: Is that why you spent last night having sex with a stranger instead of staying in with me. You're lonely.

He realizes now that he doesn't always want to be around Rosalie because she's the only person he truly can never hide from. It comes from knowing someone too much. Jacob believes that no one should know somebody too much.

JACOB: Maybe lonely is a heavy word… just… I think I am locked inside myself at the moment

ROSALIE: You've always been

He offers her a smile; he doesn't know why it's never believable.

ROSALIE: Did you at least like this one?

JACOB: I may have, I don't remember.

ROSALIE: Is she black or white or don't you remember that also.

JACOB: Mixed like me…

ROSALIE: Well then you hated her. There's something else you need to prepare yourself for tonight

JACOB: What, are you dressing up as a serial killer with an AK47?

ROSALIE: Worse!

JACOB: ooh!

ROSALIE: Norah will be there

Jacob will never understand why Rosalie elected to tell him that because even though he has clearly moved on from Norah, running into her has always proved to be a struggle for him. The reasons have always seemed indefinable and he has never really allowed himself to take the time to dissect and understand why that always is.

JOSHUA: I really prefer she wouldn't… but seeing that she was your friend first she gets full custody of you

ROSALIE: And what about you?

JACOB: I can survive Norah!

ROSALIE: Are you sure?

JACOB: wasn't I the one that lived with her for a year

ROSALIE: You barely made it

JACOB: I made it out of there unscarred!

ROSALIE: Is that why you haven't replaced her.

JACOB: You know why she's hard to replace because I don't really want another her. I want the real thing this time.

ROSALIE: And you think you are finally ready?

JACOB: I know I am!

ROSALIE: Is it because of Bella?

JACOB: How is it you know about Bella?

ROSALIE: Because I'm in one of those creepy relationships were couples actually talk to each other.

JACOB: Is that why I always feel like killing him?

ROSALIE: Let's just say you have your reasons and I have my own.

Jacob always hates it when Rosalie gets philosophical. It's the sense that she always manages to summon that drives him livid. She is only 23 years old, shouldn't life be a riddle at this age.

ROSALIE: You think she's worth the change in you.

JACOB: But I didn't say I liked her?

ROSALIE: You don't have to.

Jacob has never seen the point in lying to Rosalie as long as he doesn't have to be around her all the time he can survive this long weekend.

ROSALIE: You must be careful you know

JACOB: What do you mean?

ROSALIE: Sometimes people only need 2 seconds to figure out what normally takes you 2 years to figure out.

JACOB: You're saying…

ROSALIE: Move quickly, you don't want someone else to snatch her up before you do.

JACOB: You don't understand. I am too complicated. I don't know if she'll ever go for a guy like me.

ROSALIE: I know what you mean. For once you can't flash that deadly smile of yours accompanied by that smooth approach and have her fall faster than a bungee jumper has.

JACOB: (Laughing a bit) She's not gonna fall for that. If I wanna snatch that girl I have to… you know… grow up.

ROSALIE: It's about time don't you think?

It's the sentimental way they gaze at each other that declares the value they add to each other's lives.

Jacob was still glad he visited Cape Town when the party started that evening. While the place filled with different pals from different places and backgrounds.

He hung out with Emmett drinking. This is only the beginning so there's still some serious conversational skill that it's certain they won't master in a couple of hours.

JACOB: So you jetting back soon?

EMMETT: No I figure I stay a while, maybe try to come back after month end, see if Edward will pay off the month's rent.

They both laugh.

JACOB: So your boss is Ok with you staying away.

EMMETT: He knows I answer to a bigger boss.

He makes an indicative signal towards Rosalie who is hanging comfortably with a few friends.

JACOB: You guys have been together long.

EMMETT: 2 years, you'll have to ask the lady for the exact year, month, week, day, hours, minutes and seconds.

JACOB: I hate it when we're trying to be funny.

He enjoyed himself as long as he could. That was the conclusion he came to when the beautiful brunette Norah finally showed up. He also concluded that it was best… for a while at least to just pay no attention to her as long as she allowed. He made no effort towards her but casually mingled with friends, sipping on some alcohol delaying what he knew from the moment she walked in; they were leaving together tonight.

He will give her credit when she finally caught up with him in the balcony an hour later. Not bad, he tells himself, an hour isn't bad at all.

NORAH: I didn't think I'd finally catch up with you.

He has his back turned to her, which buys him time to just draw a deep breath, get into character, and there he was: the man he was all those years he was with her.

NORAH: Still quite a popular man I see.

JACOB: What are you doing here Norah?

NORAH: Same reason you're here, my best friend's party.

JACOB: I've gotten custody of her, she was my friend first.

NORAH: She's still mine for weekends and holidays, this is one of those holidays.

JACOB: And you knew I'd be here?

NORAH: So I wanted to see you again, why is that wrong?

JACOB: What's wrong is that we're not together anymore!

NORAH: I missed you, I still do.

Perhaps it is because he was a man who hadn't much faith in who he is or perhaps the explanation was simpler than he realized, he only ended up sleeping with her because he was lonely and high.


	15. Those Sweet Words

Chapter fourteen: Those sweet words

EDWARD: Have you had Chinese before?

He asked me immediately after the waiter had set our noodles on the table.

BELLA: No something about having raw fish always grosses me out.

EDWARD: Good, now I don't have to pretend like I actually know how to use these chop sticks.

Bella laughs!

EDWARD: I didn't fizzle out your plans now did I?

BELLA: There wasn't much to fizzle out. I think all in all I would probably would have ended up home watching a romantic movie. What about you, why don't you have any plans?

EDWARD: Like what?

BELLA: I don't know, Jacob is in Cape Town, which sounds like fun.

Well you know what they say, if you can't talk to them, talk about them.

EDWARD: No I really didn't feel like being down there or just doing anything with my friends really. I know the pattern of that life so well.

BELLA: It always seems like you're having fun.

EDWARD: You know that lifestyle is so abusive and destructive, I am not sure I am up to it anymore.

BELLA: You're only 26 years old.

EDWARD: I've been doing it long enough. And that was always the benefit to my friendship with Jacob you know. We're both addicted to that sort of lifestyle and we don't stop each other.

BELLA: How long have you known Jacob?

EDWARD: I met Jacob at high school… detention. I think it's because I was mad at the world as much as he was, the friendship was automatic. We haven't looked back since…

BELLA: I can't possibly imagine you in detention.

EDWARD: I was quite a regular place for me, had my own extension and e-mail,

So let's see, he is funny, good looking and irresistible. Why is he spending his Saturday night with me, there's a million places he could be tonight, just like Jacob.

EDWARD: Though I think most of it was done because I was struggling for my fathers' attention, or at least that's what he thinks. He still thinks I do.

BELLA: Is he back in town?

EDWARD: No, he's not due back in for a couple more days and I was thinking…

He says reaching for my hand, he's flirting, I always respond.

EDWARD: … seeing that you love Linksfield so much.

BELLA: I was beginning to wonder when your true intentions for tonight were.

EDWARD: Oh you think I wanna sleep with you.

BELLA: Oh yes!

EDWARD: Oh no no, I do not intend to sleep with you.

BELLA: Oh really?

EDWARD: I mean don't get me wrong I think you're an extremely good looking woman and I do enjoy sleeping with you but tonight I just wanna hang out with you.

Sweet words!

EDWARD: Do you mind if we take this food to go, we can watch a movie at my fathers' house instead

BELLA: That sounds like fun…

He takes me by the hand.

EDWARD: We'll wait for our take out by the door. Come on.

We arrived at his fathers' house and settled on a romantic movie. He is being generous. I am sure just like Jacob; he isn't the type who actually enjoys this pass time.

However, nothing about tonight has been common.

Don't get me wrong, very little is keeping me from tearing his clothes apart and having mad, animal sex with him but there's nothing wrong with this either, it feels warm to keep his company like this.

EDWARD: I don't know why I let you pick the movie.

BELLA: Well you said romance right.

EDWARD: I don't know what's wrong with me… seeing that I hate romantic movies. You know I don't actually believe that I have actually finished a romantic movie before. I always start them but have never actually sat and watched until the end before.

BELLA: Oh come on that's not possible. So many great romantic movies you must have seen one. Haven't you ever taken any of your ex-girlfriends out to the movies, I am sure you must have ended up watching a romantic movie with one of them.

EDWARD: I always ended up falling asleep or making out with them in the back or something.

BELLA: That's just not possible.

EDWARD: I will prove it to you. What's the most romantic movie you've ever seen?

BELLA: Pretty woman!

EDWARD: That's the one with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. She's a hooker?

BELLA: Yes!

EDWARD: And at some point, she has on that stunning red dress.

BELLA: Yes, so you have seen the movie.

EDWARD: I saw the video; Roxette- It must have been love.

BELLA: (Laughing) Titanic- everyone has seen Titanic.

EDWARD: I watch in interludes.

BELLA: (Surprised) you watch it in interludes.

EDWARD: I believe I started a year ago and still the damn ship hasn't sunk. I don't get it, it's a movie about a sinking ship, an hour thirty minutes into it and the ship hasn't sunk yet.

I break out laughing; it's appealing how his awkward questions and thoughts all contribute to making this one incredible guy whose company is satisfying to keep.

BELLA: When Harry met Sally, surely you must have seen that one.

EDWARD: I don't think I was even born yet when that one came out.

BELLA: Yes I forget you're still a child.

EDWARD: I am not a child.

BELLA: Yes you are, I can still smell the happy meal in your breath.

We break out into playful mode, wrestling lightly back and forth and to seal the moment we kiss lightly but he is stubborn about just getting along tonight.

EDWARD: Tell you what, tomorrow morning we'll go out, hire 'When Harry met Sally' and we can watch it together. That way it won't matter when it came out and who saw it first.

Those sweet words again.

I just want to pull him close and hold him there for a million years to come. Forget Cape Town, Linksfield is happening right now. And it's starting to feel like it wants me around all the time.

BELLA: That's a fantastic idea!

The sentimental nature of my voice fails to hide my contentment in this moment. This is the first time since I have met Edward that I have felt truly in the moment, truly here with him, not as a substitute for Jacob but as a someone I truly enjoy having around. And he's not a stand-in either, maybe the fact that Jacob is away is not the worst thing that could happen tonight.

EDWARD: I know we're only supposed to be hanging out…

BELLA: Your rules!

EDWARD: I am not complaining, I just…

I like the way he draws a deep breath. I find it amazing that he can be shy around me.

EDWARD: … can I just get one little kiss…

Those sweet words again.

I give him a subtle nod. Please don't hold it against me that I feel so honored right now, why not, I am complete in this moment.

EDWARD: I can never make my father proud.

What? What does his father have to do with this kiss?

I have my insecurities about men and kissing them but to have one make a comment about his troubled relationship with his father right after he's asked me for a kiss is one insecurity I haven't had to deal with before.

BELLA: This is the first; I have never had a guy talk about his father right after he's asked me for a kiss.

I enjoy the way his lips part with a smile, he's happy I am not entirely offended by his remark or my indecent tendency to run to conclusions.

He will always find the humor in most situations.

EDWARD: Don't get me wrong, I like my father sometimes but I try to keep him out of these moments.

BELLA: To much avail, I see.

His hand softly caresses my face and draws me even closer with the other. I know what you're thinking; this is a whole lot of effort going into one slight kiss. But that's Ok I have never felt so desirable.

EDWARD: Anyway what I wanted to say is, Linksfield has to be the only thing he's done right all his life.

BELLA: Yes probably, I imagine Linksfield would be very difficult to beat.

Then he leans in to kiss me, so soft in the beginning though as though I had made the kiss up inside my mind but let me tell you this; this is the most beautiful kiss that I have ever experienced.

EDWARD: I want to do more right than he did, more than he's ever allowed me to.

BELLA: Of course that's fair.

EDWARD: I feel…

There goes that gentle brush against my face again but this time it is accompanied by that "you're all I can see" look. My heart is beginning to flutter.

EDWARD: I feel there's a chance when I spend time with you.

BELLA: Edward!

EDWARD: You don't have to say anything

BELLA: I wasn't planning to say anything for a good couple of minutes.

I invest in poise, draw him closer and gave him a long fiery kiss that he will make sure to remember a long time to come and I like his enthusiasm when responding. His hands roam quickly to rest comfortably inside my shirt. I'm thrilled they have found their way there even though their owner seems content in just playing gentleman tonight. He has many facets to him, I respond to each of them all the time.

EDWARD: You're addictive!

BELLA: Thanks!

EDWARD: What do you say we just watch a movie now?

BELLA: That's fine.

He pulls me up, we sit up straight. It is going to be difficult keeping my hands off him now, I only want him more now!


	16. Saturday Evenings

A/N: Thanks for the comments!!

~*~

Chapter 15: Saturday Evenings

I have never been much of a party person… even as a teenager I would be out late with my friends and all I could think of was being in my bed. And I needed to be in my bed… otherwise I'd have this incurable headache that was difficult to try and survive. So I didn't try and survive it.

I just stayed home and bonded with my nail polish and cozy PJ's.

Therefore, the ideal Saturday evening is being home with some good movies and a pen and paper for when my words come through for reflection. I don't mind it really; there are many reasons why it was always what I preferred my life to be like. So many people strive to get peace into their lives and I still can give myself that. Being single has truly been a blessing; I have enjoyed many aspects of this life.

I don't report to anybody, whatever I want to do I do. I don't have to make phone calls to anyone or expect them for that matter. There's wonderful liberation too because there's no constant worry about your partner, if they still find you interesting or the constant insecurity of whether he still finds you attractive. The pressure of trying to please someone with your looks, your approach, your sacrifice and compromise. There's really so much that you lose… especially of yourself when you're with someone including of course the well renowned joy and peace of a Saturday evening.

I have lived this life for years and I have absolutely loved the contentment it has brought me, the freedom it has afforded and the lessons that it has taught. Even though I would admit, this is said with slight hesitation, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have loved this girl, her independence has been inspiring. I never would have ever believed that I'd be so strong on my own.

I have my own mind, I make my own decisions and I am happy. I have made myself happy. But every chapter must make way for another. Life has to change, it has to improve, there's more to discover about myself. Another girl! The girl who wants to lose herself in someone else's arms.

I fell asleep in Edward's arms tonight. It couldn't have been that deep of a sleep because I was woken by the sofa shifting beside me then a strong arm draped across my waist, a smile on my face. I have been alone for so long, think I had forgotten what the arms of a man must feel like.

The different texture from that of my own. How the hair in his arms feels differently from mine and how that Japanese inscription tattoo adds to the mystery of his past- I wonder what it means.

I look up at him, his strong hands edging me closer. He wants what he didn't want a couple of hours ago. He wants to have sex and I put on no fight. I let him spread my legs apart, pull down my jeans and from then I was being played like an instrument and responding to every note in a positive way so it never should surprise you if there's never any more Saturday nights spent alone when I could be making love to Edward instead.

We lay naked in each other's arms after sex, I like this that's all I can think, and I like this.

BELLA: (Playing with the tattoo in his arm) what does it mean?

EDWARD: It could mean nothing… doesn't mean that because it's Japanese it means something.

BELLA: But it does doesn't it? Tell me what it means.

EDWARD: I got this my last year in high school. I was just so tired of my father thinking that he's got some control over my life and I had these words "You lost one" tattooed on my arm… to tell him that I wasn't his to bother with and I was the champion of my life, I decided the course and he's got no hold over me.

BELLA: Has he seen it?

EDWARD: He knows about all my tattoos.

BELLA: Even the one on your upper thigh?

EDWARD: Maybe not that one… (They both laugh) that's just known by the women I sleep with.

BELLA: The women?

EDWARD: But you know there's so many of you that my precious time is allocated to.

That infamous humor again.

BELLA: Really?

EDWARD: Like now, when I have used you as I wish I am going to move on to the next one.

BELLA: Oh yes who?

EDWARD: I don't know depends on who I run into first.

BELLA: (Laughing) Come on stop kidding yourself, I mean you're good looking but there's only a few of us who are desperate enough to do you.

EDWARD: Desperate hey?

We wrestle playfully for a couple of seconds but only stop when he gives me that look again. The "you're all that I can see" look. I love this look.

EDWARD: All this time I thought that I would stay angry.

BELLA: You're not angry anymore.

EDWARD: I still am but not when I'm with you.

BELLA: Don't say things like that!

EDWARD: What, are you scared?

BELLA: No. if I don't make you angry it means that you won't get a tattoo on my honor.

He doesn't mind my sense of humor either but he doesn't want me pulling away so he brings me into him.

EDWARD: There's more than enough space for you on my skin.

I laugh as he plants a kiss on my forehead.

EDWARD: I am happy you came.

I am happy I came.

I am not prepared for this- more considerably, Edward isn't prepared for this. All he went downstairs to do is to fix some sandwiches. What he didn't bet on is his father Carlisle Cullen walking in on him as pounced around in nothing but his towel. Carlisle had made no nuisance of himself all this time. He merely sat in the kitchen table, working on his laptop.

If it was surprise he was looking for he got the element working just fine for him when Edward walked in to find him there. There's no panic in Edward, just that disenchanted resigned look that says he would rather not go through this now. There's nothing else to do… but cope.

EDWARD: I didn't hear you coming in.

CHARLISLE: Maybe because your partner upstairs was busy screaming out your name. She has a very high pitch.

EDWARD: So you've been back long?

CHARLISLE: A couple of hours.

Edward turns his back to Carlisle to open the fridge. He is very keen on making this sandwich regardless of the inconvenient presence of his father.

CHARLISLE: She has a different ascent.

EDWARD: She's black! And please save your real opinions for yourself.

CHARLISLE: As if it ever really mattered to me… who or what they are… even more importantly to you.

EDWARD: This is exactly why my sex life is none of your business.

CHARLISLE: Say what you will about being square and out of fashion but I unlike you have loved only one woman all my life.

EDWARD: Is that why she left you Dad… cos you loved her?

CHARLISLE: It's not just me she left Edward.

EDWARD: She's the love of your life… your loss.

He says closing the door to the fridge door, setting the ingredients on the counter, all this he does with the attention of his father.

CHARLISLE: Black women have always had huge appetites.

EDWARD: And white women have tiny breasts, what's your point Dad?

CHARLISLE: Maybe I am just trying to be funny.

EDWARD: I don't like you when you're trying to be funny.

CHARLISLE: Correction Edward, you don't like me period.

There's a long quiet as both men go about their individual task with the heavy accusation still hanging in the air. They have obviously have lived this life for a long time but it seems to bother Richard more than it does Edward.

CHARLISLE: So why are you hosting her here, thought you were embarrassed about the wealth?

EDWARD: She loves Linksfield.

CHARLISLE: You know what she loves? That implies that you have actually done some talking.

Perhaps the fact that that he gets irritated at his father's comment is an indication of just how much Edward likes spending time with Bella.

EDWARD: Yes and she's much better company than you will ever be. We'll be out of your house first thing in the morning.

Edward doesn't tell me that his father is back in town and more importantly is in the house. I don't pick up anything unusual in his behavior. I've always prided myself of being a highly intuitive girl but nothing about the rest of the evening even alluded to something.

We had our sandwiches then our sex, he held me, and we talked for hours until I fell fast asleep.

I am the first to awaken the following morning. I am not surprised; Edward doesn't leave his sleep to anyone. I sit up to look at him; he's so beautiful; I still don't understand why he's choosing to spend his nights with me. I am not complaining but still, I've spent all my life convincing myself that his kind do not spend their time with girls like me.

This isn't to say that I have little confidence in myself and what I can achieve but

I always thought of myself as being a realistic person.

Realistic and intuitive.

And girls like me only stop at dreaming about Edward, we don't go around pretending like we're capable of Edward. If it was my blonde friend Alice for instance, yes. I mean have you seen that beautiful blonde hair and captivating green eyes.

It makes sense; beautiful people belong together. So why is Edward hanging around with me? I would love to stay, prolong this moment in time where time and all its hands is turning for me, where a girl like me believes this moment to be real, the handsome Edward actually means to be here, confirmed in my presence.

No! It's not possible.

What is it they say; if it seems too good to be true then it probably is. Shit! I've managed to bring myself down. I think about leaving but decide against it. We had plans for today and tomorrow. I don't have anything better to run back to or anyone better for that matter.

Jacob is too far to bother with. Funny how everything always bowls down to him.

Perhaps it is clever to do something that will take my mind off the both of them. Yes, I'm going to go downstairs to make sure Edward is fed before we carry out the plans we have made. Just a simple English breakfast should do.

Lord knows it's all that I can master… well that and spinach.

But come on I bet any fool can boaster that record, it's pretty complicated to mess up a meal consisting of eggs and sausages.

It's settled then; I am making Edward an English breakfast… I will get to that if I can find something to wear. I could go naked but after much contemplating and logic kicking in… thanks goodness…I find Edward's shorts and a saggy T-shirt and start downstairs.

I would love to be listening to Linkin Park "Bleed it out". Something about hearing people throw everything away always picks me up. I tie my hair back, hurry downstairs prepared to start with Edward's breakfast but nothing would have prepared me for Carlisle.

I know immediately that this is Edward's father. I freeze, curse myself out, this is going to be awkward. And I can tell from the way he's looking back at me… with that empty, blank look that I can draw this conclusion from; he knew I was here. His tone of voice only confirms my feeling.

CHARLISLE: No need to panic, he didn't tell you I was back because he was counting on me being out of the house by now.

BELLA: He knows you're back?

My voice sounds more reassured than I am letting on. I do not think I have ever met boyfriends' father before and the first time I do, he's not even a boyfriend.

I am completely frightened by how easy he is taking my presence. Is it because he knew I was here or does Edward do this sort of thing all the time.

CHARLISLE: Yes he does. Are you shocked he didn't tell you?

BELLA: Am I not allowed to be?

CHARLISLE: You obviously don't know him as well as you should know someone whom you're sleeping with.

He cuts his eyes at me. I am more than a little intimidated by this man besides the fact that he is Edward's father; he is coming off cold and unreceptive. He is the complete opposite of how he's son is like, I am not sure how to deal with such a presence.

BELLA: Probably not!

My voice is resigned, I am aware that whatever confidence I was beginning to exhibit with Edward in the past couple of days is leaving me. I think I know how difficult it must have been for Edward to be raised by such a presence. I have only known him a few minutes and already feel like running for cover.

CHARLISLE: Here's the thing you should know about my son before you go do something foolish like fall in love with him… and trust me it has happened before… he's unreachable. My son is one of those people that are impossible to love simply because he doesn't want to be loved. Do yourself a favor and find someone else while you still can.

I am not sure where I summon the courage to ask him the following question. He is as surprised at my bravery as I am. He is not used to being taken on.

BELLA: Is that why you don't love him anymore?

CHARLISLE: Is that what he's told you?

He has more hesitation than he did a minute ago. Edward is his only weakness I conclude because this gets me back into a powerful position. Okay so I am not going to take over the world, or do something necessary like dethrone Bush or something but Carlisle Cullen is close enough.

He now knows he cannot underestimate me but he will have to tell Bush, Blair, and also that Australian prime minister whose name I can't remember at the moment that I am more to his son that he initially thought.

BELLA: In many words.

CHARLISLE: He mentions me to you?

BELLA: Yes!

CHARLISLE: Has he told you that he doesn't belong to me anymore?

BELLA: He has but that's impossible to do Mr. Taylor.

He takes a long look at me. Forget Bush, Blair and the Australian Prime Minister whose name I can't remember at the moment I am back at

one. All the power I thought I had conjured quickly evaporating into nothingness.

CHARLISLE: What's your name?

BELLA: Bella.

CHARLISLE: Bella, that's a beautiful name.

BELLA: Thank you.

Wait! Should I be taking credit for that? It's not like I actually had anything to do with my name.

Its fine I'll just call my mother soon after this I am sure everything should be fine.

CHARLISLE: Let me tell you something, he may be my son but that doesn't matter to him. He's asked me time and time again not love him.I've always believed in giving my only son everything that he wants.

Defeat! I have been defeated! Edward has been defeated.

CHARLISLE: Looking forward to seeing you around Bella.

BELLA: Bye Mr. Cullen.

I am not sure whether to be angry with Edward. I feel completely concerned about his strained relationship with his father and I understand but does that mean he has a right to keep things from me. What now? Do I go on as if nothing has happened? Do I leave or do I stay? I know for certain that I can't go around pretending like nothing's happened.

Edward has to know I have met his father.

He's already sitting up at the bed by the time I take the tray upstairs. He is looking through a newspaper… puts it aside when he sees me coming.

EDWARD: I was wondering where you disappeared

BELLA: Well not all of us have mastered the art of sleeping our morning away.

My voice is carrying more rashness than I had intended to reveal, I could only hope he hasn't managed to pick up on it.

BELLA: It's a simple English breakfast, not that I went out of my way.

It's not gone. My voice is still snappy. I guess I have decided that I am angry with him for not telling me that his father was back.

BELLA: Are you trying to find a job?

EDWARD: Yes but to no avail.

BELLA: What, are they all not lazy enough for you?

If he couldn't tell that something had been happening he knows now. The look in his eyes alters; he can't guess what he could have possibly done wrong.

EDWARD: Close! I am not lazy enough for them.

He expects a laugh but when he didn't get even a smile he knew for sure he had angered me in some way. He surprises me, he cares that I am feeling anxiety.

EDWARD: What's wrong, have I upset you in some way?

There's no turning back, I have to confront him now.

I mean sometimes even beautiful blue eyes can't do the trick. Even beautiful people don't get away with everything.

BELLA: I ran into your father downstairs.

His eyes immediately fill with rage. I have touched on something that is very personal to him. This could either make or break the weekend that we had planned for ourselves.

EDWARD: He stayed longer than expected.

BELLA: it is his house he can do whatever he wants, it's you and me that mustn't be here, much more me than you.

EDWARD: (With a sigh) don't let my father intimidate you.

BELLA: I am not intimidated Edward I am frustrated. I mean you knew that he was here then why didn't you say anything to me.

EDWARD: I didn't expect him to be here at that time. He's never been in his house passed seven in the morning. Maybe things change I don't know. When I still lived here, I was lucky if I saw him at dawn.

BELLA: And last night, when I was screaming out your name and yelling out obscenities, did you expect him then?

EDWARD: I didn't expect him in for a couple of days I told you that.

BELLA: But when did you realize he was here?

EDWARD: Why does it matter?

BELLA: because it's embarrassing.

EDWARD: What, that we had sex? People have sex all the time Bella, so we had ours when my father was downstairs big deal.

Big deal! This man is joking.

BELLA: We didn't just have sex Edward!

Trust me we didn't just have sex. No it wasn't just sex … there were handcuffs involved and names… lots and lots of name-calling. So no, it wasn't just sex.

EDWARD: So we got a little wild.

BELLA: Wild Edward, we got irresponsible. So I suppose you don't find it important to create a good first impression. Can you imagine what he thinks of me now?

EDWARD: It's more what he thinks of me, so trust me your reputation is still intact.

I get a glimpse at him naked as he climbs out of bed but I am staying focus, trying to get my point across.

BELLA: I am not that type of girl Edward. I am not comfortable being known as a slut.

EDWARD: Sure as hell didn't mind being called one last night.

What? Watch it pal you're not the only one who can get nasty.

BELLA: Yes that's when I thought you and I were alone Edward. Emphasis on the word alone…

He wraps his towel around his waist, a decision I am thrilled he has taken because now I can go along nicely with being angry with him.

BELLA: Sex is a very personal experience Edward; I am not one who thinks of it as a public event.

EDWARD: It seems you are also one that doesn't want others to know that she's sexually active.

BELLA: No Edward it has absolutely nothing to do with that. I just had hoped that you'd let me know that your father was in the house.

EDWARD: So what… you wouldn't let me tie you up or rim you… cos you got really excited when I did that.

My anger graduates to hatred as he starts to speak at me, throwing words to my face.

EDWARD: Or what about that time when my tongue swirled around your clit or when I came on your breast calling you a slut. Would we have left that all that out if you knew?

It's not to say I meant to hit him but the edge was so irresistible. The edge to just slap him and slap him hard. To bring him to reality, to now, try to make him aware that he was intentionally hurting me.

I didn't expect that it would be a good slap but not much less than his. Yes, I slapped him and he slapped me right back. But it meant much more when he did it, more of a betrayal, more of an agony, more of a disappointment, I've never had a guy hit me before.

And oh let me not fail to admit that it hurt, that it stings like nothing else I've ever felt before. I haven't had a chance to look at myself in the mirror but my cheek feels distant from the rest of my face.

I don't know where I gather the strength to take him on because not only am I in pain, I am afraid.

BELLA: You hit me!

EDWARD: You hit me! You hurt me so I hurt you.

I try to hit him back but he's quick to the response this time, he grabs both my arms preventing me from hitting him again but this is doing nothing for my anger except drive me out of my senses.

I don't believe him. I don't believe this guy and his logic. I mean he hit me and not only that he insulted me by using something that I shared with him in my most vulnerable and using it against me. He thinks he's going to get out of this on a trifle.

BELLA: Let go of me!

I snatch away from him.

My mind might have went back and forth about staying just a moment ago but now I know I can't stay because I simply don't want to. He watches as I put on my shoes and get my jacket, he doesn't say anything… he just watches. I realize as I'm reaching for my bag that I am shaking. It's been so long since I have been involved in one of these I am not sure what to feel.

EDWARD: Don't you think you might be overreacting?

BELLA: Who cares hey, it's not your problem.

And that's that, I'm out. I don't do as much as look back to see if he's behind me. He's not anyway. It's one of two things; he doesn't care or he realizes the importance of giving me my space right now.

I catch a taxi; I'm home only 15 minutes later. Relived, I lean against the door and literally bump my head at the door to keep from crying.

Have I misjudged him? Is he darker than he appears? Or was he just angry, more at his father than me? Did he take it all out on me just because I was there?

I couldn't have helped, demanding explanations as though I'm his girlfriend. That is not important though he should have told me his father was downstairs… leaving me there to embarrass myself like that. Can you imagine how it must have sounded like to him? The kind of woman he must think I am from all that stuff Edward and I were saying to each other. How dare he demoralize me like that? He has no right to me.


	17. The End is nigh

Chapter 16: The End is nigh

Let me tell you a secret that's known only to me and my God… I am looking forward to seeing him again tomorrow. I tried calling him again last night… just to hear him speak but that white woman kept telling me that the subscriber I have dialed is not available at the moment, that I should try again later. She's polite yes but it's not her voice I want to hear.

I can't even leave a voicemail message. Maybe he's lost his phone, how can he be unavailable for so many days. Or it's simpler, he knows it's me and so he's choosing not to take my call. Okay maybe that is a bit dramatic, maybe he's unavailable because he is having sex… for five straight days. And yet still… I miss him. I knew he wasn't coming to work all those days but for some reason I would still look out for him at the coffee shop cos I thought for some strange reason that he was going to come walking through the door. It's been a week now since we spoke but the memory of the times we did still lives vividly in me. It seems like yesterday, maybe it's because time flies when you have fun and oh I always have fun with him. Well for whatever reason I miss him and when he gets back from Cape Town tomorrow, I pray that things between us will continue to improve.


	18. Momentum Shift

Chapter 17: Momentum Shift

Jacob tells me he's back in town.

BELLA: Really, are you at your place?

JACOB: Yes I was going to suggest we meet up right now but my cousin is on a bonding tip; you want to meet for breakfast instead?

BELLA: That sounds great!

JACOB: We could go to the café we always meet up at. Surely, they know us well enough to let me buy on credit. (Laughing) Cape Town really broke me.

BELLA: That's Ok I can pick it, it will be my treat.

JACOB: I was kidding Bella. You know independent women can never take a money joke.

BELLA: Well I'm laughing now!

JACOB: Good… look I really am looking forward to seeing you again. I've missed you.

BELLA: Yes me too.

For a moment, I think Jacob will be different this time around, he is so full of promise, and his voice sounds so alive with a manner of spark that is rarely present there.

JACOB: So see you then.

BELLA: Aright bye.

Jacob looks at his beautiful cousin Terry-Ann, impressed already by the smell in her Basonia flat.

TERRY-ANN: Is that the infamous Bella you were about to tell me about.

JACOB: You know Terry-Ann sometimes I wish you and me had issues. You know my father and your father are brothers but you and I are different because they are different. They don't look alike and we don't either.

TERRY-ANN: Yes but we understand each other, we always did even though our parents had hoped we didn't.

She puts her hand softly on his cheek.

TERRY-ANN: But you're my brother Jacob...

And different they are. Terry-Ann's mother being black.

He smiles knowing that no matter how all else may fail in life he will always have this moment. He will always have Terry-Ann.

TERRY-ANN: And for that reason alone you owe me the story of Bella.

JACOB: You sure have an interesting way to dig for information. 'Oh I know what I'll do.

I'll tell him he's my brother then surely he will feel inclined to tell me everything about Bella.' (Terry-Ann laughs) Ok con woman… Bella is a woman I work with who I have been hanging out with for a while now.

TERRY-ANN: Hanging out as in dating?

BELLA: No no not dates per say. I just mean hanging out for breakfast, lunch sometimes and I even took her to Melrose.

TERRY-ANN: How are those not dates Jacob?

JACOB: Because they just happen. Take the breakfast thing for instance… before I went to Cape Town I ran into her three times at the same café and we just started talking.

TERRY-ANN: About what?

JACOB: Oh I don't know everything. We talk about our past relationships, her writing…

TERRY-ANN: She's a writer?

JACOB: A great one. I am sure I can find something of hers to read in my files somewhere. We talk about family, although sometimes I think I am more open than she is you know.

TERRY-ANN: What do you mean?

JACOB: well she never talks about what she feels. She can go the whole day just listening to me and trying to help me figure out my shit but never give me the chance to help with hers.

TERRY-ANN: Maybe she just doesn't have any.

JACOB: That's bullshit; we all have something to deal with, some telling insecurity about one thing or another. She just doesn't trust me enough to relate any of them to me.

TERRY-ANN: And that bothers you?

JACOB: Lord knows she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do Terry-Ann. I mean I can't force her to talk to me if she doesn't think I am that someone she can be comfortable with.

TERRY-ANN: It's different because you're trying to get with her, you can't just throw your hands and pretend not to care.

JACOB: Exactly! So I have to work at changing that. Maybe if she knew how much I actually like her then she will open up to me.

TERRY-ANN: Do you know how major this is for you? You haven't liked anyone in a very long time.

JACOB: I know but it's just something about this one, like she's just somebody that I have to be with. Every time I try to ignore her, every sign just keeps pointing to her. Like before I went to Cape Town I was getting tired of the nightlife and all this drinking and drugs and the more I was asking God for my liberation I was running into her every morning. I know it's silly…

TERRY-ANN: No it isn't.

JACOB: It just feels like God… or whatever power is responsible for bringing people together was practically pushing her down my throat, trying to tell me something you know. You must think I've lost my mind.

TERRY-ANN: A little. I guess I am afraid you're so desperate to get your life on track, you might mistake this for something that it's not.

She knew she had to heroic to follow that up with her story but she saw an opportunity and ceased it.

TERRY-ANN: So does that mean that you finally understand about Kieran and me.

JACOB: Oh why did you have to go there?

TERRY-ANN: Because he is your best friend, whom you haven't spoken to ever since you found out he was dating me. Why must you be so difficult to him?

JACOB: I don't know maybe because he insulted me and went after my cousin even after I told him that I didn't want him to.

TERRY-ANN: The same cousin whom he's still with and who sneaked around to see him.

JACOB: No!

TERRY-ANN: Why not? I am just as guilty. I knew you didn't want us to be together but I still met him. Why do you talk to me and not him?

JACOB: Cos you are my family and you didn't plot to go against me as intentionally as he did. You are my sister Terry-Ann and it is my job to protect you.

TERRY-ANN: From Kieran? Jacob I don't know what you think has been going on for the past six months but Kieran is my boyfriend. He is the man I love and we are happy Jacob. Why do I need any protection from that, from the one thing in this whole world that is ok with me?

Perhaps it's because he recognized the somberness of the question and he knew immediately he was not winning this argument… only by being inconsiderate and being rude hen stood a chance.

JACOB: You want to be with Kieran Terry, I think you've showed that what I say matters not to you.

He doesn't walk out, instead dips into his pocket for some cigarettes to light up outside. Terry-Ann knows giving him time and space is the only way to go


	19. Something I hate about you

~*~

Chapter 18: Something I hate about you

I hate the shirt he is wearing today. It is like this bold pink with large stripes. Not bad looking just… so there… a presence that you cannot ignore.

It's pink and no matter what you try and do it's just there… a constant. So you don't hate it because it's bad but because it's just there. No matter what you do it's there. Like my feelings for him. They have become a constant… that's not just something I hate about me it's something I hate about him…

BELLA: So tell me all about Cape Town.

JACOB: Nothing major to report really. I saw all my old friends, hung out, and lost my head a little, nothing too unexpected. (Laughing)

I think yes he is different, he seems luminous. He is laughing more and looking like he really did think of me whiles he was away. He tells me about Rosalie, how she and Terry-Ann are the most important women in his life right now. He tells me he saw his notorious ex girlfriend Norah but that didn't break him as much as everyone expected it would… that he now knows after that encounter that he has truly left her behind.

He doesn't say: I slept with her, because he knows he hasn't completely broken free of her spell. She is a weakness in him that he prefers to shy away from, too weary of the power she still has over him.

My reasons for withholding my relationship with Edward are different. I have grown fond of Edward but he's still not the man who comes first… Jacob is and so long as I am here with him… in this way… then I'd like to think that my chances are worth holding on for.

He gives me nothing though, just too comfortable, too friendly, too easy to be anything either than my friend. I begin to compare him to Edward.

Edward who is more than a friend, even from the first day I met him, he was suggestive in his behavior. He smiled more than Jacob and I responded to him all the time he did. He held my hand and flung his arms around me more freely and I like how he always does that, it makes me feel like I am there. I know it's pathetic but it's always the simple things that I respond to.

But I suppose Edward is interested in charming me and this one doesn't have to try as hard because well the hurtful truth is that he isn't interested. I get that but what do I do with myself between now and getting over him.

For the first time in days, I think about calling Edward but I find my brain before I start dialing the combination of numbers. I call Alice instead; hearing about Guliano usually clears my head. I know some people do things like, take long baths or read a book. I have my excuses… seeing a movie has become ridiculously expensive; unless you're watching Josh Hartnett it's just not worth the price of admission. I never take long baths unless I want to torture myself with thoughts of Josh… no not Josh Hartnett Jacob Black and you know as well as I do that he is not my favorite person… Jacob Black not Josh Hartnett- he's the one I'd pay the expensive price of admission to go and watch. As for the book…lately I have been working on my own. So Alice… I meet her for lunch.

ALICE: I am sorry I couldn't do anything this weekend, Guliano's mother needed help clearing the attic.

BELLA: That must have been an incredible day of bonding.

ALICE: You mean painful. I just wanted to get my mind off Patrick after the week I had. Now that I think about it, I did try to call you a couple of times but your phone kept going through to voicemail. Why was your phone off- where were you?

BELLA: I was home…

There's no need to tell her about Edward, that chapter is over before it even begun.

BELLA: my battery may have been flat and you know I never pay attention to my phone. But that's not important, tell me about the attic.

ALICE: Girl there's nothing to tell about the attic, it was dirty so we cleaned it.

Bella laughs.

ALICE: And Guliano kept being an asshole the whole time.

BELLA: What did he do?

KALIE: You know how he is; he always feels the need to show off on my expense whenever his folks are around. I am upstairs helping his mother in the attic, he wants to go out with his friend Emmett, and you know how much I dislike Em. He asks me in front of his mother, he knows I can't say no and I have to let him go cos otherwise it looks like I have some sort of possessive strong hold over him.

BELLA: But he put you on the spot, what else were you suppose to do?

ALICE: And he does this all the time

BELLA: And it's intentional…

ALICE: That's what drives me crazy. He knows I won't react in front of his parents. You know how his father is; he already has issues with me and I don't wanna tick him off anymore than I have in the past 2 years.

BELLA: It's funny I thought the two of you were starting to hit it off when the Charlotte thing happened.

ALICE: And wasn't that Guliano's fault?

BELLA: Completely.

ALICE: But when it comes to his father, his only son can do no wrong. It's actually surprising that he is harder on Maria than he is on Guliano.

BELLA: And Maria is younger?

ALICE: Yes!

BELLA: That's the incorrect order of things…

ALICE: It's just not fair Bells. I've tried everything with this family, I feel like he's judging me unfairly and Guliano doesn't do anything to help the situation.

BELLA: You're going to talk to him?

ALICE: I suppose that's the only thing to do isn't it? But you know the problem I always get with Guliano is when we talk, he says he know he's in the wrong, he changes for a while and then he's back to his old ways. I know I'll talk to him Monday; he'll do well until Thursday. And I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I think we're at a point in our relationship where we either get married or break up and I don't wanna do either. I don't know what to do Bells.

BELLA: Maybe you guys need to experiment more to try and get out of this rut that you guys are in. Did you see the new Cosmo?

ALICE: Oh, you can't tell me you want me to try those ridiculous sex positions they have on there.

BELLA: It's worth a shot Alice, especially that 6-9 position…

ALICE: I don't understand how that is suppose to work… you should find out from someone then you can try the 6-9 position, tell me how it works then if you're successful I will be more than happy to try it with Guliano.

I am thinking of, for some reason Edward. No, we haven't tried the 6-9 position; I don't believe we've had the chance.

I can't believe I got on the nerves of the only man who had been willing to give me my first real chance in 4 years. And such a handsome man at that, humble and sensitive. I may not love him as I love Jacob but where do I think I will ever find such modesty. I don't deserve Edward he is too idyllic for me.

It's been a week since our big disagreement… I would say big slap fest but it doesn't sound quite right does it? So for now it's just a big disagreement. I check my phone, perhaps not the greatest of times to do so; Alice immediately makes me regret it.

ALICE: Who you checking for?

BELLA: No one just tendency I guess. I think of my phone as an Mp3 player, I just play music nobody calls me...

ALICE: (Laughing) you'll find someone Bells.

I force a smile, Edward again. This is getting bothersome. I don't think he finds it appealing to think about me right now.

BELLA: Yes I guess I will.

See… I never know. I never know what they are thinking, what they are doing or if I am that someone they would like to be doing it with. Edward is such an aberration, such an accident of fate, all that he is everything why he isn't mine to think about. That face, those hands, those… those clothes. That hair that mouth, that… that mind. So easy, so humorous, so… so kind… full of potential, full of grace… filled with confusion, filled with turmoil and ambivalent truths that are buried deep within the beautiful layers of person and person that can be found within him.

What a beautiful mind and yet he doesn't know. He doesn't know that I'm beginning to miss him. I will never know if he's missing me too.

Edward takes a sip from his teacup, his fifth of the day. He doesn't like the taste of it quite frankly; he finds it bitter and sour. Perhaps the latter has never before been associated with tea but he is confident it is there. Especially after, you've taken a few sips at it and your tongue has gone numb from all those herbs. So you suck on it (your tongue that is for all you with perverted minds) and that intoxicating rush of sour surrounds your mouth and unless your toothbrush is in reach that taste stays with you and oddly enough the only remedy for that is yet another cup of tea.

Edward thinks of it like ash, you know blend and he was beginning to view it much like a shot of whisky, bitter on your first glass but pretty much like Coke on your fifth… it's BBRR… on the Coke side of life (hope I don't get sued by using this slogan)

He circled in red every potential job on today's classified newspaper and then wondered if his CV was up to date.

He remembers adding on "Data Capture" but that was two months and three jobs ago. He definitely needs to update his CV. He sure wishes Emmett were here, he is so much better at this stuff than he is. He is too lazy and…

EDWARD: I am not motivated…

He drops the marker, looks around his flat. It's clearer when Emmett is around. He didn't think it was that terrifying but just a few things here and there that needed tidying… like the clothing items that are scattered loosely on the floor, maybe he should pick them up. Or the dishes that are starting to pile up in the sink, maybe he should wash them. He knows he should but…

EDWARD: I am not motivated…

He picks up the phone- calls a friend.

EDWARD: Bryce its Edward, what you up to? Wanna do something tonight?

Guess it was the bitter sour taste of the tea that ultimately poisoned his brain but he went for something stronger and a bit more effective in its supply of motivation… even if it's just for a couple of hours.

He sat across Bryce at the news café, they chatted away, downed a few drinks together before they were joined by more friends and he maintained the energy while his friends chatted some women up and when that time of the night came he could only think of Bella. It just felt… unnecessary to try to court one when there is already that one he would rather see tonight.

He was pretty much convinced he couldn't drive himself home when he called Bella; it was the only condition he could have summoned the courage to call her and he was much convinced, looking at the time that she wouldn't be thrilled she has to take this call.

EDWARD: I know what you're thinking… he is a much bigger idiot than I am prepared to admit if he's calling me this time of the night.

BELLA: In this time of the morning you mean… it's 01:30 Edward.

EDWARD: That's bad right?

BELLA: Considering that I have to be at work in six hours yes I suppose it's bad...

EDWARD: So does that mean you can't pick me up. I am a little wasted and I can't get home.

BELLA: then call Jacob.

EDWARD: I can't; I don't miss Jacob as much as I do you

He's spoken to that part of her that has been thinking about him all day- that part that is not afraid to admit to the feelings she has for Edward Cullen.

EDWARD: So please can you come?

The silence was only done to keep him on the loop; she knew all along that she was going to do it.

BELLA: I'll ask my neighbor to drop me off. Where are you?

And I was driving him only twenty minutes later. He trips at the door as soon as I unlock it. I pretend to not be in the mood for this. I turn on the lights and decide he can find his way from here.

BELLA: You should be able to take it from here.

EDWARD: You're leaving?

BELLA: Yes I told Stan to follow me so he's waiting outside.

He reaches out for hand. He's too drunk to stand so he takes a seat at the arm of the sofa and talk to me. I have known Edward long enough now, he is very much aware of what he's doing.

EDWARD: Call him off, tell him to leave you're staying with me.

BELLA: Edward!

EDWARD: It's stupid Ok, what I did and said that morning, it was stupid okay. I should have told you my father was there.

BELLA: Edward you're drunk

EDWARD: I know what I'm saying. I am not good at this stuff you know but I know I have something to be sorry for. I was upset with him but I took it out on you, which was an error on my part. Listen to me I'm even speaking proper English trying to impress you so much.

That gets the first smile out of me and with just that, it is evident that he will always know how to peel away the layers of tension off.

EDWARD: I don't deserve you I know…

BELLA: Edward!

Why does he keep saying that? It is I who doesn't deserve him; he's too beautiful, too there to be here.

EDWARD: But I want to try to be the man that you deserve and I'm not motivated without you.

BELLA: Is that how you explain the clothes all over the floor?

EDWARD: (Laughing), the dishes, and the same shirt for 3 days.

BELLA: Not even a lack of motivation can explain that.

Laughter again as he draws me closer. I hate this because there is nowhere else on earth I would rather be right now. This is the classic recipe for disaster. I already know that I will give him a hundred more chances to mess up. And the pity is that he knows that as well.

EDWARD: Stay please.

It was the touch of lips that sealed without words and right there and then it was apparent he would be driving me to work in the morning.

There isn't any rush in the morning when you don't have to rely on public transport to get you where you need to go. Knowing that you have the hour reprieve that private transportation provides you can wake up at 5:30 as usual, take a quick shower and before settling on some clothes, clear the clothes that are laying all over the floor because he had lack of motivation that came from not having you in his life.

Flattery at its best I know, especially when that guy is the handsome Edward. Let's milk this before he snaps out of it- shall we?

He has time for breakfast. Cool! I am thrilled when he finally emerges… still foggy nonetheless on his way back. He puts his arms around my waist, gives me an enthusiastic snug, which I receive appreciably.

EDWARD: I thought I was dreaming.

BELLA: Me too.

We kiss again.

BELLA: Maybe you can drop me off at my place so I can get a change of clothes.

EDWARD: No I'll wait

He starts running his fingers through my hair, once again looking at me as though I am all that he can see.

EDWARD: Thanks for cleaning the house. (I nod) Thank you for staying.

We kiss once again! Look, I really do not want to brag but this is nice.

BELLA: okay, okay, you think you can hurry up. I gatta be at work in 45 minutes.

EDWARD: ok let me go start the car.

I start with tidying up… plates, forks, salt, tomato sauce then I hear voices coming from the lounge.

Edward is not alone, a familiar voice, too familiar in fact… oh no…

My anxieties are only heightened when I see him coming into the kitchen and the look in his face says that he I just as taken aback by my presence as I am of his.

JACOB: Bella!

BELLA: Jacob!

I hope I don't sound as flustered as I feel. I can't give this to him. He doesn't love me so let me go on with my life and besides… this is too much for me to deal with right now, Edward is here.

JACOB: What are you doing here?

Edward answers instead. I wish he wouldn't be so honest but I suppose he doesn't know there's a reason to lie.

EDWARD: Bella stayed the night.

This is happening too fast.

JACOB: Stayed the night- why would she do that?

Edward comes out to me to give me a kiss, full on and on the mouth. I stand there, I don't process.

EDWARD: I'll only be a couple of minutes okay.

BELLA: Okay!

He is out the back door before I can find my way around a good protest. It is just Jacob and me now and he's definitely reached his decision.

BELLA: Do you want some tea?

JACOB: Yes cos now you know where he keeps his things.

His snappish tone doesn't escape me. I may not be ready to deal with this now but I know my defense is already well equipped to handle it all.

JACOB: So for how long now?

I don't even pretend to play dumb; I have to live up to my own life… the one I now have with Edward.

BELLA: Since that night at Melrose.

JACOB: That's a long time.

BELLA: We always were going to tell you Jacob.

JACOB: I am sure I would have found out sooner or later, Edward seems very proud of you., I am sure he would have found a way to flaunt you to everyone. What I don't get is why you didn't tell me?

BELLA: I have my reasons.

JACOB: And I am not going to get to hear any of them.

I love you.

BELLA: I don't think you want to know what feel.

He gives me a nod, there is too much not being said but I let it slide… I let him slide. I always liked looking back and trying to see if I could identify the moments when I lost Jacob (as though he were mine to lose in the first place) this is one of those moments.

JACOB: We're telling right?

BELLA: I believe we are.

JACOB: Then you should know I am seeing someone too.

BELLA: you have. I mean you are?

He has… is this another one of those moments?

BELLA: Who?

JACOB: Leeland.

I don't believe him.

JACOB: We always were going to tell you.

BELLA: How long?

JACOB: It's about three weeks now, right before I went to Cape Town. It's nothing hectic… say like you and Edward…

That accusatory tone again!

JACOB … but we've hung out a couple of times.

BELLA: its strange Leeland hasn't said anything to me.

JACOB: That's because I asked her not to.

I guess it really didn't sink in until I saw them talking during lunch at work and then it found its place and settled. Everything about that morning settled. He knows about Edward, I know about Leeland and I finally understand jealousy.

BELLA: So why didn't you tell me about Jacob?

The nerdy looking Leeland sits across me at the canteen. I wish she wouldn't look at me with those eyes, through her glasses then I wouldn't be afraid… won't feel sorry for her or feel so bad to show her what it is I really feel. Jealousy, injustice, anger. Wasn't I the one who knelt down every night in front of the candle light just praying…and begging for something to happen? Am I not the one that deserves him more?

LEELAND: Well firstly, I just want to say that I didn't keep it from you. It's just that Jacob and I talked about it and he didn't think it was appropriate… let alone necessary.

BELLA: Necessary?

I am insulted… screw the fact that I don't have any right to be.

LEELAND: He says you're dating his friend Edward.

BELLA: A while now.

LEELAND: You didn't tell me?

She's getting too corky with me. You know nerds…

… It's a malicious thought but I have just been eliminated from the Josh game I am dealing.

LEELAND: You never talk about yourself Bells..

BELLA: What can I say I am not important enough?

LEELAND: I really like him Bells and I want to see where this is going.

You want to see him? What about me? I've loved him longer? You've only been here two months and I am suppose to be civil… be big… not stand in the way of love or whatever this is? Why do I always fall short of being worthy? Why am I never good enough?

But of course what I say and feel has always proved to be two different things.

BELLA: Of course you owe it to yourself to see it through. He's a great guy Lee…

LEELAND: I know that. So is Edward.

BELLA: And how would you know that?

LEELAND: You wouldn't be with him if he wasn't.

Edward is a great guy but my heart belongs to Jacob. It always will.


	20. In Jacob’s point of view

Chapter 19: In Jacob's point of view

Dear Life,

The index of my story has no chapters; no beginning nor an end but only blank spaces in the middle… between the world and me. There could be a million me's out there but there's only one of you out there life. You take me places against my will; suck me into your vacuum that's filled with many harsh realities of responsibilities, endless possibility and compromise of my future.

It's coming round again… slowly creeping in and soon enough it falls… settles in its place. This time it's effect is putting so much pressure on my days just that I have lost control of my life. It is such a tiresome game but when will it stop? How could all this change? Will you eventually let me live? See you gave me this but now you've taken it away. Have I not been worthy all this time? I did not choose this… you did. It hurts when I think about it… don't you think you have made it a little easier for me.

I am certain that uncertainty will one day leave me to go sinking in the drain of love. This is of course depending on the outcome of the constant and fiery battle between myself and I. A victory it appears I will never have because I know that my future is destined to be my past.

What is this life…? I thought your tears were more like mine.

EDWARD: I arranged a game for tonight.

JACOB: Oh yes?

It's been a ritual of Edward's since he was eleven years old to be the first one at my house every morning. Then… I was still living with my mother and only a walking distance to school. Edward's father would drop him off and I remember Edward having to wait for me. I was always the more detailed in my dressing and sense of style… I simply needed more time to be ready. Edward played a computer game while waiting and half an hour later we'd be walking to school.

It is a lot like that still… even though I have my own place now and Edward has his own car, the pattern is still pretty much the same… without the school of course

JACOB: Thought you'd be hanging out with Bella tonight.

These days' things are slightly different, there's some tension, suspicion and even some hatred that Edward is not yet aware of. I am the host of these painful emotions and I don't think of Edward the same way as before.

EDWARD: I'll go see her later, think she was gonna go spend some time with her mother. Hope that doesn't mean you're seeing Leeland tonight.

JACOB: No not tonight.

EDWARD: Cos you're the star on the team, we need you out there. Somehow I don't think Miles and Tony will be up to be par if you know what I mean.

JACOB: You got Miles to come through how'd you do that?

EDWARD: Easy, I told his wife I'd have him home by ten, that he needed to play because there was absolutely no one else who is as efficient in that position as our talented Miles. Yes I made him sound very important for someone whose play is limited to play station and XBOX.

JACOB: And she didn't see through that?

EDWARD: Come on it's me. I didn't have to say anything. Once she knew it was me on the phone the deal was done.

JACOB: Yes you do seem to have your way with the ladies.

EDWARD: It's not too shabby.

JACOB: Just a little surprise someone like Bella would fall for it.

EDWARD: To be honest with you I still don't know how I could be capable of her.

_You're not. You will never be. She belongs to me because she is me. I love her._

EDWARD: She wants to be a writer.

JACOB: Yes I know.

We exchange our work all the time. I know she's an amazing writer- I know her better than you do.

EDWARD: A singer too and one heck of a listener. I know it may seem like things are moving too fast but I feel right with her. (Pause) don't you feel like that with Leeland?

JACOB: No I wouldn't say that!

She's not Bella!

JACOB: But I know what you mean about Bella. You're lucky.

EDWARD: Yes I know.

_What do I do now, accept you as the man in Bella's life… congratulate, be happy that my friend has found something real? Then what do I do with this resentment, this ridiculous, overwhelming injustice I now feel every time I look at you._

JACOB: You know what I don't get… what I don't understand no matter how hard I try to… why you? You already have everything.

EDWARD: Well now I do.

As I lay here staring at the ceiling, slowly drifting off. Thinking but nothing worth thinking about, just waiting for sleep to pick me up. Though most of the time it's the best part of my day… it's my time out, a break to catch my breath, my moment of silence, a place I can find some space to feel real. When sleep comes I unhook myself from life then without any reality, I get to live my own for a moment… in my dreams. And while fading into the last moments of this summer night, these are my last thoughts of this day.

I'm still on the wrong side of my life wondering if a leopard could ever really change its spots when it's true spots gives it its identity. Will there always be fiction in the spaces in between? Maybe it's a truth we all deny, choosing to exist in the grand scheme of this abstract reality we call life. And it being so gigantic, how does one overcome this illusion?


	21. In Edward's point of view

Chapter 20: In Edward's point of view

I love her. I know that if I can get her to love me back, I know I am doing something right.

EDWARD: Are you ok, you sound as if you've been crying?

Edward calls me at home after his game that night. I have been crying, I have been ever since I found out about Leeland and Jacob.

BELLA: No, I haven't been crying, I think I'm coming down with the flu or something.

EDWARD: You okay? You want me to come over; I make a mean chicken soup.

BELLA: No Edward I am fine, I just need some rest and I should be okay.

EDWARD: Ok. Do you want me to call in sick for you tomorrow?

BELLA: Will you?

EDWARD: Yes, of course it's no problem. I'll ask Jacob for your office number and I'll do it.

BELLA: Thank you. (There are no more tears but this incredible sadness that I find hard to live up to so I crawl up in my bed and just die and I do… all night long.)

EDWARD: Just lie down and I'll call you in the morning to see how you're doing.

BELLA: Okay.

There are no more tears but this incredible sadness that I find hard to live up to so I crawl up in my bed and just die and I do… all night long.

`*`

I defy her. Only an hour later I am feeding her chicken soup while I insist she stays tucked in.

EDWARD: Drink your soup and then take these.

I say handing her some capsules.

EDWARD: They should have you back on your way by morning.

BELLA: What are they?

EDWARD: They are my special mixture. I am thinking of maybe selling to S.A Pharmaceuticals for major money.

BELLA: (Laughing) so does that mean that you've finally figured out what you want to do for a living?

EDWARD: I still have no idea but I have been doing some thinking… a lot lately actually… you know about my life and what I want to do. You know when I was a child I wanted to be a doctor.

BELLA: You wanted to be a doctor?

EDWARD: When I was 12, I did but once when I was 14, I read that my then role model… Tevin Campbell… She gives me a laugh. I always make her laugh because I love to see her laugh.

Edward: … you remember Tevin Campbell…

BELLA: (Laughing) of course I do. He was my husband for 2 years until I found out he was gay.

EDWARD: You didn't see that?

BELLA: No, I was crushed the morning I found out. Locked myself in my room all day, didn't come out until my mother came knocking at my door with a picture of Larenz Tate and all my pain was gone.

EDWARD: why not, he's a straight man. (Laughter again) well Tevin was my role model back then… grill me about that later and I read somewhere that he wanted to do Computer Science and that sent me on that trail until my matric year when Jacob, Kieran and I thought that the concept of the gap year sounded appealing though we winded up doing different things.

BELLA: What do you mean?

EDWARD: Well Kieran did go to school- studied accounting and economics, Jacob as you know winded up working…

BELLA: What did you do?

EDWARD: I took the gap year, went to live in London where I did work as a voluntary aids counselor.

BELLA: That sounds interesting.

EDWARD: Yes, it was a very uplifting time for me. I got to help people, feel needed, felt pretty good about myself… like I was doing something important that really mattered in this world.

BELLA: So you think that's where your calling might be?

EDWARD: Oh hell no I'd kill myself in a week, hearing all those stories was worse than listening to Kate Nash.

Jacob loves Kate…

BELLA: But you said…

EDWARD: Yes I know what I said but you are the counselor baby not me.

(He drapes his arm around my waist; I am completely in it now. You know what it is like when you love someone and you can't be with them for whatever reason and in front of you stands this… this beautiful, funny, amazing man who does an incredible job loving you and you know that his love is not only flattering but something you can work with. It's not fair, I know, it's even selfish of me… perhaps the most selfish thing I have ever done but I just cannot lose them both.)

EDWARD: I am sorry.

BELLA: And what do you have to be sorry for?

EDWARD: Here you are getting sick and I'm busy going on about myself.

BELLA: No, I love hearing about you.

She reaches out to touch my face. I am glad she's become comfortable in her own skin that she could reach out like this and not worry even a tiny bit about my rejection. This must mean her confidence in us is growing.

BELLA: And I wish you wouldn't worry and realize that it will all just come to you in time.

EDWARD: No, I have to worry you see… it's the only way I'll ever feel like I deserve you.

BELLA: Oh Edward, I am not that great… it's just me… which is why I don't understand why you're here. A guy like you, you could be anywhere with anybody.

EDWARD: (Quickly) are you kidding? You are the most incredible person that I have ever known…

_I crank up a smile… it's hard not to don't you think?_

EDWARD: You are wonderful, gifted, kind, generous, witty…

There seem to be something else behind the smile this time. She looks as though she's wondered off.

EDWARD: … you're beautiful…

It's that one word I've made her cry_. Could she believe in herself any less?_

I reach out to wipe her tears away.

EDWARD: Hey what's wrong?

Hope she tells me what's in her mind this time.

BELLA: Nothing, it's just … no one has ever said the things to me that you just said to me. Nobody has ever been so good to me.

EDWARD: Well it's true; I am being honest with you. I really do mean all these things I say to you.

BELLA: I think that's what scares me.

She says no more I but I am secure.

She takes my hand, inviting me into her bed, leads me on with a passionate kiss and welcomes me with her fiery enthusiasm.

Something has taken over her… she is impatient, rough and demanding. She wants me now. I am with her all the way, getting rid of her PJ's as quickly as she is getting rid of my clothes.

Sure, we did run into some trouble when my jeans wouldn't cooperate but it's nothing that correct maneuvering can't fix. A wiggle there, a wiggle here, and we are down to briefs where the bulge in there is just begging to be freed. I lie on my back as she plays with me in her mouth but the impatience is contagious I get rough with her and in a flash have her laying on her back, legs around my waist… then something life altering happens, as I reach for the condom.

You know how safe sex is important and all but not tonight… she doesn't want me to use it.

BELLA: No don't…

EDWARD: Are you sure?

BELLA: Yes. Edward I am 28 years old if not now when, if not you…

EDWARD: Then who?

I don't need a second invitation and when I came inside of her for that night it was not only clear that we trusted one another but that we are having a baby.

I call her in the following morning. Her boss will have to mourn when she gets back. There's too much contentment in this morning to worry about what's her face.

I am making the phone call from her desk. There's that notebook, the one she's always scribbling on.

This must be the new book she's working on.

EDWARD: I am sure she won't mind if I read a little…

_The simple life,_

_So what happens when I want difficult things like money and power? When I want difficult things like Marat Safin as a husband and to have children who all look like him without a tint of black._

_What about if I want to be a millionaire from a number one selling album at my age or suddenly feel the need to learn four more languages to accommodate Marat's Russian, his parents' Muslim background, and understanding of Andrea Bocelli's music and have all those Chinese symbols finally have some sense to me._

_What happens when I want difficult things when he won't give me the easiest ones?_

_He is only a few feet away… I've spoken to him, he's made so much sense, my kinda sense and God just keeps shaking his head with a big fat NO… even when all I want is a conversation because it takes away so much tension and God doesn't care._

_He doesn't care how hard I've cried, how hard I want him and how simple things lift me up. I don't mean to be so difficult on God but it's just that it's looking so bleak at the moment. I am 28 years old, in love with a 28 year old who is looking for a white girlfriend but is half-Nigerian and half Irish…. amongst other nationalities._

NICK: Jacob?

I read on

_It gets crazier; he talks to me about absolutely nothing for most days you know like getting along. Now it's been a while since I've had a boyfriend, a real boyfriend, (10 years or more) and that kind of loneliness is very hard to get rid of because it builds, that kind of loneliness doesn't get easier, it doesn't go away. It stays and grows like cancer slowly eating away at you until there's nothing left to feel. But nothing is heavy, nothing is sorrowful. I don't know how nothing can feel like something but it does. I feel it, I feel like nothing and it fucking hurts. Nothing hurts!_

This isn't one of those things that one reads and only has to react to hours later when I'm taking a shower at my house all by myself. The moment is here, finding out that the woman I love loves my best friend instead… the woman who just a couple of hours ago decided to become the mother of my child.

This explains it then, why sometimes she shuts me off. She won't let me in completely because there's a part of her reserved for Jacob.

I sigh, it's strange what's happening to me, how there could still be so much love for her inside of me even though I now know the truth.

Explanations… only explanations, her crying, Jacob's strange words. They must mean… that he loves her too and must hate me because well…

EDWARD: I have her… that's why… I'm lucky to have her. Why he doesn't get why me.

_What is that he said?_

EDWARD: You already have everything.

She doesn't know he feels the same, it's the only reason she's with me.

I call my father who never expects a call from me.

EDWARD: Dad it's me. Is it possible I can see you today?I have set the wheels in motion. I am sticking around Bella because I think we are worth more than you realize…

I bring her breakfast. I give no indication I know the truth. I give her some news instead.

EDWARD: I just called my father I am seeing him today about a job.

BELLA: You are?

EDWARD: He's wanted me to join the company for a while now I am sure he must have a job for me.

BELLA: But I thought you said it's not what you want to do.

EDWARD: It's not but you and I have more important things to think about now…

I say resting my head on her stomach. I am relieved her head and to a much less degree her heart would appear is still in this.

EDWARD: Just thinking you know, that I haven't really given this company a chance, maybe if I understood what it is they do over there then I could connect to it you know.

BELLA: It's worth a try.

EDWARD: (Putting his arms around Bella) I am hoping for a boy… I want to show you that I can be a better father than my father ever was to me.

BELLA: You already are.

We kiss a while.

EDWARD: And we can be happy together you know that right?

BELLA: Of course, I know that. I think we already are.

I pull her in close to kiss her some more. Don't confuse this for settling. I am not settling for second best… I am fighting.

I see my father at my Sandton office that afternoon.

CARLISLE: And what is it are you looking to do in particular?

EDWARD: Anything really… I just thought it was time that I step up to my responsibility to this company.

CARLISLE: Now? After you swore in your grandfathers' grave that you didn't want any part in this.

EDWARD: Well grandpa and I were not that close anyway. So do you have a job for me?

CARLISLE: It's your company of course there's a job for you. I would like to keep you close to me, show you exactly what we're all about. Your requirements, standard and the workload once something happens to me you should be able to step in and do what's necessary.

EDWARD: That sounds manageable…

CARLISLE: We can discuss your package later but right now I need your help with a case study I am working on. You had a distinction for Math in school right…

EDWARD: Maybe I did.

_I finished high school at 16._

CARLISLE: Good your expertise will be highly valued here. But before we start… Edward I know that the only way you and me can have a successful working relationship is if we forget that, we're father and son.

EDWARD: That should be easy we haven't done that for a while now.

I can't speak for my father but I know that the rift between us bothers me more than I let on, I can't show him my pride.

~*~

**A/N: A lot of stuff in this chapter…OME! Bella's pregnant for Edward… Edward knows she loves Jacob… **

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	22. Revelation

Chapter 21: Revelations

I love Friday afternoons with Alice… depending on the time of month we might raid the mall for clothes and stuff and don't mistake us for over spenders when we are in fact self proclaimed cheap skates. There's a lot that can be achieved with $200 at shop. Today we meet for lunch at Mug & Bean.

BELLA: So you figured out how you going to be traveling to school next year?

ALICE: It's still an issue but Guliano says he doesn't mind dropping me off so is it.

BELLA: He says that now but you know how he constantly changes his mind about everything.

ALICE: I know you're right Bells but right now I am just going to believe in him.

BELLA: Ok that's fine…

ALICE: And besides didn't you bring me here to tell me some important news?

BELLA: I wouldn't say important just something I can't keep from you anymore.

ALICE: So you've been keeping things from me. Ooh is it office politics, scandal, you know if something's happening you know about it.

BELLA: That's true but I just kinda wanna talk about me for now.

ALICE: My favorite subject.

_Oh Alice… it's just me_.

ALICE: What's going on?

BELLA: Ok don't laugh. I've met someone.

ALICE: Like a boyfriend someone.

BELLA: Yes something like that.

ALICE: Wow who is he, how, when, tell me all about him. Is he someone I know?

BELLA: no…

ALICE I know I am asking too many questions but I am just so excited right now.

BELLA: Me too.

ALICE: What's his name?

BELLA: Edward Cullen- a friend of Jacob's, that's how I met him actually because he came to pick Jacob up from work and we got to talking while he was waiting…

ALICE: And you hit it off… how long have you been seeing him?

BELLA: About 2 months now.

ALICE: And you're just now telling me about him? You're wrong; you must be serious about him.

BELLA: More than you realize. There's something else…

ALICE: You getting married?

BELLA: Close…we're having a baby.

But of course Alice had to be absolutely certain that I was and couldn't base it on just the fact that Edward had cum inside me several times. Therefore, the solution… pee on a stick and guess what….

ALICE: You are.

BELLA: There was never any doubt in my mind.

ALICE: God who is this guy. I haven't even met him and yet you're pregnant with his child.

BELLA: Then you should meet him, we'll double date tonight. Edward and I were going to go to dinner and you and Guliano should come.

ALICE: I'll talk to him and we'll let you know… can't believe you're pregnant.

BELLA: Yes me too. He's a good man Al; I am the one who wanted this.

ALICE: But why Bells you have everything going for you.

BELLA: That's exactly why, it's time I moved on think and Edward just seems like someone I can build my life with.

ALICE: Well sweetie you know I am happy for you. Now I definitely must meet him.

BELLA: Tonight is as good a night as any.

And it does turn out that Alice can meet us for dinner. Italian I decide is always a quiet and classic setting that allows getting to know someone and present your best sides.

Edward and I are the first to arrive.

BELLA: So how did it go with your dad?

EDWARD: Not bad for my first day. I got to familiarize myself with the company that I will one-day "run"

How cute, he air quote.

BELLA: (Laughing) and…

EDWARD: Let us not judge Carlisle on just a day's performance. Just the fact that I'm going back tomorrow is an incredible achievement for Carlisle and Co.

BELLA: Did you find out if they close for December holidays?

EDWARD: No actually, I forgot; think I'll find out from Carlisle tomorrow

BELLA: (laughing) cos we don't want you to find out once you're attached and find it difficult to leave.

EDWARD: I doubt that very much but just to be safe… (Laughter again) So how is that cold tonight?

BELLA: Actually a lot better haven't felt any of the side effects since you made me soup.

_Ugh! Now he knows that I was crying over Jacob…_

EDWARD: Works every time. Hey listen Isabella you're not feeling insecure about any of this are you?

BELLA: Why should I? I am the one that wanted this. I know you're a great man and I think you'll make an amazing father.

I reach out to rest my hand over his hand, assuring him of my security in him and this relationship. It is safe to say that I intend to make this work. Edward may not be the love that makes my heart stop and gasp for air but he understands and lately that's enough for me… it has to be.

EDWARD: Well I have no insecurities…

_I have been wondering…_

EDWARD: …to be honest with you I feel like this is the happiest that I have ever been.

I can't help but smile. _Does that mean I make him happy?_ _Maybe I am kidding myself but if he is expecting his first child- one that I am carrying and he's happy because of that then I'm in the picture too._

EDWARD: You happy too right?

BELLA: Of course I am

EDWARD: Good…

He was about to say more but had to hold the thought when Alice called out for me.

ALICE: Bells…

BELLA: Hey there you are.

ALICE: Sorry I'm late but Jasper had to drive all the way back from Sandton.

_Jasper?_

_No but her boyfriend's name is Guliano. Jasper would be the new guy from work, what is she doing here with him?_

BELLA: Jasper hey.

JASPER: Hey Bella.

He gives me a kiss on the cheek. Jasper is one of those good-looking white men with good manners, good conversation and good teeth. I have no problem with him being here. I have noticed they have been hanging out with each other a lot since he started and I don't mind that either. He scores big on the points tally… more points that Guliano in fact… but let's just with hold that from Alice for now okay.

I introduce them to Edward; Alice takes a liking to him immediately. I talk to Jasper some more all through dinner and dessert and then a dance.

I decide he is far better suited for Alice than her current boyfriend. I take the challenge to make her realize that upon myself when I dance with Jasper.

JASPER: So Edward seems like a great guy Bells.

BELLA: That he is…

Both our eyes are fixed on our partners who are having a relaxed conversation at the dinner table.

BELLA: we were just talking before you and Alice came in, this is the happiest we've both ever been.

JASPER: I'm glad to hear that and I suppose congratulations are in order, Alice told me you are pregnant.

BELLA: Yes I am thank you. It's a little extraordinary for you to drive all the way from Sandton just to bring her here.

JASPER: I don't mind. There's pretty much nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for Alice.

BELLA: If only Guliano shared your sentiments, he would be here.

JASPER: There's a lot he needs to start doing right with Alice If I had her in my world, I would treat her like a queen.

BELLA: I think you'd be very good for her. Does she know how you feel?

JASPER: She doesn't want to know. She's so in love with him I don't know how she would react if she knew how I felt.

BELLA: Maybe you should tell her just so she knows… that would bring you peace I am sure.

JASPER: Yes it would but something tells me it won't be enough.

I encourage him to reveal his true feelings for her; he assures me he'll do it tonight. It should be whenever I say, I don't want to push him but I like his determination.

Edward and I are asleep when Alice's sms comes through. Edward doesn't do as much as flinch when my Usher message alert goes off. I am envious of the way he sleeps- so trouble free he appears, so lost, so adorable. I lay a kiss on his forehead and climb out of bed to read the sms:

'_Jasper's gone and ruined everything. He's told me he's got feelings for me. Not little apparently but the great kind, the kind that he just doesn't know how to ignore anymore. He said more in his text but Guliano was there when it came through so I just deleted it. I haven't answered him. I don't know what to do.'_

~*~

**A/N: Poor Jasper….**

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	23. Aint that a kick in the head?

Chapter 23: Aint that a kick in the head?

Emmett gets back from Cape Town to find Edward and me making out in the kitchen.

Edward reintroduces us… I remember him form that night at Melrose but I don't say.

_Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be?_ 'You probably don't remember me but we've met before.'

Yes very embarrassing in fact, I would rather just meet you eleven times over just to spare me the embarrassment of living through one of those moments. But Emmett can't stay; he's meeting Jacob in a couple of minutes. I try not to show my envy, it's been a while since Jacob and I hung out, I miss him.

I could call him and ask him to meet up but apart from the fact that Edward and I have plans tonight, tomorrow we have to be at work.

Tomorrow night?

Edward and I have plans. He's taking me to see "The Lion King" stage production. He's been raving about it since I met him and he really wants me to see it so…

Maybe Tuesday night?- no I promised my brother I'd have dinner with him and I can't cancel I'm really looking forward to seeing him and my nephew. I haven't really spent time with them since I met Edward so…

Wednesday night is good unless I have that thing with Alice that we really haven't confirmed. I can cancel on Alice. No I can't, not with that whole Jasper confessing his feelings thing. She'll think I am rejecting her no doubt. I have to be there so…

Thursday night is definitely promising. I am certain I don't have anything lined up for then. Although I am also certain Edward will want to spend some time together because we would have had a couple of days off. I am going to have to make something up… some lie just so I can spend some time with the man I really love- even though he does love someone else.

I miss him regardless and I am sure that if I don't think about Leeland… or Edward then I should have those trademark fabulous times with him.

Emmett in the meantime gets to see him today….

EMMETT: So you let things get out of control.

JACOB: What are you talking about?

EMMETT: So I get back from Cape Town and I find Edward making out with Bella.

JACOB: So you've met Linksfield's newest couple?

EMMETT: What happened Jacob, when you left Cape Town you were going to tell her how you feel?

JACOB: Apart for I waited too long… I don't know. But I just keep reminding myself that a woman who's as brilliant, as beautiful as her was never going to stay undiscovered for long. It was my mistake to think that she was always going to wait for me.

EMMETT: Yeah but Nick?… Jake you know that man is never serious about anything… he's going to break her heart.

JACOB: I don't know man he's got himself together for her. He's got a job at his father's firm.

EMMETT: Accounting? Edward?

JACOB: He wants to get himself together for her.

EMMETT: Like how he went and got a tattoo of that girl he was dating in high school in Japanese.

JACOB: look I don't really believe that he's capable of changing but she does and I know what it's like when she believes in you- she gets you to believe in yourself. I didn't think I could have anything until I met her.

EMMETT: But you're just giving her up.

JACOB: Edward is my friend and as much as I hate him now I have to respect what they have especially if I think it's what Bella wants.

EMMETT: Have you spoken to her?

JACOB: And say what Em? I love you what are we going to do?

EMMMETT: Have you spoken to Edward?

JACOB: And say what, I love Bella what are we going to do? I know it seems like I'm giving up but there's nothing I can do, it's just out of my hands. I just have to try to move on with Leeland and see how far that goes.

EMMETT: Do you think you can ever be happy with her?

JACOB: That's really all I can hope for, just to be happy. Now if you ask me if I can ever really love another woman the way that I love her then the answer is no. I think I doomed all my possible future relationships when I fell in love with Bella….

He doesn't even greet me when he comes in at work in the morning, the rejection and hurt prompting the following entry: He did it again; he just walked in, said hi and then moved on. I say lately on average, we speak a minute a week but if this keeps up for the next five days then the average will be down to… 5 seconds. Can't wait … ANYONE ELSE HEAR THE SARCASTIC APPLAUSE IN THE

BACKGROUND?

Every cling of an email coming though, and as predicted the rest of the week, is enough to provoke interest on my part but nothing I do, including all forms of wishing and hoping, can make it turn out to be him. No sms, no phone call, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…

Edward and I stay in and again on Friday and by the time next Thursday comes, as Edward works on some reports his father gave to him and as I type away on my notebook, it hits me hard and I am suddenly very aware that my life is going on and Jacob is not in it.


	24. In Alice's POV

_**Chapter 24:**_ In Alice's point of view.

I've always hated the concept of cheating just as the people who commit this act. I don't understand how you can claim to love someone and yet be with someone else concurrently. If you don't love them, if you're not satisfied and if you know they don't make you happy anymore then why cheat instead of leave?

I think cheating is the worst form of betrayal. Which is why I don't understand what it is that's happening to me. I know that Jasper and I haven't done anything but I feel so close to the line every time I am with him.

But lately I just have to be around him.

I hated lying to Guliano about where I was spending the night. Jasper is cooking up an Italian feast for the six of us, Edward & Bella, Jacob & Leeland, Jasper & I are gathering at his place to mark his 22nd birthday.

I am the first to arrive- that- any great scriptwriter would have predicted… okay maybe even the not so good ones would have predicted, it's dramatic. While some would have anticipated that we'd pass time by watching TV, or surfing the internet… most definitely the predictions as to what we do once I am there may differ but nothing can mistake the thin thread that is holding my relationship with Guliano. And as I am sure that Jasper and I spend some time putting some finishing touches to dinner.

JASPER: I learned to make this when I was in Italy. It's funny we never think of the Italians as a cocktail nation, we only think of them as a pizza and a pasta nation…

ALICE: Guliano can make pasta from scratch…

JASPER: Oh yeah?

Only then does it hit me…. I know about his feelings now, I shouldn't have brought Guliano up.

ALICE: Yes he is very good at it, although he prefers not to do it because of all the work and the cleaning up afterwards …

_Would you shut up?_ Just because he knows you have a boyfriend doesn't mean that you have to be insensitive about his feelings.

ALICE: I'm sorry I keep bringing him up.

JASPER: No, it's okay.

I am really hoping he is not as serene as he sounds. I'd like to believe that the effect I have on him can achieve better things than this.

ALICE: It's just that Guliano has been a major part of my life for two years now; it's difficult for me because everything reminds me of him.

JASPER: No really it's expected. I've only just come out of a serious relationship myself I know what it's like to be consumed by someone else.

ALICE: So if you loved Avril as much as you say you do then how could you be…?

JASPER: …over her already?

No, how could you love me as much as you say you do?

JASPER: I said I was in a serious relationship Alice, that doesn't necessarily equate to loving someone.

I am relieved. Why do I feel relief?

ALICE: I don't mean to appear to be insensitive…

JASPER: Alice it's not to say I told you my true feelings because I was hoping you'd leave him.

ALICE: So then why wasn't I better not knowing?

JASPER: Maybe you were but I wasn't. I needed you know there was someone else out there who could give you more than he is prepared to give.

ALICE: I don't know what you want me to do with this.

JASPER: I can't tell you what to do with it but I can show you what I suggest.

I don't back away as he steps in. I am trying hard to remember those morals aforementioned- my wonderful views on cheating and cheaters that are suddenly being challenged by the existence of this gentle creature that stands before me waiting for an opportunity to share my first kiss with him.

Must I let him, what it means if I do… more importantly, what it means if I don't?

Oh gosh, he kisses as considerately and as delicately as he speaks. So gorgeous, so calm, so relaxed but surprisingly sultry and powerful in its outcome.

My heart beat is giving me away here… there is more of me in this moment than I want there to be, there's more of me into Jasper than I want there to be.

ALICE: Jas, we can't do this.

I don't know where I find the dare to back away but I suppose that woman inside of me that has taken many stands against the act of cheating, that woman has taken a hold, that woman who strongly believes that if you don't love your partner anymore why not just leave instead of cheating. But as much as I love Guliano I am just beginning to love someone else too.

I am fraud.

JASPER: Why not?

ALICE: Because…

The doorbell rings. We stop to look at each other, disenchanted and heavyhearted. I wanted more of this. As Jasper goes to open the door, I try to answer his question to myself: Why not? But even myself "because" is the best that I can do.


	25. Overwhelming

**This chapter** made me cry….

~*~

_**Chapter 25:**_ Overwhelming

So I lie to her, tell her that I am not that into him anymore…

ALICE: So what about you, are you still into Jacob?

'I have changed' I say… I have moved on to be stronger and fixed.

I lied because as soon as I get the opportunity my eyes travel around the room to find him. If he misses me as heartedly as I miss him then he is doing a brilliant job beating it. I catch him laughing with Leeland and it breaks my heart. Four-eyed bitch, does she even know she's in the presence of royalty.

Later I would see him having a smoke at the balcony all by himself. I would love to join him but Edward beats me to it. Yes as you have guessed this prompts more of a response from me. Even though I can't hear what it is they are saying their body language is enough to give me that heavy ache inside that lets me know it is not all that well…

JACOB: Emmett tells me you've quit.

Referring to the cigarette in his mouth.

EDWARD: Not exactly quit. Apparently, second hand smoke is more dangerous because you don't puff it out and I don't wanna risk anything you know.

Jacob gives him that strange look; Edward's meaning and objectives confuse him.

EDWARD: I mean I still do it's just not when I'm around Bella.

JACOB: I don't get it… smoking has never seemed to bother her before. Is this some kind of sick, romantic idea done so you can feel like you deserve her?

There's no disguise of the bitterness in Jacob's voice. It seems he no longer intends to hide the prejudice he feels because of this relationship. But Edward is no fool for anyone and don't mistake him for a two time loser either… he knows how to play the game.

EDWRAD: Well that too but I know it cannot be good for the baby…

Jacob interrupts Edward as soon as the gun inside of him goes off and the confusion in his mind clouded his eyes that he doesn't care about giving himself away or ruining his lifelong friendship with Edward… all he needed to know is…

JACOB: What baby?

EDWARD: Bella hasn't told you… she's pregnant… oh I'm sorry we're pregnant.

It's that quick turn that he mastered finding me in my 'not so discreet corner after all' plus the look he had in his eyes that screamed at me with betrayal.

And I get it. I get hurt and offended by myself and I don't remember to rationalize why it's Jacob I feel I have betrayed… he's not the one I am with.

JACOB: No, she didn't say anything.

He casts his eyes to the floor. He looks dismayed enough to make me think for the first time since I have known him that he too feels for me the way I feel for him… the first time that's it's written in his face… after I battled, rattled myself trying to figure out if he did, if he could.

It's just my luck that I should see it now when I am pregnant with his best friends child and now when I am a confirmed presence in his life.

EDWARD: She probably was thinking I was going to tell you.

Its deceitful Edward knows but it's his own way of seeking victory. His friendship with Jacob now seems like a small price to pay when weighed against his love for me.

JACOB: Yes cos why would she right?

It's as good a time as any Edward has decided. To Jacob- it's time he comes clean about what he knows and about his intentions even it kills them as friends, this is a sacrifice that is necessary.

EDWARD: No I am lying.

JACOB: What?

EDWARD: I wanted to be the one … to tell you what life Bella and I were building for us.

JACOB: What are you talking about?

EDWARD: Jake I know… I know how you feel about Bella.I know that you love her.

JACOB: Is that why you're doing this to spite me because we love the same woman?

EDWARD: Oh, come-on Jake give me some credit will you? I don't have to spite you about anything; I am just the one she loves.

JACOB: Really? Is that why you're so 'secure' that you want to be the one to share with me this really 'wonderful' news?

EDWARD: I've always considered you're use of sarcasm annoying.

JACOB: So I've always thought you were a great friend. It seems we were both wrong.

EDWARD: Oh suddenly I am not a great friend because I needed only 2 seconds to see what you couldn't see in 2 years. She's a great woman and you've always known that but time and time you hesitated to get her in your world because you thought there could be someone else.

JACOB: You have it wrong my friend…

EDWARD: Oh yes?

JACOB: I didn't get her in my world because I thought she could do better. I had no idea she would lower her standards and go for a coward like you.

EDWARD: You waited Jake; you took a chance. Don't go calling me a coward when that's more your word than mine.

Perhaps Jacob took long to retaliate to that because he believed it too. What had made him wait to tell Bella his true feelings for so long wasn't it the fear of rejection more than anything else that made him hesitate. The fear that she knew better because she saw passed his handsome face and immaculate style, he was afraid because she knew didn't she? She knew that he had nothing to offer… that at the core, passed all his 'false' gentleman mannerisms and his counterfeit liberality that he was really just a shallow, egocentric human being who still hasn't discovered who he is.

Why would she find that attractive? Perhaps he hesitated because he knew that she deserved better and needed to work on being a better man. And yes he will own up- to think that she was always going to wait up for him was a fault perhaps now even the worst regret of his life. He has to live with it but to live with Edward as the man in Bella's life is too much to comprehend and he cannot ask himself to do that.

JACOB: I get it! You're worried that the woman you love so much and the one you want to convince yourself loves you right back actually loves me instead.

It's Edward's turn to hesitate because he too believes what Jacob has to say. He read those words himself so he knows it's more than just speculation.

He knows that her heart still largely belongs to Jacob but he is here because something in him keeps telling him to fight, he's seen enough from Bella to want to stick this out and fight for it.

JACOB: You're settling for second best. There are many things I think about you Edward but I never figured you'd settle.

EDWARD: I am not settling, I am fighting for the woman that I love.

JACOB: Who happens to love me!

EDWARD: She'll get over it. I've seen something in her to suggest that she wants a life with me… after all she's pregnant with my child.

JACOB: Because she doesn't know that I feel the same.

EDWARD: That won't change anything, she's pregnant with my child Jacob.

JACOB: This is all based on a lie, why do you think it will last?

EDWARD: Because I'm gonna make sure that it does and in the meantime leave us alone…..

His face is heavy with regret when we finally get a chance to be alone. He catches up with me as I hide myself from everyone sitting in the backyard. Strange as the moment is: everything is okay with me so long as Jacob is near.

He speaks after a long silence. He too was waiting for the pulling in his chest to die down just to keep from falling just from the sheer pain of it.

JACOB: I'm moving to Ireland!

No! What?

BELLA: Oh when?

I know I have given myself away completely. I have failed to hide my emotions and my disappointments. This man I have tried effortlessly to shake for months still has my heart like the very first day I realized I wanted him to be the one.

We were never formally introduced and I think weeks must have gone before I even bothered to learn his name. He was just this guy with amazing black hair and eyes slightly too small for his face. It's not to say that Jacob is the type of beauty you can pass by in the street without noticing- no in fact everything about his facial features is every bit arresting.

I just didn't care.

He was just another handsome face. He did come off as standoffish and the thought of invading his space always intimidated me. I kept my distance and to say I didn't have an opinion of him is saying the least.

At that time my heart still belonged to Christopher, a 40-year-old married man from East London. I am very much aware that this is a story on its own but the only reason I am going back is to try and trace where my feelings for Jacob actually changed. How he graduated from just another man to thee man.

All that's important to know about Christopher is that we had met over the phone; he said I sounded nice and I was flirtatious.

Three months later it didn't matter that he was 14 years older or that he was married, all that mattered was the secret meetings in hotel rooms whenever he was in town and it never really bothered me that he was married. In my mind I was aiming for his heart or what I use to term the "GOTCHA" moment.

You know that strange and elusive moment when he suddenly realizes after 20 years of marriage and a son that he doesn't love his wife anymore.

Looking back at that now I laugh. I expected more for myself but I thought Christopher was my knight in shining amour. I don't know the exact moment I realized to myself that it was probably not going to happen and recounting and remembering those days I am glad that Christopher is behind me.

Now back to the important story not because it's nicer but because it's my favorite to tell. Jacob and I hardly existed to each other and I think we were pretty ok with that system. I mean I don't think he rolled over in his sleep crying in tears just begging to be more my friend.

No that came much later and most of it from my part.

The memories of the first day I saw him are as faint as those of my first day in school and even though I can't recall word for word what it is we said to each other or where it was sad for that matter but I remember seeing him, recognizing him and wondering if it was appropriate for me to say hi.

I didn't have to worry because he had that covered. He probably doesn't remember how he went on about absolutely nothing in particular. I don't remember all of it now but I remember thinking; he's got a soul. I guess it was just gradual from there.

Oh but that day… that very first day I realized there was a click… or rather a gun that goes off inside whenever he's around, I remember that day.

It was my birthday- a depressing affair, turning old is depressing didn't you know? So he needs a favor from me. If I want the real Jacob to recognize this scene I will be more specific about the details but I don't want him to. I know I am writing this book about him and he will read it and figure who he is but I still don't see the complete significance of him figuring my feelings out but I've figured this… he knows anyhow.

Alice gave me my birthday hug and all along I wish he'd say something but he didn't.

Jacob didn't!

So I held on convincing myself that he wanted to but fear of rejection made him hesitate… like it did all these months and know we'll never know just how well we would have got on , he and I because his heart was never really sure. And that first day we spoke to each other I left him there… found the strength to walk away unharmed and unchanged, a luxury I can no longer afford. Now he's walking away for good, _how do_

_I move on?_

JACOB: I am moving tomorrow.

BELLA: So soon?

JACOB: I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and I finally have a reason to go.

BELLA: Is it me?

Perhaps too confident a statement, I don't know. All I know is this; he's leaving, I may not ever see him again and I feel responsible. He honors me and our friendship with the truth.

JACOB: A little bit… no I am kidding… I mean a whole lot…

BELLA: Cos I didn't tell you I was pregnant.

JACOB: More like why you didn't…

Because I love you but you know that now don't you?

JACOB: I understand. I took too much time…

BELLA: Jake…

JACOB: Let me finish. I don't think he's good for you but then again when I really think about it it's not Edward that's the problem, any man would be so long as I didn't get to be with you.

BELLA: I didn't know…

JACOB: I didn't tell you and something tells me that is a regret I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life but we can't go back can we?

BELLA: No we can't!

I would love to perhaps ravel in this moment and live all of it. Bask in the amazing glory and the revelation that Jacob Black is as in love with me as I am with him. But everything keeps bringing me back to the bitterness and the realness of the unnecessary pain that we both put ourselves through simply because there was always too much pride, hesitation to know what to do with.

I love this man more than I have loved any other my whole life and yet I can't be with him. Not because he is white, it's not even because of Edward but it's because we waited. Now there's this weighty price to pay because we were so reckless and so ordinary, so… so clumsy with the one thing we know is so rare to find. I thought I was playing a fool all those months that I loved him without the knowledge that he loves me back but now that I know he does I know for sure that I am.

JACOB: As hard as this is to say Isabella, I hope Edward lives up to his word. I don't want you to get hurt.

BELLA: I know you don't.

JACOB: Tell him to pay that fine he was docking all the time ok.

I part my lips with a smile. What I really want to do though is cry… cry until my tears dry out but I have never been able to show Jacob what it is I truly feel. Even now as he is about to leave my life… for maybe for good I don't know… I don't believe he could love me.

Edward watches from the corner of his eye as Jacob leans in to kiss me softly. It isn't stolen but the passion and the intensity of it is so apparent. Edward knows as he watches Jacob walk away that he is up against it.

I keep thinking back to that moment when his hand left mine, how I didn't want it to, how I held on just a minute too long and how he was in a hurry to let go. I can't really blame him; I'm the one who's got a life with someone else.

Edward and I haven't said one word to each other since we left Jasper's place. I am trying not to show that my heart may be on a plane to Dublin soon and Edward is trying not to show that he knows more than I know he does. He wants me to stay here… with him.

EDWARD: You enjoy yourself tonight?

BELLA: Yes it was great. I think Jasper is a wonderful cook.

The response is so flat that it makes Edward wonder whether to give victory to Jacob if only for tonight, trying hard not to find himself in a situation were I may end up despising him.

So he does!

He climbs on to bed, turns away from me. He is not the one I worry about tonight and that's a gift from Edward to me.

When he's deep in his sleep I steal his car keys to drive to Jacob's place. He had been packing the whole time but he welcomes my presence here.

I fly into his arms, tears rolling down my cheeks…

BELLA: I don't want you to go.

I feel his chest rise and fall, his heart beating at an uncharacteristic pace. I am the woman he calls his one and letting me go is tough for him.

Giving me over to another man is even tougher but the toughest thing to bare is to have to hold me so close but still not be able to touch and kiss me as he has wanted to all these months, not because he is hesitating but simply because he can't bring himself to do it because of Edward.

So he doesn't!

He makes me a cup of tea and continues to pack, he's not the one I worry about tonight and that's a gift from Jacob to me.

Edward is up by the time I get home. He's already dressed for work at this early hour. I am a little taken aback by his presence. I didn't expect him to be up. He shows no sign of anger nor the remoteness he exhibited last night. Just Edward in his wonderful, awesome cheerfulness and easiness. I don't feel I am getting away with nothing. I know I got myself a sweet deal with Edward.

EDWARD There you are!

He comes up to me.

EDWARD: Did you go for a drive or something?

He asks with a light kiss.

EDWARD: I got worried.

BELLA: Did you try and call me?

EDWARD: Yeah a couple of times but I stopped when I realized my car was gone.

BELLA: I am sorry I didn't ask your permission, it's just that…

EDWARD: (Quickly) no it's fine, you and I have a life together don't we?

I get another perk in my forehead.

EDWARD: We should talk about getting you your own car.

BELLA: Really?

EDWARD: We'll be moving in together soon and I don't want you and the baby to get stranded because I am working late or I can't get to you on time or something.

BELLA: Aright!

EDWARD: Decide on the car you want and then let me know no matter what the price ok.

I nod absent mindedly, a realization hitting the heart of my reality… Jacob is on his way to Dublin and I'm going to a new apartment, new car, new baby so that must mean new woman, new me and the new me doesn't get to love Jacob anymore. Life goes on.

~*~

**REVIEWS!!!**


	26. The second beginning

_**Chapter 26:**_ The second beginning

BELLA: Hi Edward it's me Bella… you know your wife. I know you're probably in a meeting with your father but I miss you and I wanted us to do something tonight, call me if you can.

It's not so much that I've quit working to follow my dream of being a full time writer that is driving me insane… that is going very well. I mean seriously who writer that is driving me insane… that is going very well. I mean seriously who knew when I finally let Edward convince me to leave my reception desk and go after my dream that I'd have so much quick success as a freelancer.

And between those articles I wrote for Cosmo and the wedding speeches for the Eduardo's and the Washington's… and of course the short story I had published I've stayed afloat quite nicely.

It's not so much the fact that I've quit working that's driving me crazy, it's not even the fact that Edward is always working either… that's not even the worst of it at all. I mean I suppose understand you know. We have permanently moved into Linksfield and we have a lifestyle to maintain now… the mortgage, the cars, he's got his dodge and I drive an Audi TT (he insisted), we have the credit cards (he insisted with that as well).

I work from home now and all my friends and cousins have things to do and the drive to Sandton is only 20 minutes away. My car is fast…

You can't get there as quickly as I can. And for those reasons, that sweet and comfortable life that I have gotten so fond of. Edward has to work to maintain us and to make sure that when the baby comes everything is set up suitably.

I mean I still see him, it's not to say he's completely scarce, he tries to make sure I don't feel neglected because of the demands of his job.

Like right now… hardly 5 minutes have gone by when he returns my call.

BELLA: Hey!

EDWARD: Hey baby I just got your message.

BELLA: Sorry I sounded a bit sarcastic just thought you were in a meeting with your father.

EDWARD: I am but I gave Victoria my cell and asked her to get me with some kind of emergency when you call. She came in saying something has happened with our dog.

BELLA: But we don't have a dog.

EDWARD: I know but Carlisle doesn't know. She's amazing hey.

BELLA: Yes Victoria is surely special. Hey did you ever thank your father for me? I know that Victoria is not really in his way but still…

I was happy that Carlisle had agreed to hire Victoria.

EDWARD: She's your friend ok and she needed your help.

BELLA: More like Chanel's friend, I've only met her like once or twice before.

EDWARD: It's okay baby it really is. So this dinner, who's making it… my wife?

BELLA: If she loves you as much as I know she does then she will dare not cook for you.

EDWARD: (Laughing) so as the perfect husband would it be my duty to cook then?

BELLA: No just to get take out. So is the wife safe in assuming the husband will be spending the night at home?

EDWARD: Yes of course that is a very safe assumption indeed. I'll just finish up here with my father and I'll be home in a short while. And taking into consideration what the doctor said to you about gaining more than 17lbs during this pregnancy…

BELLA: I want spur ribs, the greasiest and unhealthiest that you can find. You bring me some health leaves and I'll divorce you.

EDWARD: Must we head for divorce court every time I feed you healthily?

Laughter…

EDWARD: As if you even would…

BELLA: As if I ever can… even if I wanted to.

EDWARD: You must love me then.

BELLA: In my culture we call it witchcraft.

It's not so much that he's never home as much as I want him to be just as much as it's not his father, whom I am convinced adds on more responsibility to just keep him away from me. That I can always conclude to be my paranoia… I'm pregnant I cannot be blamed.

It's just… the quiet gets to me. When I have no choice of words mirrored in my notebook or Edward can't make it home because of yet another late night that Carlisle has masterminded or just when I can't shop for any more shoes that I sit and there's nothing staring back at me but the quiet… that's what gets to me because as happy as I am with Edward and the life we have manufactured, when it's quiet I always wonder what if…

It's quiet now! Edward was supposed to be home a couple of hours ago but he had to finish up some last minute work that his father gave him… no really?

Wonder what he'll do when he finds out Edward's been looking for something else.

We talked about it and this is not what he wants to do. He's still not sure but he'll wait it out till the baby is born and when he has enough money saved up then we'll go our own way. I like this plan… I like any plan that says I don't have to put up with Carlisle's aversions to me anymore than I have already.

I don't like the quiet because I always wonder and I don't want to wonder especially not tonight. I try and call Edward but it's going straight to voicemail. I can't exactly call Alice these days she's off to college… there for me still but she's got her own things to deal with and I don't want to impose.

Chanel's living with her boyfriend and we don't talk that much after work as is the case with Leeland.

You see I am wondering. Thinking about Leeland always makes me think about…

No not tonight. I am not giving in tonight. I pick up my notebook and lose myself in my book for an hour or so.

I am trying not to wait up for Edward but I keep falling into the quiet… maybe I should try and watch a movie. I didn't finish HOSTEL the other night… resume play.

It does the trick again, I have fallen asleep in the sofa in less than ten minutes.

Edwars is home an hour later. He wakes me up by kissing my forehead, I am so happy to see him I fling my arms around him. My husband's got such amazing decency… he's even brought my ribs.

BELLA: You brought the ribs.

EDWARD: Yes I found a spur open at Bedford and I had to pay an extra $200 just so they can reopen the kitchen.

BELLA: Wow… I suppose you want you want your gold medal now.

EDWARD: No gold medal just your forgiveness.

We share a kiss.

BELLA: You're forgiven.

I wake up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in my stomach. Shit! This is the third time in a row now, this can't be good. I climb out of bed, being careful not to wake Edward and stumble onto the bathroom. I kept the painkillers in front of the counter so reaching for them is easy.

I swallow; lie down in the cold floor just trying to live through the pain. I hold my pelvic area, squirming, tossing and turning and still making sure not to wake Edward. It's not wise not to involve him but if something is wrong then I don't want him to know. So I think I'll just lay there and wait for it to subside.

I am not better in the morning but I get up and try to keep things as normal as possible despite the heavy abdominal pain that's attacking me. I make some coffee for Edward and feel relief when he says;

EDWARD: I'll get breakfast on my way to work.

He gives both me and the baby a kiss but Edward has always been able to see more than I give him credit for.

EDWARD: Are you aright you seem a bit flushed?

BELLA: No I am fine just a little tired I guess.

EDWARD: Get some rest ok. I'll come back later this morning to see how you are doing

BELLA: Ok!

I curl up between the sheets… take more painkillers and still nothing is ready to yield. Just this heavy, abdominal pain that is strong enough to slip me in and out of consciousness and no matter how hard I scream or how hard I cry it's proving to be bigger than me.

Edward hasn't been gone 15minutes when I call him.

EDWARD: Hey miss me already?

BELLA: Edward something is wrong.

EDWARD: What?

BELLA: With the baby Edward… something is wrong with the baby.

EDWARD: What do you mean something is wrong with the baby?

BELLA: Something is wrong Edward… something is wrong.

~*~

The truth of the matter is this; I don't know how to tell him this. I don't know how to tell him that I'm losing a baby… his baby; the one he's wanted more than anything since he knew it was coming. He's wanted this baby, loved it so much that he sacrificed and compromised himself, forced himself to find a middle ground with a man he didn't want to be around simply because he wanted this baby. He wanted to be the father to our baby that his father never was to him. So how do I tell him? How do I tell him that I think I'm losing the baby… his reason?

DOCTOR: Your wife is having a miscarriage Mr. Cullen.

The doctor gives Edward the bad news as I put my clothes back after my exam.

EDWARD: A miscarriage? My Bells? Are you sure?

DOCTOR: I just gave her a pelvic exam and also performed an ultra sound to confirm… your baby has no heartbeat.

It hit Edward; pushed him slowly into his chair.

EDWARD: So no baby.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry.

He let a minute or two pass, wrapping his head around the tragedy that is unfolding. He wasn't prepared for this.

EDWARD: Wow! I wasn't prepared for this… thought you'd say she got a stomachache, give her some medicine and go home but instead you're telling me we've lost our baby

Another long pause…

EDWARD: Where's Bella?

DOCTOR: She's changing back in the exam room.

EDWARD: I can see her?

DOCTOR: Think she'll appreciate you being there.

I can't look at him. I won't look at him because then I'll be forced to see it and I could never allow myself to live with it, the disappointment he feels because of me. The blame… Lord knows I can't live with the blame.

All the way home I look away from him and look out the window not because I am enjoying the scenery, it's simply because I just can't stand the disappointment. He hasn't said anything but I know what he's thinking and I can live with anything… seriously…even Jacob being gone… I can live with that…

I am living with that but I can never live with Edward's blame… I can never forgive myself.

My body is weak and my knees are shaking plus the violent ache inside my chest is pressing me so hard I can't stand anymore or even sit for that matter. I gently tuck myself in while blatantly ignoring Edward who is right behind me all the time, turn my back on him.

There's no movement for a while but I know he is just staring at me; his eyes are practically drilling through my spine. He finally gets himself to say something. He doesn't know what to do.

EDWARD: Do you need something before I get back to work?

You're going back to work. You leave me alone in a time like this? It's starting already.

BELLA: No I am fine.

EDWARD: Are you sure?

Of course I am not fine. You should know that. But instead you're going back to your father when I need you here more than ever.

BELLA: Yes I am just a bit tired from all those tests. I think I'll just sleep.

I hear nothing for a few moments but not so much as turn around, I feel his presence there. I hold back my tears until I hear the door shut then curl up crying finally grieving the life I have just lost. All along I don't know Edward never left, he sat by the door listening to the sounds of my tears and grieving the loss of a child he was so prepared to welcome too.


	27. The Zero Affect

_**Chapter 27:**_ The zero effect

Edward settles on leaving the office late that evening not because Carlisle gave him some extra work but because lately it puts off being home a little longer. He does make a phone call to Bella but she was never going to pick up as soon as the caller ID picked up Edward's number.

He is as good at avoiding her as she is avoiding him and that's why he opts to leave a message.

EDWARD: Bella it's me, looks like I'm going to be home a little late. Carlisle and I have to go over some reports that we just got this afternoon so I should be a while. You don't have to wait up, I know you must be feeling tired so I'll see you in the morning. I love you.

He's lying. For the first time since they met he's lying but she'll overlook it tonight just glad she doesn't have to pretend.

He never made it home…as a matter of fact it was left to his beautiful, young, blonde assistant Victoria the following morning to wake him from his sleep.

VICTORIA: Edward…

Her voice is careful and soft just as the look of this effortless beauty, the perfect care for a young man who's bleeding.

EDWARD: Yes?

It always takes him a couple of minutes to recover his setting. He looks around taking in his laptop, the beautiful oak desk and then… then Victoria in her flawless glory and just like that he knows.

EDWARD: Did I actually fall asleep here?

VICTORIA: Yes you did. I am guessing you spent the night?

EDWARD: Yes had some work to finish off before the meeting this morning.

VICTORIA: Relax you still have time. The meeting is only in an hour. I actually came in an hour ago, saw you there and thought I just let you sleep there.

EDWARD: You got all the notes?

VICTORIA: Everything is ready for the meeting. Have I ever failed you?

EDWARD: No!

They look at each other in a while.

VICTORIA: I suppose the only thing to do is go home and get ready.

EDWARD: Yes!

Yes! Except going home is not so simple anymore but he's not ready to show anyone that it's all beginning to crumble.

He gets up.

EDWARD: Suppose I have to go before I hit traffic.

VICTORIA: Just go through Rosebank, it may be longer but it doesn't have any hustles.

EDWARD: Where do you live Victoria?

VICTORIA: In Benoni, why?

EDWARD: Just curious I guess. Is that why you know so much about the traffic here cos you live 45 minutes away?

VICTORIA: Fine don't take my word for it then I'll just have to sit and rank up excuses as to why you're so late for that oh so important Sullivan meeting.

EDWARD: Rosebank it is…

Edward's managed a smile by the time he leaves but its only temporary as reality awaits for him only moments away.

I've tortured myself with memories all night, barely getting an ounce of sleep thinking about the life that needed me, that dependent on me and a life that trusted me.

It's amazing isn't it? I have been there for everyone, for all my friends through all their hardships, had always dropped everything just to say the right words at the right time but the one life that needed me more than anyone ever did I couldn't carry.

I am happy the days finally here, night was becoming unbearable to tackle. I showered early and got ready for my morning meeting with my publicist so I have an hour to spare before it's reasonable to leave the house. This house that's filled with memories, with hopes and dreams.

I make myself a cup of coffee, stand by the kitchen window looking out the peaceful green scenery of the vast backyard.

Edward had wanted a place with a swimming pool but ruled it out when he discovered I didn't swim and also lacked the eagerness to learn. It came up again a few times after we moved here and we had that entire yard to work with. I opted for some swings instead of a pool (call me old fashioned but I think let's leave the swimming to the fish, I mean that's their world after all). Yet he still had to promise to teach me and then it didn't seem like such a crazy idea. He was going to teach both me and the baby… romantic hey? The baby I've lost, the baby he's lost because I wasn't capable, because I wasn't careful or competent, the baby I have lost because I am a failure.

This is so typical of me, to fail where I should give my all, to not finish the important things that I start.

Didn't I pull out of university in the middle of my BA degree or what about that music career I wanted so much but couldn't quite get off the ground? I know it's not quite as massive in the scale of realities as losing a baby but still. This baby's father wanted to stick around even though his didn't.

A baby who offered me a chance to move on after my life had stood still for months because I loved a man who didn't… no who just COULDN'T love me.

I probably deserve this; yes I deserve all this pain and the agony of the loss because I've betrayed Edward. I've betrayed Edward with my love for Jacob.

As long as I've known Edward, even when Jacob moved across the seas, my heart stayed stubbornly faithful to him. I just couldn't shake him no matter how hard I tried. I deserve this. I deserve this loss because all this time I didn't appreciate how lucky I am to have such patience and such blessings.

I deserve to be hurt because I've hurt Edward. I know why I'm being punished and if I were Edward I'd blame me too. This is my fault.

I have made a mess of everything. I hear the front door open, quickly wipe away my tears. Shit! I didn't even realize I was crying. It can only be Edward.

I start packing away my things expecting him to come into the kitchen at any moment. I am folding my laptop into my bag when he does. He stops by the door to look at me. I don't want to say anything but I know he's no fool, he is part of this marriage too, he knows we're grieving separately.

EDWARD: You going out?

BELLA: Yes I got a meeting with my publicist this morning I told you.

I still won't look at him. I can't afford to live with the blame if I see it… I couldn't see it.

EDWARD: Are you sure that's a great idea?

BELLA: Yes I took my meds as I was told, it's ok.

I finish packing my bag. This is the most we've said to each other since it happened and each word burns. I know it's not his intention but it burns because they are so careful and so nice and I want him to be angry with me to justify the feeling inside me but instead he understands. That burns!

BELLA: Charlotte's going back to the UK tomorrow, I can't miss her.

Now comes the difficult part, I have to walk passed him to find my way out. This feels like an episode of "Prison Break". No wonder Michael hasn't figured out a way out of Sonar, the guards are tough. Although Michael would be advised to thoroughly consider a different approach; I'm just going to walk passes him.

BELLA: See you later.

He lets me go and when I step outside without hearing those footsteps I take a deep breath but not out of relief… I am starting to get worried.

CHARLOTTE: Are you sure it's alright for you to be out already?

BELLA: Charlotte I had a miscarriage not a stroke and please tell me you don't wanna spend your last couple of hours here stressing over the personal life of one of your clients.

CHARLOTTE: ok I get it; you don't wanna talk about it. So how is the book coming along?

BELLA: You decide I just bought chapters 12-16…

She says handing the skinny brunette with a thick English ascent and wide brown eyes that make her look kinda "awkwardish"

CHARLOTTE: Ok I'll give it a read on the plane and then get back to you.

BELLA: Oh please don't do me any special favors.

My morning with Charlotte is over sooner than I'm prepared for. I don't want to go back home but I don't know what to do with myself either.

He is supposed to be working but Edward is wondering. I bet you a million rand… or maybe just make it a little less… something like $50… ok I bet you $50 that he too will soon hate the quiet as much as I do. He is thinking back to the night he proposed to me.

We had just finished making love and after listening to the baby's heart beat for a couple of minutes (which is silly I know because I'm not even showing at this time but it's a sweet kinda silly), he proposed. So random but that's what I loved about it.

EDWARD: Hey, you should marry me.

It was the quick way he lifted his head to look up at me that made me aware that I was already saying yes.

BELLA: I should? Why?

EDWARD: You asking me to sell myself? What am I, a car commercial?

BELLA: (Breaks out in laughter, pulls him closer to her and he obeys) just so you know I am saying yes.

EDWARD: Good.

BELLA: But you should still tell me why?

EDWARD: Aright! You should marry me because I am tall, good-looking…

BELLA: You are? Haven't noticed that before.

EDWARD: Stop it! You're ruining my proposal speech.

BELLA: Sorry.

EDWARD: Ok where was I?

BELLA: The good looking bit.

EDWARD: Yes the good-looking bit. Marry me because I am good-looking…

BELLA: (Laughter again)

EDWARD: and I make you laugh.

BELLA: Yes you do, all the time.

EDWARD: because I want children who look exactly like you. (Running his fingers through her hair) but mostly marry me because I could never go back to living without you.

BELLA: Never say never Edward.

EDWARD: Ok, I would never jump off a building and survive.

BELLA: Never say never Edward.

EDWARD: If that building was burning up I'd never leave you behind.

BELLA: Never say never.

EDWARD: I'd probably never live to see a hundred years old.

BELLA: Never say never Edward.

EDWARD: I can never fight a hundred men and win.

BELLA: Never say never

EDWARD: I will never stop loving you.

BELLA: Now that I can work with.

There's a long pause.

EDWARD: So is it still a yes? Even though I don't come with air con.

BELLA: Yes!

We seal it with a kiss.

EDWARD I love you both so much.

Yes he's thinking; 'I promise I'd never leave her and she didn't believe me and now I know why… I did leave her'

VICTORIA: Edward!

It's important to know as of now that Victoria is stepping in to save Edward from the quiet is to become a regular feature just as I am sure you have seen she will become a regular feature in our marriage but even I underestimate her objectives.

VICTORIA: I am done with the notes you wanted.

At first he just let the moment pass, choosing to stay in the bliss that he and I knew only a year ago. But another feature of Victoria's- that is imperative you get accustomed to is her resolve.

VICTORIA: Edward?

EDWARD: Did you email them to me?

VICTORIA: Yes they should be in your inbox already.

EDWARD: Thanks Victoria. (Pause)

VICTORIA: We're all packing up to leave, you're gonna be going too?

EDWARD: Yes any minute now.

VICTORIA: Edward are you Ok?

EDWARD: Yes I'm fine. You have a partner Victoria?

VICTORIA: No I don't believe I've been that lucky.

EDWARD: So nobody will mind if I take you out to dinner then?

It's only because he is putting off going home that he sits at this Chinese restaurant across Victoria- just as a getaway.

VICTORIA: You don't seem quite yourself lately, is everything ok?

EDWARD: Everything's fine. I guess I just feel a little over worked. So how come?

VICTORIA: How come what?

EDWARD: How come there's nobody home waiting for you?

VICTORIA: There was for a while, 2 years to be exact but we have since moved on.

EDWARD: What was his name?

VICTORIA: James. We dated for a year and 6 months before we decided to move in together and once we did there was just too many things we didn't have in common anymore so we just decided it wasn't worth the struggle.

NICK: But how do you know it wasn't…worth the struggle that is?

He is no longer referring to Victoria but his own relationship with Bella.

VICTORIA: We just knew. We just woke up one day and realized that we were two different human beings and we had nothing in common. We had different interests, different friends…

'No' Edward thinks 'what me and Bella are going through is different. We still are the same people we are just drifting instead and I don't know how to get her back when I am still so…'

Edward stops himself from thinking it. It must be the thousand times since it happened that he's had to push that thought to the back of his head. He didn't want to admit it but it was always lingering there, threatening to ruin his marriage. But in times like these when his mind wonders into the quiet he's not afraid to reach those dark emotions of his being and feel the anger… yes the anger he feels towards Bella for allowing this to happen.

Yes he is horrible for being against her right now. He knows in all logic and reason that she didn't set out to lose their baby, which is why he is so angry at himself for being so angry. How he can't let go even though he knows how much he could destroy them, how it's already begun and how he's done nothing to fix them.

Because he is angry at Bella for not carrying their baby to term but mostly at himself for not understanding that it isn't her fault.

She was surprisingly up when he came home. It is just a couple of minutes after midnight and he has put off coming home as long as possible.

After taking a walk with Victoria around Bedfordview, he drove her home. She had invited him into her flat, which is small according to Edward's new standards but it provided the safe haven he needed for those hours. They worked on some last minute alterations to his notes and when he started to feel guilty for keeping her up so late he settled on leaving.

But he has taken this night for granted because he is in love with Bella. Victoria relished his presence as long as he allowed because he is the man that she is in love with.

There is no avoiding tonight. There she sits in the lounge working on her notebook.

Figures! Has she done anything but work since this happened? He can't blame her for that because he knows he is guilty of it too.

EDWARD: Still up?

BELLA: Yes just need to put some final changes into this chapter before I go to bed. (Pause) were you held up at the office?

EDWARD: Actually just hung out with a few friends at a bar in Benoni.

BELLA: Emmett didn't know where you were then. He came by earlier looking for you.

EDWARD: No these were some people from work that I went out with.

Edward doesn't know why it's necessary for him to lie about Victoria but he just did and there's no turning back.

BELLA: Did you enjoy yourself?

EDWARD: Not really. The evening winded up being about work anyway. (Clearing his throat) How's the book going?

BELLA: It's fine

EDWARD: Charlotte loved it?

BELLA: She's not complaining.

Edward watches in disappointment as Bella starts to pack up. She is getting ready to run away. It reminds him of his anger. If he can be here, trying to make amends even if this isn't his fault then what right does she have running away? He is not in the mood to pretend as if he's ok letting her go.

She was going to walk passed him but Edward had other ideas.

He grabs her; she can't keep from flinching inside. She knew this day was coming and yet she still had no idea how to cope with it, how to explain herself. She tries to bargain an extension.

BELLA: Edward!

EDWARD: How long are we going to put this off?

BELLA: We're not putting anything off … we're just….

EDWARD: Trying to pretend like everything is normal and we didn't lose a baby?

BELLA I can't do this right now Edward.

He doesn't want to let her go just yet. Edward wants to face his demons and he is determined to face them right now.

EDWARD: When is it appropriate for you then? When can you pencil me in to talk about our child?

BELLA: It will never be…

EDWARD: So what? I can't heal?

BELLA: We don't have to talk about it for you to heal.

EDWARD: I see we don't have to talk to each other as well.

BELLA: and say what Edward? Or have you say what to me? About what I've done or what I didn't do to keep our baby alive?

EDWARD: I don't blame you Bella!

BELLA: Why are you lying to me? You promised you never would. I see it in your eyes every time I run into you. It's there!

EDWARD: What is?

BELLA: The blame, the anger that you feel towards me. How you think there was something that could be done, something I could have done to prevent this from happening.

EDWARD I don't think that.

He lies!

BELLA: Then I don't feel like talking about it either.

EDWARD: So does that mean I never get to talk to you again? Because I don't see how we get to the other stuff without having to go through this. You're my wife and I love you very much but I want to tell you what I'm feeling. I don't know how we can get through this.

BELLA: Maybe we not suppose to, maybe we don't get through this at all.

I hurry upstairs to the bedroom but Edward hurries right after me. He is going to force a result no matter what the cost.

EDWARD: Of course we get through it. We're married and we get through things we don't just run away at the first sight of trouble.

BELLA: Well we lost a baby because of me, how do we get through that?

EDWARD: You didn't lose our baby!

BELLA: So what was it an unfortunate accident?

EDWARD: No…

BELLA: So then, it must mean I lost our baby. I wasn't careful enough right. Maybe I wasn't eating right, maybe if I exercised less…

Edward was never fond of those sit up ups I did…

BELLA: Maybe if I was friendlier to your friends and you hated your father less…

EDWARD: Isabella!

BELLA: Oh, I know, maybe if I didn't beg you for sex the night before remember?

EDWARD: That has nothing to do with that!

BELLA: I wanted it rough remember, I asked you to go deeper with each thrust.

EDWARD: So then, I hurt the baby not you.

BELLA: (Yelling) no I hurt our baby because I am a slut.

EDWARD: No…

It's surprising. I am standing there, bashing myself with these words, being horrible to myself because I think I deserve it and the best that he can do is a 'No'.

BELLA: No what Edward? No, I am not a slut or no, I didn't lose a baby?

'No you are not a slut' Edward thinks 'but you did lose our baby, not because you wanted it deeper but because you were not careful enough.'

I am glad he didn't say anything aloud when I can draw my own conclusion.

Shit! I am starting to cry.

EDWARD: I don't think you lost our baby. It was just unfortunate and there's nothing that you or me could have done to prevent this from happening.

AMELIA: What did I say the night you proposed to me after you said you will never lie to me?

He knows better with me too. We are in trouble and we can't pretend.

EDWARD: Never say never!

BELLA: Never say never! You're lying to me now!

Edward has to summon the courage to be honest, not because I am crying and pleading for it but because it was true.

EDWARD: I know it's unfair of me... I know…. And something keeps telling me there was nothing else that could have been done but still…

BELLA: (Nodding) you know it's funny, I could have never seen anything that could break us. You are the only man who has ever told me he loves me and the only man I've ever believed. It's strange because we are so different. I thought they'd be issues you know, to deal with, you're white I'm black, your father, your money… but nothing like that instead it's this; the one thing I thought we'll make sure we stay together.

EDWARD: I love you Isabella.

BELLA: I love you too but you can't stay here right now.

EDWARD: I know…

He packed light and checked himself into 'The Hilton' only 15 minutes away. He didn't sleep a wink that night. He hated this, hated this run of bad luck we were in, everything that led to the loss of the baby and now this trial separation caused because he can't let go of these terrible feelings he has about blaming me.

He is here because he is unreasonable. He is going to lose the only thing that matters to him because he doesn't know how to let go of the blame.

~*~

**REVIEW ;)**


	28. Boy's Night Out

_**Chapter 28:**_ Boys night out.

EMMETT: A trial separation?

Emmett poses the question to Edward who has joined him for breakfast at his house that morning.

EDWARD: Ye we're gonna step back for a while, just to have a look at what we have and how we can save it. This miscarriage has really set us back and our marriage was finally getting to the point where we actually had a real shot you know, like she was finally there where I've struggled to get her to be since we met.

EMMETT: You mean Jacob.

Edward doesn't say anything in words. Yes, Jacob was a problem for a very long time and now he still thinks he is at some level. But he also thinks he has to be secured enough in his marriage to trust they can survive this period.

EDWARD: There was a time when I felt I was still fighting him but I have to trust the life Bells and I have created for us.

EMMETT: That makes sense.

EDWARD: So you still talk to him?

EMMETT: Not in a couple of weeks now. The last I heard he was in Amsterdam, setting up a broadband company.

EDWARD: Sounds like the perfect job for him, he's never been keen on settling. Is he married yet?

EMMETT: He was seeing someone and he was serious about her.

'Why do I care' Edward thinks. 'Jacob is none of my business, Isabella is and that is the only relationship I need to worry about saving. But Jacob being away and serious about someone else has afforded me my first chance to be complacent about his marriage.

EDWARD I've already tried to call her a couple of times today and she doesn't seem very keen on talking to me.

EMMETT: Just give her some time, give yourself some time, isn't that the whole point?

EDWARD: I guess so.

EMMETT: We're all going out tonight, me, Jasper, Kieran and now you. It will be great.

EDWARD: Yes it's like a get together for all relationship has been's. You & Rosalie, Jasper & Alice, Kieran & Terry- Ann…

EMMETT: Those two are still together so they don't count.

EDWARD: After what, 6 years? Now that's boring.

They all meet up at Newscafe at Bedford to get wasted and share in their mystery. What an adult thing to do for young men who neither one are a day over 30.

See the thing is; they have adult love lives don't they?

We all know my story, the story of Isabella and Edward and its current down but it's imperative that we get acquainted with all stories and maybe just get reacquainted with some.

Jasper is a great man, attractive. Don't be impatient; I am getting to the point.

When a man who has so much going for him is single, you have to wonder why. Is it the injustice in the world? I've come to notice… Alice included that woman aren't really interested in men that are right for them. Jasper was right for Alice, not because of his perfect brown hair or his shy smile. Jasper would have been perfect because he would pay attention because he loved her more, would have valued her more.

You know when people say… or in this case when Jasper says; 'if I had Alice I would treat her like a queen' it's hard not believe him. He would have been perfect for her because he would have looked at those beautiful green eyes and felt unworthy of her and then brought out his best side, constantly stayed on his toes to prove to everyone but mostly to himself that he is worthy of this miracle.

The miracle that is Alice. He would have bought the beautiful gifts, said the beautiful words, kept himself up because he would have known he was the lucky one.

But Alice could never recognize the value in him so she stayed with Guliano despite everything he's done. I guess it's nice to have something to complain about.

If she had picked the right guy a.k.a Jasper then there wouldn't be no sleepless nights wondering where he was because he would have come home to her every night. There would be no whining about missed phone calls or unanswered sms's because he would have relished every opportunity to talk to her.

However, Alice went were the drama lives, where there reside, where's there is strife, conflict and everything else synonym. So no, I don't think women are interested in men who are right for them.

Take Emmett and Rosalie who seemingly had everything going for them. Young, ambitious and successful; for a while they seem to be the embodiment of how a couple should operate. Even the long distance didn't seem to be a problem, Kieran made his way to Cape Town every month and stayed over as long as his finances allowed. They didn't seem to be weltering all this time. At least that's what Emmett thought until that difficult conversation they had the last time he went down there.

She was tired; is that the word she used? Yes it was. He remembers because he offered to give her a foot rub. Silly of him to take her so literally, when what she meant was she was tired of him being so far away everyday and mostly at their attempts to keep at it, to work at it, to make it seem effortless when they knew nothing was simple about long distance relationships.

It seems he was the only one who was convinced they had things under control. Despite how happy and relaxed she seemed whenever he was around, he always thought she would tell her once her beliefs started to change.

In a way she did even if it meant at the end, he was taken by surprise. He always thought they were that couple; the one that people always looked at when they pass, looking at them laugh, wishing that they had the same thing. His friends always asked how they still could be together after all this time despite the trouble of distance. He was so proud of what they had. He feels like a fool now, it seems he was the only one.

A point for the argument that women aren't interested in men who are good for them.

Emmett was prepared to be patient, to wait and work at it. How many men are actually committed to work at it instead of falling for the first blonde girl they run into News Café?

In fact Emmett was so faithful even now as he is back in the single market he hasn't seen one girl who can actually live up to his precious Rosalie.

Kieran's been lucky. He is one of those men, in one of those relationships, where going out is alright because well the girlfriend lets him and even more impressively he has only a couple of beers then drives home. I have absolutely nothing to say about happy people and their relationships.

My man sits at this café because he is trying to forget that we lost our first attempt at a family. He drinks to kill the blame he is brought to our marriage and the strain he's taking because I can't let myself off the hook. He feels like he needs tonight more than any of his peers and by the end of the night he will make sure he's had more pampering than any of them.

But when the end was roaring near and he had lost his friends to either one night stands or family obligations- in the case of Kieran- he was too drunk to drive home but unlike in the beginning where he would have called me to pick him up he opted for Benoni… driving to Benoni that is… to see Victoria and stay over at Victoria's.

Yes lately she is the one he would rather go to, oh how things have changed, I remember when this was me.

She's made him breakfast. I haven't had a chance to do that in a while simply because he hasn't been home in a while.

VICTORIA: I wasn't sure what to make you without you throwing it up.

EDWARD: No, its fine if I can drive all the way to Benoni after 6 shots and 4 glasses of beer then I think my stomach can handle the buttered toast.

Victoria thinks Edward is a pleasant person but she doesn't know she catches him just when life is beginning to wear him down. He is still humorous, charming and witty because well… that's who he is but he is walking around in pain that every light moment feels like a betrayal to his child and me. But of course that just inside. Victoria doesn't know the difference like I do… she can't tell she's settling for less of a man.

EDWARD: I am sorry about coming over uninvited in the middle of the night.

VICTORIA: It's all right.

EDWARD: It's just that I can't be home right now. (Pause) Bella and I have run into some trouble and I moved out.

VICTORIA: What? When?

It's the way she dropped everything to listen to him. She's saying; you're having problems with her? I'll offer you a better deal, I'll listen. I think the devil works in the same way.

VICTORIA: What happened?

He takes the bait!

EDWARD: Bella miscarried.

VICTORIA: Oh my God Edward, I didn't know.

EDWARD: How could you, I didn't tell you.

VICTORIA: It would explain why you've been putting on so many hours at work lately. I'm sorry.

EDWARD: Yes me too.

He stays faithful to me. He still thinks of the miscarriage as something that's between him and me. I honor him for that and I will be eternally grateful.

EDWARD: Did you manage to get me a meeting with Diane Hampton?

And as much as she wants him for herself, as much as she wants to put her arms around him, she has to wait a little longer for his wishes to come through. She backs off.

VICTORIA: Yes she's out of town until Thursday at which she'll be back in the afternoon.

EDWARD: But I can't wait that long. I have to have a report ready for Carlisle Friday morning.

VICTORIA: Relax would you? She isn't going to take any minutes till Friday so because I knew how important this was for you I got her to see you Wednesday morning.

EDWARD: Wednesday morning? Thought you said she's out of town.

VICTORIA: She is, that's why you're going to fly to Cape Town to meet her.

Edward's silence made Victoria a little insecure but he was actually impressed.

EDWARD: You coming?

VICTORIA: No, I have to work and besides I got you a single ticket.

EDWARD: I don't like traveling alone and if you came that would be working.

She doesn't have to say it but they know they are on.

~*~

**A/N: Bad Edward, wonder what will happen next?**


	29. A change of scenery

_**Chapter 29:**_ A change of scenery

He's flown out to Cape Town and I'm thinking about him. The last time we made love, the night before I lost our baby.

Edward has always been excellent in his performances and that night wasn't any different. We opted for the missionary position not because of it's intimacy we were after but he had just read the night before that it's the safest positions for pregnant couples.

We wanted each other seriously, so there was nothing careful about the pace or the intensity. I wanted him deeper inside me so I kept tugging at him. He has no problem living up until I changed positions. I want him to take me from behind but he's too careful about the baby.

EDWARD: Not tonight ok.

BELLA: Why not?

EDWARD: Tonight I want to see you. (Gently touching her face)

BELLA: You've been running that line on me for weeks now, what's going on?

EDWARD: Nothing I just… I just want to see your beautiful face, remember just how lucky I am to have you.

BELLA: I am not beautiful.

EDWARD: Of course you are, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known.

BELLA: This is about the baby isn't it? You think our wild sex will harm it.

EDWARD: And this is your idea of changing the subject simply because you don't believe what you really are.

BELLA: Edward be truthful with me.

EDWARD: (pause) ok this is about the baby. I am just worried; I don't want to do anything that will harm it.

BELLA: It's just sex Edward.

EDWARD: With you and me, it's never just sex Isabella!

BELLA: I know and its part of the reasons why I am so satisfied with you and now you're practically telling me that we can't do it like that for nine months and even more after the baby is born.

EDWARD: That won't happen.

BELLA: Edward if you feel guilty about talking dirty to me now while it's still inside what about when it's born? Would slut and bitch be appropriate then?

Edward immediately covers my mouth with his hand then we break out in laughter.

EDWARD: Shhh…

BELLA: See what I mean?

EDWARD: It's just weird that's all. I am not saying that I do not miss it…

BELLA: So then let's do it…

It's my turn to be manipulative and seductive. I start by combing my fingers through his silky black hair while taking in his handsome face.

How did I manage this? After everything I put him through with my love for Jacob, how could he still be here? This man who can have any woman he wants, how could he still love me? Just ordinary me!

BELLA: Even if it's just the last time in say… 2 years…

EDWARD: (Laughing)

BELLA: I want to know this baby can't change us, that we'll still find a way to be ourselves even when we're parents.

EDWARD: Of course we will be.

BELLA: Show me!

EDWARD: Okay.

He starts by pulling my hands up, trapping them above my head with his own but what is enough to draw interest from me is the way he roughly pulled my legs apart, forcing them deep inside me and with the first thrust, he gets a moan out of me. I try to close my eyes but, Edward… I have to honor him by keeping my eyes.

EDWARD: No!

He grabs her harder.

EDWARD: Keep your eyes at me at all times you understand?

BELLA: Yes!

EDWARD Yes who?

BELLA Yes sir!

And it was just a fabulous night ruled by passion and love and oh I miss it dearly now.

I give him a call for the first time since he moved out but get agitated when it sends me to voicemail. I am not interested in talking to an answering service. I finally understand why when I was working at reception; all those people went insanely rude whenever they were put through to voicemail.

Realizing that I can't exactly write them an apology letter for how I never understood I decide to let it go with the admission. I would have loved to talk to my husband.

He's already in Cape Town. Victoria took care of all details, both minor and major so all they had to do really was walk into perfection. This of course this also meant they had time for dinner before tomorrow's meeting- that though was Victoria's doing. She penned this down perfectly. She'd make sure they got there early and she was sure with the correct outfit she could get him to agree to this… to them. It's not so much for the reason she wished, she knew she was playing on his pain but still it was better than nothing.

And the dinner was going great or at least she thought they were doing well until he started going through his pockets.

VICTORIA: What are you looking for?

EDWARD: My cell phone. Think I must have left it in my hotel room.

'What if Bella calls?'

VICTORIA: it's ok you can get it later.

'Yes but what if Bella calls? Is that panic?'

EDWARD: You're right I should just relax.

VICTORIA: Of course, I mean what did you do before you had it?

'I don't know, I've had a cell phone all this time I was with Bella. In fact, I don't know what it is I did before I met her. What if she calls with something impossible, as she wants me to come back home, will she still want to even if I don't pick up? I didn't even tell her I was going away.'

VICTORIA: This whole place is so stiff. (She looks around)

'I should go.'

VICTORIA: You want to try that spot we saw around the corner.

EDWARD: Actually, I was just thinking about getting back to my room. It's late and I have a big meeting ahead of me.

VICTORIA: its only 8:30 we can just go to the club.

EDWARD: You go…

'I am going to go check my phone. Maybe she's tried to get a hold of me and maybe she hasn't I know but I can't take that chance.'

VICTORIA: Are you sure? I could just…

EDWARD: No, you go have fun. I just wouldn't be good company tonight. Not while my cell phone is all the way, up there and…

VICTORIA: And you're down here…

It stung her to admit that he still had faith in his marriage but still as much as she knows she is up against it, she loves Edward too much to stay away.

EDWARD: See you tomorrow ok.

It wasn't her disappointment that he had to care to when he finally did get back to his hotel room and saw there were three missed calls from Bella.

EDWARD: Shit!

He doesn't even wrestle with it, he immediately dials back and doesn't even get apprehensive when it rings longer than she normally allows. In his opinion, they are on their way back and this call start to set everything back on the right track.

She sounds shaky when she eventually picks up.

BELLA: Hello!

EDWARD: Hey! You are there.

BELLA: Sorry I was just in the bathroom for a quick shower.

EDWARD: it's ok I haven't been waiting long. I am sorry I just got your messages. I was downstairs in the lobby having dinner.

BELLA: In the lobby? You're staying at a hotel?

EDWARD: No, I mean yes.

BELLA: (Laughing) which one is it then?

EDWARD: I am staying in a hotel, the Hilton in Sandton but I am not there right now. I had to rush to Cape Town to meet someone tomorrow.

BELLA: You're in Cape Town?

And you didn't tell me?

EDWARD: Yes I'll be back tomorrow lunch time. I figured there was no need to tell you because I didn't expect us to talk within that time frame you know.

BELLA: Yes we're that bad!

Yes we are!

BELLA: I didn't need anything earlier... you know when I called you. I don't know what got over me.

EDWARD: Whatever it is say it's great, it doesn't mean something's evil's come over you if you call your husband.

BELLA: I know but...

EDWARD: But nothing, this is such a wonderful effort on your part it makes me feel we're on the right road you know

BELLA: Edward I don't want you to misunderstand anything.

EDWARD: What's there to misunderstand? You're finally ready to talk, you're finally ready to fix us, and you're finally ready to welcome me back home.

BELLA: Edward!

EDWARD: Cos I want that more than anything you know.

BELLA: How? Aren't you angry with me anymore?

EDWARD: I realize that we both have stuff to sort through but the point is that we do it together...married and that's all that matters Bells. And you're right we got a better chance at it if I move back in.

BELLA: And then we'll be fine?

EDWARD: We'd be fighting for it. Bells we can't say this marriage is important to the two of us and then think that the magic to save it will weave itself from a hundred miles away.

BELLA: But that was never the point Edward. That was never the point for you moving out.

EDWARD: Then remind me because I don't understand anymore. I don't understand why I have to be so far away from my wife every night and yet convince myself that it's for the good of my marriage. I want to come home Bella and I want to come home today.

BELLA: You can't.

Lately it amazes me how simple it is for me and Edward to go from longing to anguish, we were doing so well until we discovered we both still want different things.

EDWARD: Why not?

BELLA: Because unlike you I want to save what we have...

EDWARD: How Bells if we don't even live together?

BELLA: because I want to take a step back to take a good look at saving what we have and if you're there...

EDWARD: ... then you see the guy who reminds you of the child that you lost?

BELLA: That's not fair!

EDWARD: None of this is but why are we taking it out on each other when we should be sticking together. I love you Bella and I don't want to try this without you.

BELLA: I love you too.

EDWARD: So let me move back in. I'll be home this afternoon, I'll take the afternoon off, and we can start on building our future again.

BELLA: What? If Carlisle allows you to?

EDWARD: Now who's not being fair?

BELLA: The truth usually is isn't it? You want to work at this marriage but repeatedly you let your father come before me and he knows he can because you let him.

EDWARD: But that's not true, I don't even like my father.

BELLA: Yes and that's why even that morning of the miscarriage you had to go be at work and left me there to deal with this on my own.

EDWARD: You wanted me to leave you alone.

BELLA: How Edward? Why would I want that? You're my husband and I had just miscarried why do I want you to be at work?

EDWARD: Ok so I wasn't there for you...

BELLA: You weren't...

EDWARD: But own up to your parts too will you? This isn't just about the miscarriage. Yes, it prompted everything in this direction but you have been angry with me for a very long time and that's why you're bringing Carlisle up like this.

BELLA: What are you saying?

EDWARD: That the miscarriage alone isn't enough... that you have been gradually building this anger because of my father, that you have known for a while that you wanted me out but you couldn't because of the baby.

BELLA: Don't be paranoid.

EDWARD: Well it's either that or that other thing.

BELLA: What other thing?

Jacob! He means Jacob.

EDWARD: (with hesitation) Let me put it this way; I don't think this is enough to break us; we've survived a lot worse as far as can see and I want to come home.

BELLA: I am not ready.

I can feel the agony in his voice. The desperate attempt to get back home is slowing in its tracks. His silent admission; at least he knew how to fight Jacob because he was right there but how does he fight this... whatever this is when he can't see it.

EDWARD: Will you ever be?

Will I? Will I ever know how to forgive myself for this... for everything; for Jacob, the baby, for Carlisle, will I ever know how to deserve Edward again?

BELLA: I want to be everything you deserve.

EDWARD: You are much more than that.

BELLA: The thing is I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel I am enough woman for you...

EDWARD: This is bullshit.

BELLA: I couldn't even carry your child to term.

EDWARD: That was...

BELLA: What was it... an accident?

He doesn't know what to call it because as much as we both hate to admit it there's still so much blame inside him to claim that he is ready to move past this.

EDWARD: I know I can't tell you what you want to hear at the moment but I want to come back home.

BELLA: Why; to torture me with your blame?

I can't hide it anymore. He knows my grief is of his doing and changes the complexion of things. He will own up to his poison because he is willing to try while I would rather stay locked up in punishment as my idea of making this up to him.

EDWARD: I know I'm wrong... I know but I want to try Bells because I can't do this without you.

I can't do it without you! I am working on it! But you have to stay lenient with me please! Let me find my way back to me... my way back to us.

BELLA: I gatta go Edward.

I didn't wait for him to protest and when the phone rang I immediately knew it was him so I ignored it. 15 missed calls in a space of an hour and I am already battling with myself; why am I so horrible to him, no other man has been this eager loving me?

And of course this meant Edward couldn't stay alone and not without trying either but after many failed attempts to get me out of his head he winded up in Victoria's room drinking whisky and talking through his feelings. She's glad to have him... don't get her wrong but in times like these she is vividly aware of the fact that no matter how hard she'll try Edward's heart is stubbornly fixated on his wife.

EDWARD: I am sorry to impose myself on you like this but I just couldn't be alone right now without making another unanswered phone call to Bella.

VICTORIA: You know she won't answer then why do you keep calling.

EDWARD: You don't understand do you?

VICTORIA: What's there to understand? She doesn't want to be with you, she's making this very clear.

EDWARD: It's not so black and white... it never is with me and Bells. We've been through everything together and I am not gonna run simply because one of our plans didn't come true.

VICTORIA: You lost a child Edward, that's not something that it's easy to forget.

EDWARD: I know but this is more than just about that baby. In fact something's she said tonight just made me realize that there more things to deal with than I realize, this miscarriage only scratched the surface. (Taking a deep breath)I don't know what to do

Victoria. I want to fly back now.

VICTORIA: You can't, you have an important meeting in the morning.

Plus she gets to stay with him a little a longer.

EDWARD: I know so I stay which means that she was right. Time and time again when she's needed me I have picked work and this is probably right up there with when I worked that morning of her miscarriage. I mean what kind of husband does that. I picked her up, dropped her off then went to work to finish reports that Carlisle wanted. What kind of husband does that Victoria?

VICTORIA: A husband who's also lost a child and is dealing in his own way. Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself?

She knows as well as he does that his heart should be with Bella because they are married and in love but she wants him too much to play this game clean and be a good girl about it. This for her is a competition and she intends on finishing first.

EDWARD: Do you honestly believe that?

VICTORIA: Come on lets go dancing.

EDWARD: We can't we have a meeting in the morning.

VICTORIA: The meeting is at ten and we're ready now so that means we have a little time to play with.

EDWARD: I don't know Victoria.

VICTORIA: You know something tells me you use to be so much more fun.

EDWARD: Used to be?

He's so gullible.

VICTORIA: Yes before you got so uptight and grave.

EDWARD: Grave?

VICTORIA: I don't know maybe it's being married I don't know but then I guess it would explain why I never did get married. I love being out there, I love my freedom.

EDWARD: I am free.

VICTORIA: So then let's go.

He considers it for a second.

EDWARD: (drawing a deep breath) we're in Cape Town we don't even know what spots are hot over here.

VICTORIA: So we'll find out. Call your friend Emmett if you must but you and me we're having fun tonight.

He agrees especially when he weighs it up against his other option... you know sitting in his hotel taking drink and after drink to help ease his mind of me when everything has to be solemn for tomorrow morning. He picks this. They didn't have to ask Emmett for his take on the town's clubs, they found one which suited them quite finely where they drank, danced and conversed till the early hours of the morning getting to know each other in a different way.

~*~'

**A/N: Something tells me Victoria may be getting her way…..**

**REVIWS make the heart swell. **


	30. Chanel’s expensive outlook

**A/N: What kind of Bella/Edward story would it be if they didn't prevail?**

_Chapter 30_: Chanel's expensive outlook

CHANEL: So he flew you to Cape Town?

She asks Victoria who hasn't stopped raving about the "beauty" of the city since she got back. She had spent only a couple of hours there but she obviously enjoyed it more because of the company she was keeping there.

VICTORIA: It was the best experience of my life, the music, the champagne.

I guess it's surprising to Chanel. Didn't she say they were down there for work?

VICTORIA: We just had some extra time on our hands because we finished our preparations way ahead of time. It was Edward's idea really...

Really?

VICTORIA: Apparently, he and Bella aren't doing so well right now.

CHANEL: Apparently?

VICTORIA: He told me in fact.

CHANEL: Told you what?

Chanel cannot be blamed; she loves a good gossip story just like everyone else.

VICTORIA: They are separated.

CHANEL: They are? No way, Bells would have told me that!

VICTORIA: Maybe she's trying to keep it a secret?

CHANEL: From me, I am her friend. The only one she keeps in contact with anyway.

VICTORIA: Doesn't that on its own make you wonder?

CHANEL: Make me wonder what?

VICTORIA: How come she doesn't have any friends?

CHANEL: She does!

VICTORIA: She has you and you don't even see her that much since she stopped working here. If Bella is as great as you all say she is then why does everyone leave her.

CHANEL: Edward hasn't left her.

VICTORIA: Come on Chanel don't be naive, this is how all marriages end. First, he moves out, then he meets someone else and then it happens...divorce.

CHANEL: No that won't ever happen; Edward is crazy about Bella. He will never do something like that to her.

VICTORIA: You wanna bet.

Chanel recognizes the threat that Victoria wants to turn herself into as far as this marriage is concerned and although both women are her friends she stays loyal to me.

CHANEL: What is wrong with you? Why do you always wind up doing the wrong things?

VICTORIA: What are you talking about?

CHANEL: Edward is crazy about that woman; he ruined his lifelong friendship with Jacob to be with that woman and you're mistaken if you think you can go against that.

VICTORIA: But that was then. Things change Chanel and based on what I saw the past couple of days I think I stand a chance.

CHANEL: Well you know what then you can't be protected from that, if you want to go in diving in head first that's your own business but you are gonna get hurt because this is one fight you cannot win.

VICTORIA: Well we all have our own opinions.

CHANEL: You put me in a difficult situation Victoria. Bella is my friend as well.

VICTORIA: This is an easy one actually. Just stay loyal to the friend who took you in when your man kicked you out, the friend who will have no choice but to tell that same man you screwed his best friend in his bed just to spite him. Stay faithful to the friend who knows who you really are.

And they have been through hell and back together and now they are back to hell again. Because as much as Chanel would love to alert her new friend Bella about the deceitful intentions of her oldest friend Victoria she too has a lot to hide about where she's been and a lot to protect as far as her daughter is concerned. But it's clear to her as of now which one of the two is a true friend.

She saw Jasper at the cafeteria and decided to start working on her friendship with Bella... and as it turns out hers and Jasper's as well.

CHANEL: Jasper wait up...

As it turns out, he is not so pleased about receiving her.

JASPER: What do you want Chanel.

CHANEL: As always, you sound very thrilled to see me.

JASPER: What do you want?

CHANEL: Why are you always so funny lately?

JASPER: Funny?

CHANEL: You know moody and aloof.

JASPER: I don't think I am any of those things.

CHANEL: Well you are I am telling you... ever since Alice left for college you've hardly been pleasant.

JASPER: Alice left more than 2 months ago, what the hell are you talking about?

She was going to answer that but he got on top of it.

JASPER: Never mind; don't answer that just tell me what you want.

CHANEL: What are you doing tonight?

JASPER: I don't know; guess I am hanging out with some friends.

CHANEL: So you don't have anything fixed or nothing like that.

JASPER: Guess not, why?

CHANEL: I want to go see Bella tonight.

It is on this day that Jasper discovered that even Chanel is capable of surprising him.

JASPER: You don't see Bella. You haven't seen Bella in over a month.

CHANEL: I know and I am trying to work on that. I am not like the rest of ya'll you know.

She doesn't live only a few feet away from me.

JASPER: Yes but you never make any effort. I see Bells all the time and I only met her couple of months ago.

CHANEL: Well like in said, I don't exactly live in the same lavish neighborhood that you all do. I live in Benoni, I don't have a car and I don't have a place to live so you need to cut me some slack and tell me if you can take me to her place tonight.

JASPER: So much for asking nicely.

CHANEL: Will you or won't you?

JASPER: I've been meaning to see her for a week now, guess I could go tonight. Have you even spoken to her since Edward moved out?

CHANEL: I didn't even know he moved out, Victoria told me this morning at home.

JASPER: (Drawing a deep breath)

CHANEL: I feel guilty ok but it's not like I can go back. The only way to fix this is by starting all over again and I want to do that tonight.

JASPER: Aright. I'll call and tell her we're coming. She's very depressed right now so be careful what you say.

CHANEL: I know you think many things about me Jasper but I am not insensitive.

JASPER: Whatever!

The conversation was over as far as he thought but Chanel's big mouth still had some running to do.

CHANEL: What about Alice- do you still speak to her?

Alice! That will always be a flame instead of a flicker when it comes to Jasper but it helps when he doesn't have to deal with the mention of her name every once in a while. But everyone... because he made his feelings so obvious... always asked him how he was carrying on now that she was away and his response was never very convincing even though he has had to use it for a while now.

JASPER: No I don't speak to Alice... not at all. But if you do before me, tell her good luck. See I never got to say goodbye.

Even Chanel is defeated with those words and she can clearly see that Jasper is making a very reserved effort to get over Alice; he should be given his opportunity to do so in his own pace and time.

Perhaps it was pity... no not perhaps but definitely... pity is the reason why Chanel has been so patient with Jasper tonight. If this was any other night... yes if this were any other night she would have given him her piece of mind when he had to stop at the garage to fill up on petrol... of course he had logically justified it.

JASPER: Petrol's going up at midnight I wanna fill up before then...

But then came the oil change and the windscreen cleaning which she had to take regular deep breaths to survive without a few words to him.

CHANEL: Really now, he could have done this before he picked me up. (She is thinking)

But she kept her silence as he checked the mileage for the car; filled his tire with air and even when his petrol card had some trouble reading... she waited. Jasper is in a tough spot at the moment, he deserves a break.

He wondered too. He had pushed her limits so many times tonight and she had yet to be the Chanel he has grown to know. Not a word to annoy and gradually drive him out of his senses. He is wondering why she hasn't been her usual loud and selfish self. He was prepared to work this as far as he could until it hit him but unlike her; he made no secret of his thoughts.

JASPER: This is about Alice isn't it?

She wasn't prepared for this.

CHANEL: What?

JASPER: Is that why you've been so patient with me tonight?

CHANEL: Patient with you! What are you talking about?

JASPER: I told you about Alice this afternoon and suddenly you're tiptoeing around me as though I am your four-year-old daughter or something.

CHANEL: I am not tiptoeing; I don't tiptoe.

JASPER: Chanel you've hardly said two words to me since we stopped at this garage half an hour ago. I've had the oil changed, the windscreen

cleaned, are you going to be okay if I go back to my apartment to load my other car as well.

CHANEL: Well if you must...

JASPER: (irritable) Chanel!

CHANEL: (Yelling) well of course you're annoying me JASPER... I mean full service at the garage after eight who does that?

JASPER: Motorists who know the petrol price is going up in a few hours and then decide since they are here they might as well get the whole nine

done.

CHANEL: You mean motorists who do all of this to annoy their passengers.

JASPER: Them too!

CHANEL: (Screaming) you are so annoying!

JASPER: Come on it's not like you've got somewhere to be.

CHANEL: I got a daughter and I know you know nothing about being a family man but...

JASPER: Ok hold it right there... you telling me that I must have a child to know what it's like to love one.

CHANEL: That's generally how it works.

JASPER: Ok but that doesn't explain your boyfriend then.

CHANEL: How does he fit into this conversation?

JASPER: He's out of your life and your daughter life right...

CHANEL: Oh, this isn't the point.

JASPER: So he's the father but he knows nothing about being it. He doesn't love you or his daughter...

CHANEL: Oh, how do you know that?

JASPER: He left. And I know that you want to convince yourself that he does and that you can make it work sometimes...

CHANEL: But I know it won't work!

JASPER: Do you really know that?

Chanel can't decide when and why this conversation became about her personal life but now she is vividly aware that Jasper knows more about her than she had realized before.

CHANEL: Why are we talking about me; why do you know so much about my personal life?

JASPER: Why you thought you were the only one who could gossip?

CHANEL: So everyone knows that my boyfriend and I are broken up.

JASPER: Also, that he kicked you out of your flat and that you're staying with a friend right now.

CHANEL: Damn and here, I was thinking that people were at work to... you know... work.

JASPER: We work for a telephone company, we get bored a lot.

CHANEL: Oh, this is insane.

JASPER: Why?

CHANEL: Why?

JASPER: Why do you mind it so much that everyone knows about this? People talk all the time.

CHANEL: Yes, I know but...

JASPER: Is this because you like everyone to think of you as a tough girl that doesn't take no prisoners.

CHANEL: What?

JASPER: That's how you work around at work... giving the impression that you can take anyone. It's like because you're so small you try and overcompensate by being loud and tough but it's not everyone who is taken in by it.

CHANEL: I suppose you see right through me.

JASPER: I think I am one of the people who do... yes. But I don't get why you must always pretend like this, it just seems like so much work.

CHANEL: Well it works fine for me and you know if it aint broke...

Chanel is very offended by Jasper straight in your face take but she is welcoming of it, it's the most truth she's heard in a very long time. It's brutal but it's the truth.

JASPER: I suppose you're right.

CHANEL: I can't believe I actually felt sorry for you. This afternoon when you told me about Alice, I felt sorry for you.

JASPER: Why cos you thought I locked myself in my room and cried?

CHANEL: I thought you'd at least have some reaction, I mean you did love her.

JASPER: Yes and very much but I can't be sad because she didn't feel the same for me.

CHANEL: So now, who's acting like a tough guy?

JASPER: I just know life goes on and nothing I say or do is going to change the fact that she loves him. Time and time I felt like I was the better man for her, I respected her and valued her while he did everything to fuck up every day and yet he's the one that has her and not me. I get to be the lonely pathetic person that beautiful blonde chick didn't want... well I can't be that guy who plays the fool anymore.

Jasper and Chanel have never looked at each other as introspectively as they do tonight... not minding the fact that they are beginning to know each other better than they have allowed all these months. It's not bad what they see... not at all.

CHANEL: Yes I know what you mean. I mean I always thought I was doing everything right with Adil. I gave him a daughter, worked all day while he stayed at home and still I got screwed. (Pause) You know what the worst part about it is? I still love him... even after everything he's done.

JASPER: That's not your fault... love can be pretty stubborn. I still love Alice even after all this time. And nothing sucks more than loving somebody who doesn't love you.

CHANEL: Yes that sucks.

They found their middle ground... and they know it.

JASPER: You want to go to my place for a couple of drinks.

CHANEL: That sounds great.

They ditched me with a call and I was all too understanding that they knew had they managed to make it to my place they would have been invading my privacy. I am still in mourning and prefer to keep to herself.

This was no child's play, they poured whisky and started with their X rated version of the bold and the beautiful. It wasn't planned but after a couple of raw glasses of brandy they seemed pleasant to each other so they used that to their fullest advantage. They enjoyed every inch of each other's bodies in that sofa and started something that seemed beyond them just a couple of hours ago.

The next morning found them together... they didn't run.

CHANEL: Jasper what are we doing?

JASPER: I can tell you what we did.

He says planting a kiss in her mouth.

CHANEL: This is romantic and everything but we're not thinking this through. Just a couple of hours ago we looked at each other in the eyes and confessed our love for other people.

JASPER: Who are both not here?

CHANEL: I know you're keen on moving on.

JASPER: So sue me.

CHANEL: (Laughing) Jasper I am serious.

JASPER: Yes and that's the problem. We're both still a little exhausted from our previous relationships we don't have to make sense of this; we just have to enjoy ourselves.

CHANEL: You mean...

JASPER: ... I mean we don't have to define anything. It is what it is.

CHANEL: (Nodding) I can do that.

This will be a dispute; Chanel has been in a serious relationship with the same person since she was 16 years old. She is 23 now; this doesn't quite feel like cheating but she only knows how to be with one man and Jasper is suggesting an open relationship. It is just... this will be a dispute.

Therefore, she'll take it on. She kisses him suggestively leading to more fulfilling ways to spend the morning and the afternoon and the other evening... but before she can sleep over Jasper wants to know...

JASPER: What about your daughter?

CHANEL: Adil always said he wanted to spend more time with her, now it's his chance.

And yes unquestionably another sleep over.

**REVIEW**


	31. Better in time

_**Chapter 31:**_ Better in time

I haven't a clue how he knew where to find me; or how he knew this would be the perfect timing; where he picked up the insolence to call me at this hour but all I know is that it is him.

He is that lazy sounding voice on the other end; the voice that always spoke with overconfidence; that voice that always provoked a reaction from my heart; that voice is on the other end.

He was apologetic for making it at such a late hour but he couldn't hide anymore; I don't know when it happened or how it happened but he couldn't hide anymore; I don't know when it happened or how it happened but he is on the other end.

I recognized him immediately; I detested myself for remembering; does that mean my life has been on stand still. But then I stopped; recognized the unfairness of this call; detested him as an alternative; how could he allow himself to make this call and not think that I would react.

Perhaps I was the one to blame… just as I was all that time ago; perhaps he was the one to blame that he has again started something that we had a difficult time forgetting in the same place; I don't know who is to blame but I know that it is him on the other end.

I have been exhausted a minute ago and had really expected it to be Edward but it wasn't; it was one 'o clock in the morning; dark and cold; yet he is on the other end. Yes, Jake is on the other end

JACOB: Is this a bad time?

BELLA: Could you start with a less complicated question. How are you?

JACOB: Could you start with a less complicated question?

BELLA: Ok where are you?

JACOB: Glasgow, where are you?

BELLA: Exactly where you left me 6 months ago.

JACOB: My old apartment?

He still has it- his quick wit. I am not processing because if it was then I wouldn't be so calm. I would just be overwhelmed by the moment; this moment that I never thought would come round again.

BELLA: I'm in Linksfield.

At my house, the house I own with Edward.

I'd rather you not know.

I guess I always assumed that he knew Edward and I had gotten married only two weeks after he had left but to know it as a fact that he does worries me.

BELLA: He tells me you got close.

Twice actually!

JACOB: Twice actually.

BELLA: That sounds exciting.

JACOB: Well what else do you expect of me?

I don't know. I have never known. I mean as much as I've missed you especially lately; nothing could have prepared me for this phone call.

BELLA: My mistake then; to assume that time and place change people.

JACOB: I've meaning to change.

BELLA: Something's been keeping you.

JACOB: In your house; heard you got married.

BELLA: Emmett has a big mouth.

He does!

JACOB: Cos he tells me the truth.

I'd rather you not know.

JACOB: Got worried that you and I won't have anything to talk about.

That's not possible; you and me will always find something to say.

BELLA: If you settled down?

JACOB: If I stopped complaining about love, life and everything else.

BELLA: So you deserve an honor- for saving our friendship.

JACOB: Let's just say I got tired of constantly driving a wedge between us.

BELLA: But you're in Glasgow

JACOB: That's just a city; what I mean has far more significance and you know it.

Yes I know it.

BELLA: So what else has he told you?

The baby, do you know I've lost the baby? Do you Edward's moved out. Do you know?

JACOB: I don't believe he's had the opportunity to tell me anything else really. I've been traveling for a while now.

I am relieved

BELLA: He tells me you've become such a voyager.

JACOB: It pays the bills and helps keep my mind out of you.

BELLA: I don't understand why you would struggle with that; I am very much forgettable.

JACOB: Then tell me how to do it; you seem to think it's easy.

BELLA: Should I want you to not think about me?

JACOB: It's not favorable to me. It keeps my life on a standstill; it's not fair cos you get to go on with yours

But I love that you still love me. I love that you are in Glasgow but you're thinking of me… little old me. I didn't know back then that I had that effect on him.

BELLA: You wanted me to. I came to you that night didn't I? I wanted to be with you.

JACOB: That doesn't help me does it.

BELLA: I am sorry.

I really am. I would do anything just to be there with you right now.

JACOB: You see why we had to start with a less complicated question. Big surprise hey, I am still complicated.

BELLA: …then we got more things to talk about. So tell me more about your job?

He tells me about his job, the strain he feels from all that travel; how his relationships have suffered because of it and then we stay away from us and our feelings and the mention of Edward. And that works out in my favor because I wouldn't know where to start and I don't want to tell him how I have failed since he left.

And besides Edward is always going to be a sore point between us we'll never get comfortable with.

4 hours later we hang up and that's only because he had to run off to meet a client for a meeting. He promises he'll be in contact again soon, tells me to check my emails more often. In my head I am thinking even after all this time he still knows how to use his gift with words to draw favorable responses for himself but I know I definitely will be checking my emails more often now. In fact as soon as I am off the phone I switch on my notebook and log onto my account and can't resist a wide smile when I get a hit from him.

'You should really get to sleep now'. I agree, I fall asleep minutes later for the first time since I lost the baby.


	32. Four is a crowd

_**Chapter 32**_: Four is a crowd

BELLA: I really wish you would have called to tell me you were coming.

EDWARD: Why… so you can make sure you're out of the house when I show up?

It's awful but he is accurate. I would have made sure to drive to Pretoria to see Alice had I known he'd picked tonight to pack all his things.

EDWARD: We're still married Bells and if I want to see you I'll make sure of it.

Okay so maybe not all his things… just a few more shirts for work and jeans for casual day… not that Carlisle is capable of enforcing such a light day on his only deserved son.

Upon realizing that the bag he's chosen is not big enough to carry all his closet; I take a sigh of relief, he's still not giving up on us even though it's been two months since I asked him to move out.

BELLA: That's a small bag, all your stuff's not gonna fit in there.

EDWARD: Well I'm hoping you'll ask me back home soon and I don't wanna have to waste time filling my bags. I know it's only a matter of time now.

_It's official, I am the bad guy here._

BELLA: It's already been two months Edward.

EDWARD: Which mean sooner rather than later?

He's absolutely unmoved in his belief that he and I will be married once again. Not just in state and paper but in emotion as well. While I have done everything to detach myself from him; he's worked on getting closer to me again.

BELLA: So Alice's coming home for the June holidays.

EDWARD: When?

BELLA: Next week. I want to throw her a party here if you don't mind.

EDWARD: You want my permission throwing a party in this house.

BELLA: Yes it's your house too.

EDWARD: The same house you want me to call you each time I want to come into.

BELLA: This is different though.

EDWARD: Cos it has nothing to do with our marriage.

BELLA: Yes!

EDWARD: But lately what does… definitely not you.

BELLA: Edward!

He immediately realized the edginess at which he responded to but I understood he could not be blamed for because while it had seemed that he was prepared to wait for me to come round in realness, he was starting to crack up.

EDWARD: I'm sorry. I guess I am just…

BELLA: Getting impatient…

Looking at the way he is looking at me now it occurs to me: Edward and I are beginning to grow apart. He and I have been leading separate lives for some time now and the man he is right now is a stranger and he thinks the same of me. I just wish he'd as uneasy about it as I am.

BELLA: I want you to come.

EDWARD: It should be your friends at that party and I don't wanna be on your way.

BELLA: Yes but you're my husband. And you and me have the same friends remember. You use to work with all of them.

EDWARD: I'll think about it.

He'll think about it. Yes he is starting to manufacture a life outside of me. I just hope it's not… no he wouldn't.

BELLA: It would really mean a lot to me if you came.

EDWARD: Like I said I'll think about it. I am not being cruel but I have promised to accompany Carlisle to a seminar in Egypt next week.

Carlisle again! So he is cheating on me as I suspected… with Carlisle.

BELLA: Well if you're gonna blow me off it might as well be for Carlisle.

Here comes trouble. I should know, we've been through this before… every time when I see him actually. He tells me he has to work, I bring up Carlisle, he gets defensive, we yell and scream, well he yells and I scream, he storms out, nothing gets fixed. Why are we so angry?

EDWARD: I see him more than I see you. I might as well be married to him.

BELLA: Yes because he would have carried your child to term right. The baby would have been just another successful project for the dream team that you are.

EDWARD: Why do you always have to bring that up?

BELLA: Because I am trying to make you aware that we did lose a baby.

EDWARD: I know that.

BELLA: And working all the time doesn't change that.

EDWARD: Or make it go away! Yes I know but at least I am trying to go on with my life and so should you.

BELLA: Oh no I don't deserve to go on with my life.

EDWARD: You see this is what I mean. The miscarriage was over 2 months ago and then you made it seem like I needed to move out because I was angry with you…

BELLA: But you are!

EDWARD: But I am the one who is on my knees and on that phone with you begging for you to take me back every night … I am begging you Bells. This is all up to you. Yet time and time again you push me aside and you say no. so I will deal with that rejection however I see fit. So that means if Carlisle has another deadline for me to beat or a seminar for me to go to then I will because I cannot stand the fact that you're not comfortable loving me anymore.

I do love you!

BELLA: Don't say that!

EDWARD: Because it's the truth.

BELLA: How could it be the truth when loving you is the only thing inside of me that makes sense.

Yes it is! Loving you makes sense more than loving Jacob ever could.

EDWARD: then take me back… tell me right here and now that we can start building our future again, starting on another baby.

BELLA: Another baby? Have you lost your mind? We've tried that and it didn't work. There is no way we're having another baby… not now and not ever.

I don't want fail you again. I just would never pardon myself.

EDWARD: But I want children…

BELLA: Then you want another wife.

EDWARD: I want them with you.

He's not giving up on me.

BELLA: It's romantic Edward but it's not going to happen.

EDWARD: Yes because you're going to make sure that you and I never get close again.

That should solve your issue right, that should make sure you don't lose another baby ever again.

He's right that's why I am not saying anything.

EDWARD: why did you marry me?

BELLA: Because I love you.

EDWARD: Is that what it really was?

Is it?

EDWARD: Looking back now I am just not sure. Isn't that why you had to take time to see if I measured up…

BELLA: Measured up to what?

He means Jacob again but how can he, he doesn't know about Jacob and my feelings for him.

EDWARD: I need to leave before I say something I can't take back.

I am not gonna stop him if he wants to leave then what am I gonna do. But I do follow him downstairs, all the way to the door in fact just to say; I am still a presence in his life.

He stops at the door.

BELLA: I really want you to come.

EDWARD: (Nodding) I'll see…

I wait for him to lay a kiss on my cheek but it doesn't come and I have to settle for the view of his back as he hurries to his car. I am vividly aware that the distance between has widened and I can't help but fear the worst for us.

And why not when Victoria has become his confidant, when she is there every time we fight to help sort through those feelings of hurt and censure that I teach. Yes it's true, some women can't keep their hands out of people's mouth. Victoria is such a woman, she's in my mouth but now the question is: is Edward such a man?

EDWARD: Thanks!

He has to thank her when she offers him a strong glass of whisky at the office that night.

EDWARD: You didn't have to stay you know.

Of course she had to. The office is empty and dark; she anticipates her odds to score are at their healthiest tonight.

VICTORIA: You had a difficult day I didn't want you to be alone.

EDWARD: I know I am a mess lately and I am sorry. It's just that every time I see her it sets me off on the wrong path. I don't understand why we don't just get along. Bells and I use to be so happy.

While he is truly concerned for his marriage, Victoria sees this as an opportunity. And any other night she'll suggest a club or even a movie but not tonight; tonight she makes her move.

VICTORIA: I just wish you'd stop thinking about her so much.

EDWARD: I can't. Ever since I've met her she's been the only thing I can think of. Why do you think I threw away my friendship with Jacob for her or forgot how much I detested my father just to try and be the man that she deserved?

VICTORIA: And that was the problem, sacrificing yourself for a woman who loved your best friend instead of you.

EDWARD: She loves me Victoria. I've always believed that. She just needed to realize it.

What to do when the 'she doesn't love you' angle doesn't work. When you are gonna make your move Victoria… get physical.

VICTORIA: Come on let me help you relax.

She pushes his chair back.

EDWARD: Why?

VICTORIA: I'm gonna give you a foot massage.

EDWARD: (Laughing) Does that actually work?

VICTORIA: well in a couple of minutes you'd be able to tell me.

She gets rid of the expensive shoes and socks and wasn't entirely surprised by the moan he let out when she started working on his foot. She has drawn out that kind of response from many men in the past.

VICTORIA: You like that?

EDWARD: What's there not to like, you have magic hands.

VICTORIA: Well it's expected seeing that I worked in a spa for a couple of months last year.

EDWARD: Really?

He finds that interesting… yes he finds the fact that she worked at a spa interesting.

The claws are sinking in.

VICTORIA: Did you know that every major organ in your body has a nerve winding down on your foot.

EDWARD: It does?

VICTORIA: Yes, it's called reflexology. So by just playing with your foot in this way; I can provoke the sort of response that I want from you.

The seduction has begun. It's not just the artistry of her fingers but her tone has changed. He hasn't made things easy for his marriage by tilting his head back and closing his eyes to enjoy himself.

VICTORIA: So 2 months you've been separated from Bella.

He utters something that sounds like a 'yes' but carried by the pleasure he is receiving from the foot massage.

VICTORIA: So 2 months since you know…

EDWARD: opens his eyes, something is going on he knows that now but the astonish comes when he doesn't do anything to stop what he is now fully aware is happening.

EDWARD: Yes!

In fact… he is playing along.

VICTORIA: So if I did this…

She was right: every major organ has a nerve winding down to the foot and she just found the one that every man thinks with… no not the brain.

VICTORIA: … you'd?

EDWARD: Oh yes…

In his mind he's still aware that he's being awoken by another woman who happens to not be his wife but he's still sure he is within his boundaries.

VICTORIA: And if I…

This time he had to tilt his head back again, close his eyes because he was sure if he didn't he just may cum on the spot and that wouldn't be within his boundaries.

VICTORIA: Oh you like that…

He doesn't know if that hand running up his thighs is within his boundaries or Bella's for that matter but it must if he's letting it happen. Is it within his boundaries to have that same hand run over his bulge awakening him some more or did he just enjoy it too much for him to stop it.

He kept his eyes shut, hoping for his resolve to kick in when the same hand started unbuttoning his shirt. Instead he swallowed hard as that hand met his skin. Or perhaps it was just the fact that it felt so alive to be touched by a woman again, no matter who that woman was but still he waited for his common sense to get the better of him as it always has since he met Bella.

Edward was to find out that his common sense hasn't been met with such challenge as Victoria's determination before. He let her kiss his chest even though he was sure it was against his better judgment and then his neck as he held his breath but when she started kissing his mouth he celebrated when he stopped her. His brain had kicked in.

EDWARD: Victoria I can't do this, it's not right, it's not who I am.

She's not troubled by his feeble resistance. She keeps her eye on the price. She and Edward will have sex tonight even if it kills her.

VICTORIA: Of course it is.

This time he lets the kiss go on longer and he even dares to kiss back but still manages to push her off; his image of Bella fading slowly.

EDWARD: VICTORIA!

She spread her legs apart and sat on top of him, continued with her pursuit while blatantly ignoring his weak protests.

She kissed him again, her tongue probing deeper and deeper into his mouth while her hands travelled to undo his pants. He wasn't sure when he started kissing back or when his hands started fondling her breasts but he knew this: the resolve that he had counted on to define his limits has clearly been disloyal to him. There's nothing that can be done to prevent this night from happening.

He wonders though as she unzips him if this has been a long time coming and moreover as she got rid of her panties if he really wanted to do this or was he driven by his own weakness for sex or just the mere missing of his wife that has influenced him to do something he didn't think he was capable of in a million years. And by the time he had cum inside of her a while later he knew he wasn't even attracted to Victoria to have picked her to be the woman he deceives Bella with; she was merely just another woman like everyone else and that when it was over and he was looking over her shoulder absentmindedly he knows he loves his wife now more than ever.

It's happened three times in as many days now and yet he's still not sure why he does it. Victoria is asleep in bed; he's taking in the view of the city from his 13th floor hotel room.

He's on his fifth cigarette in an hour trying to figure out why he is being unfaithful to the woman he loves and he still can't figure it out. He is not going to Egypt he knows that for sure, he just wants to be with his wife working on his marriage.

He's been trying to call for an hour but all he gets is that engaged tone and her cell number sends him straight to voice mail. She's avoiding him.

He is driving himself crazy because of everything that has happened since he moved out and yet it is not all his fault. If he knew the real reason why he couldn't get in touch with her is because he is on the phone with Jacob. This has been a recurring event for a month now and they are improving in their friendship.

JACOB: How is Alice's party plans coming along?

BELLA: it's not a party, just a gathering of her most intimate friends coming in to welcome her back.

JACOB: What happened? When we spoke last night you were throwing her the biggest party Joburg has ever seen.

BELLA: Get real Jacpb you know I don't know that many people. And since you- the most popular man I have ever known- cannot make it to the party I'll be lucky if I can get the neighbor's dog to attend.

JACOB: And who says I am not coming?

BELLA: I don't know. Something really strange… like geographical locations.

JACOB: I could still make it.

BELLA: You do not get to get me all elated for nothing. You told me you'd be in France next week remember.

JACOB: Shit! What happened to the girl who I couldn't tell anything without it going in one ear and out the other.

BELLA: People improve Jake.

JACOB: There was never that much improving for you to do, you were always ahead of the pack.

BELLA: You say that as if it's a good thing.

JACOB: Well I never did mind it and I know Edward didn't. I think it's the one thing that convinced him there was no one else for him.

BELLA: Well the both of you are wrong. I am not quite that amazing… not yet anyway.

JACOB: Does he know we're speaking?

BELLA: Edward didn't know we were speaking even when we were in the same country.

JACOB: So that's a no then?

BELLA: It just hasn't come up. He's away on business now so even if I did want to tell him…

JACOB: …which I am sure you don't see the point in doing.

BELLA: Is that a problem?

JACOB: You're married to the guy?

He's taken offence and he's failed to hide it.

BELLA: don't say it like that. It's not like when you left you and Edward were the best of friends I just wouldn't know how to tell him without him flying off the wall.

JACOB: But he does know that nothing happened between us.

BELLA: He knows how you feel… how you use to feel at least and I don't think he'd welcome the news. Please don't be upset with me.

JACOB: I am not. I mean you know what's good for your marriage. I can't even keep an engagement, let alone a woman, your knowledge in the subject of love is far more proven than mine and it's always been.

BELLA: I'll tell Edward when the time is right. Maybe if you actually showed up next week…

JACOB: (Laughing) Impossible is nothing I guess.

And while Edward continued trying to get a hold of his wife, she was on the phone with Jake. He had to stop trying when Victoria woke up and came to get him at the balcony using that powerful mouth to get some sexual attention from him again. He stayed inside of her for longer each time, hoping the answer will bring itself to him but instead all he got was another senseless but enjoyable release. It was he who fell off to sleep this time, hoping in his dreams he will get to be with Bella once again.

It was Victoria's turn to stay in wonder. She wants this man with her body and heart but is only getting him the only way he'll allow. She can and has managed to do something about the body; how does she fix the heart that still belongs to one woman and one woman alone.


	33. Ladies  & Gentlemen Alice's Back

**A/N: I'm really sorry this took so long. I had a lot of school work to finish, with finals and all that. Thank God today was the last day of school! Wooow! Updates will come a lot faster in June, I pinkie promise. **

Chapter 32: Ladies & Gentlemen Alice's back

Chanel has some insecurities about seeing Alice again in a few days. She tells me this as shop around for the ingredients.

CHANEL: I mean don't get me wrong I miss my girl and all but she doesn't know that Jasper and I have been sleeping together and I don't want her to be upset with me.

BELLA: I don't see any reason why she should. Alice is happy with Guliano. I don't think it matters who Jasper is sleeping with. And besides I thought the two of you were just having fun.

CHANEL: Yes we are but everyone knows and if she is here then she'll know too.

BELLA: I don't think she's got a reason to be upset. She didn't want Jasper and it would be unfair of her to expect his life to be on a standstill because of her. Sure we were all taken by surprised that the two of you even knew how to get along but I've seen how happy he makes you, I don't think you'd let anyone mess with that.

CHANEL: But that's the thing Bells… I wouldn't let anyone mess with that but that means that I have gone and done the unacceptable.

BELLA: You've fallen for him.

CHANEL: And why not, he's a wonderful man. It was only a matter of time before I started feeling this way. I stayed with Adil for so long because I had no idea what it is I wanted in a man but now I finally do. It's the softness of Jasper, his sensitivity, his patience and how he always says 'no problem' even when he's doing something that's out of his way. I love his iPod, his car but not his pretty house or his rich cousin in Houghton because if there's anything I don't like about him, that's it. He has enough experience to suggest he's lived but to suggest also that there's still some innocence to justify mystery. He parties hard but always knows when to come home… to me. I don't feel out of place with him even though he's got a lot of money. I don't know maybe going out with him was a mistake because if stays fun for him as it has all this time then I am afraid I have doomed every possible future relationship by being with him.

BELLA: You make it sound like you're incapable of attracting a good man.

CHANEL: Bells come on. We both know I am the one that hit the jackpot here…

As I with Edward.

CHANEL: …his money, his looks and his manner. I have a child, I'm from Benoni and my hair is coarse. It's only a matter of time before he comes to his senses and realize that he's not having so much fun with me.

BELLA: Stop putting yourself down. I know for a fact that you are anything but boring. I am sure being with you has been one adventure after another for Jasper… and he can use some adventure in his life

CHANEL: He's such a conservative guy, I don't think he feels complemented by my wild ways.

BELLA: You complement each other very well. Don't underestimate yourself.

CHANEL: Now Alice is coming back and they are so much alike. He's gonna take one look at that beautiful blonde girl and he won't hesitate to do away with the bushy from Benoni.

BELLA: Oh but you do have a lot going for yourself.

CHANEL: if you say that I am beautiful…

BELLA: Actually I was going to say you have great boobs.

CHANEL: (Laughing)

BELLA: You should talk to Jasper about this before Alice gets in, maybe he's feelings have changed too you'll never know.

Jasper has a similar conversation with Emmett and Kieran.

JASPER: Hey you think I could get reservations for tonight at the "Manga" in Sandton.

EMMETT: That's the most exclusive restaurant in Sandton you can't get in at such short notice.

KIERAN: I once took Terry-Ann there, I paid $300 just for the starter.

EMMETT: You're exaggerating!

JASPER: You have to be exaggerating.

KIERAN: Go to a cheaper restaurant, something like McDonalds.

JASPER: No way I told her to put on her best dress, I have my eye set on that restaurant and nothing's going to stop me.

KIEARAN: So let me get this straight. Alice a.k.a the love of your pathetic life is coming back in a couple of days and you want to take Chanel a.k.a the girl you're screwing for fun to the priciest restaurant in the country.

EMMETT: I would like to clear that up too.

JASPER: The two of you talk such nonsense. Alice is coming back yes but she's not part of my life anymore, Chanel is.

EMMETT: So you're not the least bit worried about dating her friend.

JASPER: Not the least bit!

KIERAN: Not the least bit?

JASPER: Not the least bit. Look it's taking me a while to get to this point but I finally am here and it's all because of Chanel. Now instead of worrying about the girl who didn't want me I am gonna try going on with my life.

EMMETT: What happened, weren't you suppose to be just having fun with this girl?

JASPER: I know but that was 2 months ago you know, a lot has changed.

EMMETT: Like what?

JASPER: Well for one I met her daughter and it was love at first sight. The way she messed up the lyrics to songs and yet she wasn't afraid to scream out her lungs out. Just like her mom so fearless, always ready to take on the world.

KIERAN: But you hate that about her!

JASPER: No, I did. Now I understand her a little bit better. She's had a difficult past with the father of her child, he's made her feel weak and insufficient and when he's not around it's the only time she feels she has a chance.

KIERAN: So what, you falling for this girl?

EMMETT: Don't answer that, give me the chance to feel sorry for myself that as of now I am the only one who hasn't met the right girl.

KIERAN: Oh please you meet the right girl every weekend, you'll be fine tonight.

EMMETT: You know how you conquer loneness; you just fall in love all the time.

KIERAN: You seriously should consider moving on with your life.

EMMETT: I _am_ moving on with my life.

JASPER: Is there any chance this will go back to being about me.

KIERAN: Take it easy- Kanye West.

EMMETT: So you gonna ask her to go steady with you.

KIERAN: (Laughing)

JASPER: I think I will tonight. I've already started thinking of her as my girlfriend; I think we should make it official.

EMMETT: And you think Alice is going to be okay with that?

KIERAN: Why not, she's the one who didn't want him.

EMMETT: I know but she and Chanel are friends right and women have that rule about not dating each other's ex's.

JASPER: I am not her ex.

EMMETT: In a way you are, you did mess around with her a couple of times.

JASPER: It was just something we did behind her boyfriends back. Yes it meant something to me but meant shit to her.

KIERAN: Yes which is why she's the last person in the universe who's got the right to be upset with this.

JASPER: Exactly! I am a healthy, capable, handsome…

Both Kieran and Emmett burst out laughing…

JASPER: There's absolutely no need for me to stay single…

It's a pity that we always can't be two places at one time or telepath between destinations as in that movie jumper because I am sure Chanel would have appreciated this favorable conversation between friends.

He was single-minded in his goal of showing Chanel a good time even after they ran into some trouble at "Manga" because he didn't have reservations. He is disappointed but he wants to keep at it.

CHANEL: Didn't you know that we had to have reservations to get into this place.

JASPER: I knew but I thought there's always that table by the corner where the ceiling drips…

CHANEL: (Laughing)

JASPER: … that no one really wants. I am sorry I couldn't get us in.

CHANEL: It's ok.

JASPER: No it isn't. look at you, I got you all excited, got you to put on this amazing dress that looks so beautiful on you for nothing. I just wanted tonight to be perfect.

CHANEL: Don't worry about it. We'll just go to another restaurant around the corner and get some food there, it's fine.

JASPER: But then it's ruined. I can't exactly ask you what I want to ask you at Nescafe.

CHANEL: What do you wanna ask me?

JASPER: Here?

CHANEL: Why not; we couldn't get in so does that mean I don't get to know what it is you wanna say to me. Should I be worried because I am you know.

JASPER: Why are you worried?

CHANEL: You've met someone else haven't you? Someone you've decided you like and you wanna go steady with.

JASPER: You can say that.

CHANEL: I guess I understand. This was the deal, I am not gonna freak out on you simply because you're bailing out.

JASPER: So does that mean that it doesn't make a difference to you whether I'm moving on or not.

Jasper thinks this is a great time to test just how far he's gotten with Chanel before he can confess that she's truly the one he's referring to.

CHANEL: It's not important what I feel. We had a deal right and the deal said we were not exclusive and if we met other people…

JASPER: Have you met someone else?

CHANEL: No I haven't.

JASPER: Well neither have I.

CHANEL: (Surprised) But you just said…

JASPER: …that there's someone I wanna go steady with, yes. That someone is you.

CHANEL: You wanna go steady with me?

Reprieve for Chanel. He feels the same as she.

JASPER: I know we had a deal when we started but I've discovered so many wonderful things about which I find irresistible.

CHANEL: About me?

This is a dream come true for Chanel, to discover that Jasper has indeed moved on from Alice and is asking her to be the girl he loves from now on.

JASPER: Don't act so surprised, you are a great woman and there's plenty of things I just don't know how to do without anymore. For one I love the fact that you're a mother, you're always good to your child and you always put her first. I love her, she's so smart and so funny, she gets all of that from you. And I don't wanna have a life outside of the two of you. So if you would have me…

CHANEL: Are you kidding?

She flies into his arms bringing joy to the both of them, celebrating the life that they now officially share. He takes her into his arms, spin her around in circles as roared in laughter of commemoration. When they finally recovered from the dizzying spin they got dizzy on kissing each other.

When they stopped that they soaked up the moment by looking at each other.

CHANEL: I thought I was the only one who wanted this. It's so hard to believe that we're both on the same page.

JASPER: I am done. You took long enough to come into my life. I don't wanna lose you.

They just had to kiss again but had to cut it short when someone suddenly cleared their throat to get their attention. They both looked but froze up when they realized it was Alice.

CHANEL: Oh my goodness Alice… hey.

She reacted quicker than Jasper because he had to react to the feelings inside him first. He hadn't seen Alice in months and he thought he was over her up until now.

While Chanel walked up to Alice to give her a hug, Jasper just stood there and shared a look with Alice over Chanel's shoulder.

CHANEL: We were not expecting you until Tuesday, what are you doing here?

ALICE: Guliano and are having dinner, I just forgot my cell phone in his car.

CHANEL: You're having dinner inside, Jasper and I just tried to get inside and we couldn't get a table cos we didn't have a reservation.

ALICE: Well Guliano booked well in advance so…

CHANEL: That's cool. It's cool running into you. Does Bella know you're here?

ALICE: I'm gonna call her tonight.

It settles, on Chanel as well. Jasper's reaction says all just as Alice's as well.

ALICE: Well I need to get back. I don't want Guliano to get worried.

CHANEL: Good, so we'll see you Wednesday at the dinner party.

ALICE: That's the plan. Bye!

She does give Jasper that one last look before going inside and he had to bring up all his fetters to not go after her but he stayed grounded and stayed with Chanel instead. But he couldn't pretend.

CHANEL: That was unexpected.

JASPER: Yes I know.

Chanel never hides what he's feeling but of course Jasper knows that. He has to answer now.

CHANEL: And you look like you just seen a ghost.

JASPER: I just haven't seen her in a while, I had no idea the kind of reaction it would provoke from me. (Pause) Do you mind if I get you a taxi? I just wanna be alone to think things through for a while.

She said okay and got on that taxi. He waved to her to try and give the impression that she was still number one but she knew just as she suspected that Alice's coming back home has rocked this relationship.

When he was certain the taxi had disappeared and Chanel couldn't see him he went back inside and hid in a corner where he could just have a good look at the beautiful blonde and soak in wonder of her. And just as he had done all those months ago, he didn't let the presence of Guliano mess with his view.

Chanel passed time in her dark flat watching sweet romantic movie while cozying up in a blanket in a sofa. She wasn't used to being home alone anymore but the one person who had been responsible for turning her life around has made his decision to spend his night moping around for another woman. She still got elated though when there's a knock at the door.

"Good, he's come to his senses."

But upon opening the door she instead got the shock that is Alice.

CHANEL: Alice! Twice in one night, you determined to kill with me shock.

ALICE: Can I come in?

Chanel found the question strange but she was curious so she let Alice in.

CHANEL: What's up?

ALICE: Which one is your bedroom?

She asked when she noticed there were two bedrooms.

CHANEL: The one to the left, why?

ALICE: Tell you now but first can I use your bathroom.

CHANEL: Yes sure. It's down the passage on your right.

Chanel got comfortable on the sofa again patiently waiting for Alice to finish on her bathroom stop. It didn't take long at all but it wasn't your normal 'do your numbers then flush' type of stop. Alice's objectives were very rapid. She filled a five liter bucket with water then hurried to Chanel's bedroom where she soaked the bed in the whole amount. And by the time Chanel had registered to herself what was happening the damage had done.

CHANEL: What the hell are you doing?

ALICE: Let's see what bed the two of you sleep in now?

She began to leave but Chanel's temper is too short to allow such an injustice to just fly by. She is the small girl with a big fight and Alice is about to find out just how much fight.

CHANEL: Hey what the fuck did you do that for?

Alice's mistake was not to stop before they got outside because once there even Guliano… who was parked across the street could see there was no peace.

CHANEL: Hey!

She said grabbing Alice by the shoulder prompting her to stop.

ALICE: Don't touch me!

Alice exclaimed!

CHANEL: You've got some nerve you know that, coming into my house and vandalizing my bed.

ALICE: You've always been such a drama queen, I didn't vandalize anything. I just made sure of my peace of mind.

CHANEL: By wetting my bed?

ALICE: You just couldn't wait to move in after him couldn't you?

CHANEL: What?

ALICE: What? Was it just the knowledge that he wanted me first that made seem like such a target for you.

CHANEL: What? You need to just get over yourself; my relationship with Jasper has absolutely nothing to do with you.

ALICE: I mean I've always known that you've got no respect for yourself and that you like the attention a little too much but to go after such a decent man as Jasper and try to use him for your own comfort…

CHANEL: My own comfort?

ALICE: I know you've always been just a little jealous of me but to think you can get back at me by using Jasper like this.

CHANEL: This has nothing to do with any of that. You're just angry because you thought that you could go wherever you needed to go and be with whoever you needed to be with but Jasper will always be right here waiting for you. But you saw us tonight and you heard everything he said to me and you got hurt, hurt because he finally realized that you were nothing after all. And you know I don't feel sorry, it was your mistake to think someone as great as him would stay lose all this time.

She hit the core this time and Alice didn't have any other response but to give Chanel a hard slap across the cheek and when Chanel responded with her own Guliano knew it was time to intervene.

He quickly got out of his car but the burning fiery fight was not to be stopped that easily. He tried calling out for Alice and when that didn't work to try and wrestle her off Chanel but the girls could not be tamed. Alice was on top but it was Chanel pulling her hair that kept her down.

Guliano is physically not as strong as Jasper; the girls are getting the better of him. He gets tossed to the side by Chanel's kick… which of course was meant for Alice.

GULIANO: What the hell…

He got stubborn and got up but nothing he came with could match the girl's resistance. He was relieved when Jasper's car pulled up; and having a man who is a big physical presence was the aid he needed. Jasper pulled Chanel off Alice and on the side as Guliano handled his woman as tempers did the flying.

JASPER: What the hell is going on here?

ALICE & CHANEL: (Simultaneously) she started it… (They look at each other) No I didn't!

CHANEL: You were the one that poured water all over our bed.

ALICE: You were the one that hit me first.

CHANEL: Because you poured water all over my bed.

ALICE: Crazy slut!

CHANEL: White trash!

They try to have a go at each other again but this time Jasper is here.

JASPER: Stop it!

Chanel tries to defy him but he stamps his authority.

JASPER: Stop it Chanel. (Yelling) STOP IT!

CHANEL: Yes of course you want me to stop. As always you're not afraid to push me aside because of her.

JASPER: I just want to know what's going on here.

GULIANO: Yes Alice you ask me to wait for you in the car and then you come out wrestling with her.

ALICE: Because she's a crazy bitch that's why!

CHANEL: I'm crazy? You were the one that emptied a bucket of five liters of water on my bed.

GULIANO: What? Why would you do that?

It starts to dwell on Alice she has just jeopardized her relationship to Guliano by being here especially when Chanel's mouth starts running.

CHANEL: Because she's jealous.

ALICE: Shut up!

CHANEL: Isn't that what you said Alice... that Jasper and I will just have to find a new place to sleep as of now.

GULIANO: You what?

ALICE: I can explain.

GULIANO: Please do, start by telling me who this guy is.

ALICE: No one.

GULIANO: He can't be no one Alice. You were just involved in a fist fight with his girlfriend. Tell me who he is.

CHANEL: Yes _Alice_ tell him who he is.

As much as Jasper has despised Guliano and the things he's done to Alice, he knows he has to respect the fact that he is her choice.

JASPER: Come on... (He says pulling Chanel back inside) you and me need to talk.

CHANEL: There's nothing to talk about. For months you were miserable because you thought she didn't love you back. Well here you are, you know now that she does, what do you want with me?

She runs back upstairs and while Jasper can avoid the mess by going after his girlfriend, there's a lot of damage for Alice to fix.

GULIANO: Did you go out with this guy?

Yes! No! I was with him a couple of times behind your back- Alice thinks but can she actually come clean to him.

ALICE: Gigi!

GULIANO: Did you?

ALICE: A couple of times before I left for school but I swear...

GULIANO: I am not interested! Get in the car...

ALICE: Gigi!

GULIANO: Get in the car!

She was not sure how they were going to survive the drive all the way to the south in this condition but the relationships hangs in the balance because Guliano finally knows about the threat that is Jasper.

He is not the only one- Chanel is all too aware of the threat that is Alice even though Jasper has stayed on her tail all the way upstairs.

JASPER: Would you slow down so I can talk to you.

CHANEL: There's nothing to say Jasper. We all saw the drama that enfolded downstairs and the only person I really don't mind seeing right now is Guliano because he is the only person in the world who knows the embarrassment I feel right now.

JASPER: But there's nothing for you to feel embarrassed about.

CHANEL: You left me there. You told me you wanted to go steady then you left me there.

JASPER: I explained that to you.

CHANEL: Yes because you needed to be alone to think about another woman some more. You know I was in a bad relationship for six years, six long years Jasper, I expect men to let me down but it has never happened so quick before.

JASPER: It wasn't my intention to let you down.

CHANEL: I can take it. I am big girl, I can take anything. You want to take it back, everything that you said it's fine. You didn't know then that she felt the same as you and now you do.

JASPER: Would you stop for one second.

Indeed she does, looks at him. He can't believe how much he can read her; he's always been able to. And now he can see the pain that's clearly visible. She's putting on a brave face but if he walked out she will take some time to recover.

CHANEL: What do you want from me?

JASPER: I wanna tell you what I feel. (Pause) Yes I was taken aback by seeing her tonight, I wasn't prepared for that. You know Alice never said goodbye to me and I fought everything in me to not drive up there every night just so I could be with her again but I didn't because she made a choice and I had to respect that.

CHANEL: That's very romantic Jasper but what does it have to do with me.

JASPER: Everything. The only time I haven't felt like driving to Pretoria is when I'm with you. I know I ditched you tonight and that's fucked up but when I was taking a walk I realized that I was ok, that it didn't matter that she wasn't everything, you were. (Pause) I love you Chanel.

CHANEL: Don't say that...

JASPER: ...unless I mean it...well I do and I want you to love me back.

CHANEL: Oh but I do Jasper. I really do love you.

JASPER: That's great... but you think you can say it and not make it sound as an answer to a question.

That draws a smile from Chanel. She thought tonight was going to end up being the most horrible night of her life but instead she is declaring her love to the man she loves and more remarkably the man who loves her right back.

CHANEL: Easy. (Walking up to him to gaze at him in the eyes) I love you Jasper Alexander Whitlock. I love you very much.

Yes Jasper knows he's got this right, which he has just been made the happiest man in the world simply because he can finally do away with waiting and start living his life in love.

The situation wasn't as explained at the other side of town. Alice has been asked to explain herself to Guliano. He can hear her talking but doesn't hear a word she says.

This is what he thinks: he has known her for years and even at the first moment he felt like he knew her beyond measure but tonight she saw a different girl, especially one he's not sure he likes very much.

But here he stands letting her explain because at the core of everything, he's not ready to let her go. He hears her say that it's all in the past and also those they never went passed the kissing game. He wants to believe her but he decides to punish himself with his own version of the truth. Something did happen pass kissing and it's not in the past. Otherwise…

ALICE: Otherwise what…

GULIANO: Otherwise you wouldn't have reacted the way you did tonight.

ALICE: I got over anxious; you know I can be like that. I just reacted to one of my good friends dating him and not telling me about it.

GULIANO: Because you still love him.

ALICE: I never did.

GULIANO: Don't lie to me.

ALICE: not like I love you.

GULIANO: But you did.

Yes she is but she's played this game long enough to know that some questions are best left unanswered.

GULIANO: You're right, don't answer that.

ALICE: He's in the past Gigi.

GULIANO: Is he?

Another one of those questions best left unreciprocated but as she watches him leave the house she knows their relationship is hanging on a thread.

And the question still hung in the air when she met the rest of the gang for the dinner at Bella's place. Although, she had to make up a lie about why Guliano couldn't make it tonight. She was only too glad when everyone fell for the "He had to work" excuse without any question. She was sure she was going to survive that lie without the hustle but she isn't sure how to survive Jasper and Chanel who have come in together. And that concern she shares with Bella in the kitchen.

ALICE: So JASPER and Chanel, how long has that little nightmare been going on?

BELLA: I don't know, a couple months now.

ALICE: And you didn't tell me?

BELLA: Alice to be quite frank with you, I've just had a lot on my mind. They just sort of crept up on me.

ALICE: You're not the only one. I just want to understand why the two people I know who couldn't stand each other can wind being together.

BELLA: I really wasn't aware it had gone so far. You're right they seem so different that they'd really surprise anyone.

ALICE: Different, honey they are like the North and South of couples. Jasper is this gentle and sensitive guy who is so well mannered and established. Chanel on the other hand is this loud, on your face, undomesticated and rowdy spirit. I don't know what he sees her.

BELLA: You jealous?

ALICE: No I am not jealous.

Yes she is!

ALICE: I'm just saying, I know that he has wanted to be with someone for a long time. I mean even when we were fooling around he told me he was ready to settle down. I am afraid he's got it wrong if he thinks Chanel is that girl for him.

BELLA: And why not, because she's not you?

ALICE: Oh come on Bells. You know me better than that.

BELLA: I know you were seriously into Jasper, so much in fact that you didn't even say goodbye to him when you moved to Pretoria.

ALICE: I had other things on my mind that time.

BELLA: Yes and he was one of them. Look I'm not saying that what you did was wrong. You did what you had to. To save your relationship to Gigi and I am sure that Jasper doesn't see it that way but you did this for him too. You knew that your heart was somewhere else and he deserved to find that someone special for himself as well.

ALICE: But Chanel Bells come on.

BELLA: Ok I'm just gonna come right out and say this even if you end up being mad at me.

ALICE: Dogs get mad Bells; I get upset.

She's gone and made a joke now, she's made this difficult. But anyway it needs to be said.

BELLA: Ok even if you end up being upset with me. (Alice smiles) They are happy. Jasper is happy Alice. And for a while there after you left he wasn't. So I've come to care for him and to want happiness for him and he has that with her. He has that with Chanel. I am sorry if that hurts you but you have to let him go…. Don't get upset because he's finally ready to put you where you've wanted him to put you all along.

ALICE: I know.

Of course he knows. She's right; Bella is always right. She has always had this innate way with relationships… even when she wasn't in one… to know what to say and what to do. Alice acted the way she did last night not because she still loved Jasper but rather because she lost the option of "JASPER". This is unfair simply because… she practically asked him to move on with his life.

ALICE: You're right. You always are. (Pause) I just feel so silly now because Gigi is so mad at me because of what I did last night. He thinks I am in love with Jasper. I don't know how to fix that Bells, it's not like I can talk to him about it.

BELLA: No you can't. So you "beg" to him about it.

ALICE: (Laughing) Beg?

BELLA: Make him see that he's the one you can't live without and not Jasper. Just like everyone else, men like to know they are needed.

ALICE: I don't understand it.

BELLA: It's simple. You tell him that you need him or nag him with calls…

ALICE: No I don't mean that. I mean you and Edward. You're so perfect for each other and it seems to me like you always know what to do.

BELLA: Yes but that's the problem. I am never there when I need advice.

They both laugh.

ALICE: I know that you're sad about the baby.

BELLA: I don't even think about it that much.

ALICE: You lying, if you didn't he'd be here tonight.

She's right, Alice is right. But I wanted him here tonight to show him that I am ready to heal and it was he this time that is driving the wedge between us. But being the host of the party Bella has no time to reflect when suddenly the door bell rings.


	34. Bella's big surprise

_Chapter 33:__ Bella's big surprise._

I open the door, there he stands, and he was supposed to be…

BELLA: Weren't you supposed to be in Egypt.

EDWARD: I wanted to be here instead. Is that going to be a problem?

BELLA: No of course not. I wanted you here.

He comes in and she closes the door.

BELLA: You knocked?

EDWARD: Well I wasn't sure really.

BELLA: It's fine.

I am just really stunned he is here.

EDWARD: I hope I am not too early. I just wanted to be here early cos I didn't want to draw out the attention.

It's fine. I am just really stunned he is here. I've said that already… haven't I?

BELLA: No it's alright. Everyone is here anyway. We're just waiting for Kieran and Terry-Ann to pitch in then we'll serve dinner. Does your father know you're here?

A bold question, shit I shouldn't have asked. It's a make or break question. We either argue or learn to start making up. My big surprise? We learn to start making up.

EDWARD: My marriage has nothing to do with my father.

And what a great start this is.

This is going too well. An hour into the dinner party… Edward and I haven't argued and we've kept our heads. I've served the Italian 3 course and now we just have marvelous conversation in groups over drinks.

First Jasper and Alice.

JASPER: So what really happened to Guliano tonight? Do you feel like telling me?

ALICE: No not really. (Pause) Listen Jasper I really wanted to apologize for last night.

JASPER: I'm the wrong person to apologize to don't you think.

ALICE: I know and I'll apologize to her too, it's just I owe you an apology too. I am sorry for the commotion, guess I just got surprise that the two of you were together and I didn't expect that.

JASPER: You didn't expect me to go on with my life even though you wanted me to?

ALICE: Yes, it's unfair I know but when I saw the two of you together that night; you were kissing her; telling her that you loved her and you wanted to be with her, I got jealous because for so long I was the one you told all those things and now there was someone else… I guess I wasn't sure how to react.

JASPER: I didn't mean to hurt you Alice and I only am with Chanel for loves sake only and not because I want to spite you or something.

ALICE: I know that, of course I know that. You're not that type of that guy. You are considerate and kind. Chanel is really fortunate to have you in her life.

JASPER: I am fortunate to have her.

As they hug, Chanel watches from across the room. She gets worried; is it more than it looks; will it ever change. All she knows is this; she may not like it but Alice will always have a special place in Jasper's heart.

It's uncharted horizons for her but she decides to trust Jasper and just keep company with Kieran instead.

CHANEL: Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you Kieran?

KIERAN: No I don't believe I have been that unlucky.

Kieran notices that she had been looking at Jasper and Alice's hug.

KIERAN: Is that what you think is going on with you and Jasper? You think he doesn't love you?

CHANEL: No actually I mean Jasper and how he has loved her for so long without it being returned. That must have been hard on him.

KIERAN: Yes but he's moved on now. He's found what he's looking for in you.

CHANEL: That's rational; I've found what I'm looking for in him.

Chanel is relieved she has trusted herself with Jasper to know that their relationship is too solid to run over.

I feel like I am the one on my knees now. I want to make sure that Edward and I start building our lives again and he seems impartial… like he's just got to the point where he is ready to turn away from us because he is too tired to pay for the fact that he too lost the baby… I can't let that happen…

I don't want to punish us anymore.

He's in the balcony when I catch up. I use a glass of whisky to get back on his good graces. It works.

EDWARD: Thanks for inviting me, this was a good night.

BELLA: Thanks for coming, it really meant a lot to me.

Alice's going to make a run for it; she wants to catch Guliano before he can fall off asleep. Chanel and Jasper are also going. Kieran and Terry have to meet her parents before they go back to London.

EDWARD: Is this your way of asking me to stay and help with the dishes.

BELLA: (Laughing) would you, I mean if you've got nothing else to do.

He doesn't. I couldn't have it any other way.

We try to keep the dialogue careful as he dries and I wash.

BELLA: You've always hated doing the dishes.

EDWARD: One of the things we have in common. Remember how you use to say that we should get a maid just for the dishes?

BELLA: But you didn't want to. You didn't even want to get the dishwasher cos you thought this was a way for us to get closer.

EDWARD: I think it works.

BELLA: Well your ideas have always been very innovative.

This is very strange, EDWARD and I don't talk about dishes, and we just have way too much to say to each other to talk about… dishes.

BELLA: Is it just me or are we being too careful with each other right now?

EDWARD: Yes it's like we're so concerned about ruining this that we're not being ourselves.

I know theoretically speaking there's nothing wrong with that but I need Edward back not this cautious version of him.

BELLA: Do we fight so much that we have forgotten how to get along?

EDWARD: It's the first time in months we've actually tried to have a lucid conversation.

BELLA: This is going to take some doing. Maybe counseling…

EDWARD: So does that mean you want to…

BELLA: …work at it, yes. I am not saying that I am ready to have you move back in…

EDWARD: I know but this is a start.

He still has to be back at the hotel room for that night but he knew he wasn't interested in those messages he got from Victoria on his voicemail. He and Bella were working on it. He was done with her.


	35. Just Carlisle

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I know you all hate Edward right now, but I wanted to make his character real as possible. We all know men these days aren't as faithful as our Vampward. I hope you get to see some of his redeeming qualities in the end. **

Chapter 34: Just "CARLISLE"

Victoria knows it has all changed. He doesn't have to say. He has been less accessible lately. She's not sure when it happed really but she is sure it can be traced back to that party. She had wanted to go with him but he just wanted to be with his wife instead. She got pushed aside. And while she was willing to accept it for one night, 2 weeks is unacceptable she has to try something.

She opts for a hold up at the office while they prepare for the next meeting in a few minutes.

VICTORIA: I got Joanna to bring you a cup of coffee before your father gets in.

EDWARD: Have her make one of Carlisle as well. I have some personal news I have to share with him so he might be here for a while.

VICTORIA: And me? Don't you have any personal news to share with me?

He plays dumb.

EDWARD: What do you mean?

VICTORIA: I don't know, maybe the reason I haven't seen you in 2 weeks.

EDWARD: You run my schedule Victoria so you know that things have been hectic the last couple of weeks.

VICTORIA: They have always been hectic but we still saw each other but lately you've been treating me like nothing but your assistant...

EDWARD: (Interrupting) but that's what you are… My assistant.

VICTORIA: It sure wasn't like that when I was on my knees sucking your dick and you were screaming my name.

EDWARD: So that doesn't make you my girlfriend. Just because you let me cum in your mouth a couple of times doesn't mean I am now obligated to you. In case it went over your head all this time Victoria... I already have a wife.

VICTORIA: And all those nights you were with me?

EDWARD: Were a mistake... one mistake that I want behind me as of now on... you understand.

Victoria is no fool she can guess the reason for the change.

VICTORIA: She's taken you back... hasn't she?

EDWARD: I don't believe my marriage is any of your business.

VICTORIA: Not anymore you mean because you sure made it my business when you started having sex with me because she wouldn't have sex with you.

Edward knows that the guilt that overruns him every time he thinks about this affair will have this overwhelming affect in him for as long as he lives but he knows he is willing to sweep it under the rug no matter what it takes. He is going to make sure that Bella doesn't find out.

EDWARD: Don't you ever flatter yourself; this was nothing more than just a shag for me.

VICTORIA: Oh yes? Will it be just a shag when I tell Bella about it.

The only time Edward ever gets authorative and as hard as his father is when he is fighting for Bella. And just as he had to sabotage his friendship with Jake to keep her, he pushes Victoria against the wall then holds her face in place to make his point with her.

EDWARD: I won't lose Bella do you understand? There's nothing that I wouldn't do to keep her. So if that means that I have to get rid of you, I will.

VICTORIA: You mean fire me; you can't fire me I've got rights.

She tries to wrestle off him but he proves too strong for her.

EDWARD: What, you're gonna take me to the CCMA. I thought you played a little dirtier than that Victoria. Let me tell you something that only my enemies know; I am my father's son. You don't want to cross me.

VICTORIA: You have nothing on me.

EDWARD: I have everything. See I anticipated that you were going to give me some trouble with all this so I had you investigated and you have some really interesting secrets. Starting with your family, right down to that kid you had when you were in high school but gave away. I know enough to stop you from becoming all that you want to be. I can ravage those small little dreams you have about being a C.E.O that no matter how many execs you fuck just wouldn't matter because it was me you messed with.

VICTORIA: What do you want from me?

EDWARD: I want you to keep your mouth shut about us. I don't want Bella to ever know about it.

VICTORIA: I won't be stopped Edward.

EDWARD: Then you have trouble.

She was really saved by Carlisle coming in at door; otherwise it would have gotten worse. Apart from the disappointment of finding out that the man she was used by the man she loves; she has to leave with his threats as well which she believes aren't so empty.

CARLISLE: Am I interrupting something?

EDWARD: No, Victoria was just going out to get you a cup of coffee, weren't you Victoria?

She looks at him. She's thinking it aint over yet. She will find a way to turn this on her favor. She goes out and Carlisle takes over.

CARLISLE: Always thought you got a little too close to her.

EDWARD: Sometimes you think you're just helping along and then you end up with some dirt in your hands.

CARLISLE: What do you mean?

EDWARD: She knows too much that's all and if she opens her big mouth she might cost me the most important thing in my life.

CARLISLE: Your marriage?

EDWARD: Funny, she thinks I treat this job as the most important thing in my life.

CARLISLE: And what do you think?

EDWARD: I think she's right.

He says sitting down, he's preparing to tell his father exactly how he feels for a change. He is not going to shout or lose his temper just talk to his father like normal human beings. And surprisingly Carlisle gives him that chance and joins him.

EDWARD: And it's strange cos I thought I had everything under control. Bella and I have been married only 6 months but I've let her down so many times already.

CARLISLE: And you think that's because of me.

EDWARD: Not really, I think I have allowed you to set the pace of my life the last couple months and I am not sure why because I am not even happy when working for you.

CARLISLE: Yes I've noticed that but Edward it hasn't been about happiness for us... not for a long time.

EDWARD: The only reason I took this job in the first place is because the baby was in the way and I couldn't see any other way to support my family. And then we got married, Bella quit her job to pursue her writing career. It was positive but what she made at that moment wasn't enough to sustain our cost of living. The house in Linksfield, the fancy cars...

CARLISLE: It still isn't.

EDWARD: Yes I know and now even though the baby isn't coming, we've got this lifestyle to maintain. (Taking a deep breath) This job almost cost me my life and I don't even love it. And you Dad...

That word nearly stopped Carlisle's heart because he hadn't heard it in such a long time.

Edward was 12 years old at the time and he had been too busy working to have time for his only son, so boarding school was his only recourse. He came back to visit that Christmas and the boy hardly said a word to him. At that time it didn't seem like a problem; Carlisle just blamed the aunt that was visiting as well who hardly let them spend any time together.

But when he got kicked out of boarding school only a year later they had that huge argument... the argument where he found out that Edward was so angry at him and no longer thought of him as a father. It wasn't true of course but Carlisle still doesn't know why he never bothered to sort that out. All this time has passed and he knows that still affects the nature of their relationship. But the Carlisle thing came later, in high school in fact.

It didn't surprise him... not really... for years he had been just "Carlisle" for a long time.

He's still just "Carlisle" but after all those years when he didn't bother, he wants to start bothering with his only son.

EDWARD: ... you Dad... you know I think I wanted this baby more than she did even though it was her idea. I wanted it more but she wanted for the right reasons. She wanted the baby because she loved me and wanted to prove that she could give me the kind of life that we wanted.

CARLISLE: Nothing wrong with that!

EDWARD: No but my reasons for this baby were very different and self-centered. When she asked if we could make a baby, I said yes because in my head I thought: this is my chance to prove what I've always known inside me, that I am not like him, that I can be the father to my son that he...

CARLISLE: ... I never was to you.

They have both been living in this pain for so long because they both have tried so hard not to understand each other while it would have been easy to understand each other because they are the same person.

EDWARD: I guess I just wanted to put you behind and I was counting on this baby to give me that. It's desperate of me, you don't have to say. (Pause) How is it that we can work together so well professionally but be dreadful as father and son?

CARLISLE: I think we have much more respect for each other professional opinion because it's proven unlike you know... that other thing.

EDWARD: (Laughing)

CARLISLE: So you are saying that this isn't what you want with your life.

EDWARD: Yes but it's strange because apart from the unreasonable hours I enjoy working with you. You're so powerful and vital because you're not afraid to take those decisions that determine the direction of this company.

CARLISLE: I have to; this company means everything to me, to my family.

EDWARD: Yes but see Dad I don't think I could do what you do...

CARLISLE: why, because you have a heart and you care what happens to people but mostly because you wouldn't want to fail Bella like I failed your mother.

EDWARD: She means everything to me.

CARLISLE: Edward, you are already so different from me, what makes you think that even if you took over the company you couldn't keep your marriage running.

EDWARD: Because I see so much of you in me it scares me. The way I have handled Victoria, my best friend Jake...

CARLISLE: So you could make those important and vital decisions you were referring to earlier.

Edward looks at his father; he could take those decisions but...

EDWARD: Not at the expense of my marriage, no. Because as much I hope that one day you and I will sort itself out, I'd pick her over you anytime.

And why not, Carlisle has picked his work ahead of his son all these years. He can't be wounded because his son has found his passion.

CARLISLE: Yes you can be like me at times. You don't let anyone push you around, you want to dictate the rules and you don't want to be spoon fed, you want to earn your own way and all of that is fine but you are also so unpretentious, liberal and you care about others. Like Victoria... I never would have done what you did for that girl.

EDWARD: Yes but that came back to bite me in the ass.

CARLISLE: But you believe in people more than I ever did and that's why I am trying so hard to show you that you belong here, that you're the future of this company. Without you here... I don't think I'd trust anyone to make the right choices for this place.

EDWARD: You think I can do both, run a family and take care of this place.

CARLISLE: I know you can.

Yes this doesn't feel like something Edward wants to be doing with his life but he knows for his father this couldn't have been an easy speech to give.

It's arranged, Edward and I are having dinner together. We opted for something formal and settle on meeting in a couple of hours.

EDWARD: No we don't have to meet there; I want to pick you up. Come on I know your independent but give me my chance to be a gentleman for a nice change. And besides if we're going to do the dating game all over again then we must as well do it right.

It's settled then, he'll pick me up at nine. He's right; this does feel like dating all over again which means the constant pressure of the process is back.

Forgive me if I am not really sure what to wear tonight, I thought Edward and I were done trying to present our best sides.

The first time round we didn't have to do this. Things just sort of led us to the meeting, the spending time together and eventually the marriage. This time around we are more traditional in our approach and I don't know how to do that.

I am onto my 3rd dress. Its 8:30 and I still don't know what to wear. I like the black dress I have on now but it's suggestive. I don't want to give Edward the impression that I am the type of woman that puts out on the first night.

I could just wear my skinny jeans, white draped top and my heels but I am leaning further away from that because...

BELLA: He did say that it was a formal dinner.

Which brings me to that other dress? I have never been huge fan of gold but right now it seems like such a level-headed middle ground. I sure wish Alice was here right now but she's out with her mother to the movies and I don't want to make a nuisance of myself.

Surely I can dress myself; even just for one night.

I make a decision; gold it is and it flies very well if I may say so myself. The only downside of this decision making process is that I have lost 15 minutes and I haven't a lot of time left for the makeup and shoe selection.

This is going to go down to the wire.

I narrow down my time in the mirror with the make up to 7 minutes and just as I had finished putting on my shoes the door bell goes off.

Edward! Shit!

BELLA: Why is he always on time?

I have every intention of sharing with him that thought as I open the door but have to bite my tongue when I see that it's not Edward staring back at me but rather...

BELLA: Jake?

Yes Jake... Remember him? Tall, white, dark hair, really good looking... love of my life?

Yes how could you forget?

JACOB: Surprise!

Excuse me here mister but I think we just went passed surprised to flabbergasted zone. I know technically it's the same thing but flabbergasted sounds way more powerful.

BELLA: Yes, yes it is.

I draw a deep breath. I am really just so taken aback right now, I can't manufacture a reaction. It's like everything has just stopped and I don't know how to get myself in gear again.

JACOB: So are you that stunned that you won't even give me a hug.

Yes a hug, should probably and it would be great if only...

BELLA: ...my feet won't move.

Jake bursts out laughing. He has certainly provoked the kind of consequence he was aiming for.

JACOB: Fine, then I'll come to you.

Warm, he feels so warm. How is that possible, he's been living in Europe for 6 months?

JACOB: Em told me where you live so I just thought I stepped by tonight.

BELLA: That's great. When did you get here?

JACOB: I'll be more than happy to tell once you invite me in.

Right!

BELLA: I am sorry, come in. (Showing him in) I am just so surprised you're here.

I follow him into the lounge. He's led himself in. I still don't believe he is the one staring back at me.

JACOB: Em thought you might be but I told him it's what I wanted. He wasn't so sure Edward would be ok with it but...

Edward yes! No he wouldn't be happy with Jake being here but he's on the way over to pick me up and Jake well... he is here. I haven't lived in this panic since he left for Dublin all those months. Which by the way... I just have to say... feel like such a lifetime ago when weighed against the reality of this moment.

JACOB: ... he also told me that Edward hasn't lived here for a while.

Oh well. Em has gone and told Jake everything about my marriage. I know it was only a matter of time before he found out but really I was kinda hoping I would be the one to tell him. But why have the luxury of making your own decisions when Emmett is involved. I could kill him.

Now I understand why Alice has some issues with that boy, he is so invasive. And what the heck kinda name is Emmett anyway. It sounds gay, if not... circus like. Emmett the clown, how fitting.

JACOB: Why didn't you tell me?

BELLA: That my marriage was in trouble. (Pause) because you wanted to start with a less complicated question.

JACOB: How long now?

BELLA: A couple of months now. But we're working on it.

EDWARD: Yes we are.

I have no idea how long he's been standing there but he picked the right time to announce his presence. And I am seemingly the only who is frozen by the presence of Jake. Edward has taken to it very well.

EDWARD: Jake!

JACOB: Edward

Yes time has passed since these two men were in the same room but not enough to ensure that the grudge has repaired itself.

EDWARD: I was wondering when you were going to find yourself here.

Wait!

BELLA: You knew he was back?

EDWARD: 2 days now, right?

BELLA: How did you know?

JACOB: Edward knows everything. Oh you can't put anything passed Edward Cullen. Reminds me of a very controlling man I use know... Carlisle Cullen. I'd say the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

EDWARD: Em told me.

Em again. Maybe I should give him a call, make sure he is present in this conversation.

I mean really God forbid something happen in my life and not have Em be involved. An injustice, a catastrophe...

BELLA: Why didn't you tell me?

EDWARD: Guess I haven't had the opportunity. We have to go otherwise we might lose our reservation.

Wow! He is just ready to go on with his life as if the presence of Jake doesn't alter our marriage in any way. What would he do if he knew that I once loved Jake more than I did him? What would he do if he knew the truth? Would he still be fighting to patch things up or would he lose his enthusiasm with me, as he didn't when I lost his baby.

JACOB: I can take a hint.

EDWARD: I'll get your coat in the meantime, its cold out.

He disappears upstairs as I take Jake's presence in.

BELLA: It's really overwhelming that you're here. I feel like I am making this up, like if Edward and I go out to dinner then I'll have no other choice but to wake up and you'll be...

JACOB: ... gone?

And that I could lose you all over again.

JACOB: You and I have a lot to talk about so I think I'll stay for a while.

BELLA: Good.

I just wanted to stay home after that. I don't know what for. I have always loved being alone with my thoughts but I am married to Edward I don't get to love another man. I am trying so hard to hide it from Edward but I have been rattled by Jake's come back but I know he can tell. What was that Jake said; Edward knows everything.

This dinner hasn't been as pleasant as we both wanted in the beginning of the night.

BELLA: I can't believe you didn't tell me he was back.

EDWARD: I don't see what the big deal is.

Of course he sees...

EDWARD: ...Jonathan from sales came back from Dubai last week. You're not upset because I didn't tell you about him.

BELLA: This is different?

EDWARD: No. Jonathan means nothing to us as with Jake.

BELLA: He is your friend.

EDWARD: A man that guns for my wife behind my back is no friend of mine.

He knows, he knows how Jake feels about me but does he know how I feel for Jake. I hope that is a secret that I have guarded properly. If he knows he chooses not to tell me now.

BELLA: How did you...

EDWARD: It's obvious.

BELLA: All this was before he left?

EDWARD: Bells you're not naive, you know he wouldn't be here unless he thought there was some kind of chance for the two of you. I wonder where he gets that impression.

He's too decent to come at me with the accusation... well that or he's too insecure to think that I might love Jake more than I love him.

EDWARD: Come on.

BELLA: Where are we going?

EDWARD: I can take a lot of things Bells but I am here trying to work on our marriage and I won't have you thinking about him, not on my time.

He knows, god dammit he knows.

EDWARD: Guess I have to start trusting what we have.

He drops me off at home and I am already feeling guilty by the time he drives away. There's nothing I can say to remedy the war of this love triangle.

We're both spending the night with other people. While Jake and I stop at just catching up, Victoria is only too keen to have Edward share the bed with her again.

**A/N: they both can be assholes cant they? Review please :_) **


	36. Chanel's uncomfortable discovery

_**Chapter 35: Chanel's uncomfortable discovery**_

She was only sneaking into Victoria's room to steal her favorite shoes from the closet but what she saw instead turned out to be a life altering moment, not only for herself but for Bella as well.

She knows why they left the door so carelessly open because they were not counting on her being here tonight. She was supposed to be spending the night at Jasper's but she needed those shoes for an interview she had in the morning. She wished she hadn't now because as she silently stares at the Edward and Victoria's sleeping faces; she has never felt so uncomfortable.

She knew all this time of Victoria's intention but she didn't think she'd win... because of Edward. Because of his decorum, his warmth, his love for Bella... she didn't think this moment was possible.

Her mind is racing, she's thinking about Bella, her friend and how this will change her life forever. She's thinking how she is going to tell her what she knows because there's no way she could keep it. No, because she is better than he is. She will never betray her with that lie; she has a responsibility to their friendship, one that he's forgotten he has with their marriage.

She thinks about how this will affect Bella. She use to be strong and lately there's been too much happening to challenge her that she has turned into a vulnerable person that can snap at any time and this will no doubt add to that harsh method.

CHANEL: Edward how could you do this to her?

It only came out as a whisper but the question was so potent that it was enough to get Edward back from his sleep. He opens his eyes and just a single look his eyes met hers. He knew immediately the trouble of this implication although his reaction was slightly gradual.

Yes Edward now knows what it means when they say; it all happened so fast.

But Chanel's presence he did record, just as he did the implications of her having this knowledge but he couldn't get himself to go after her when she ran out of the room. He knew his days were numbered.

Chanel hasn't said a word to no one, not even Jasper who has been so concerned because of how withdrawn she has been.

She lied and said it's because she had a cold while the truth is this; she hates the truth she has stumbled into because it puts her in an awkward place. Bella is her friend and she doesn't want to see her hurt and while she has her own truths to defend this isn't about her. She isn't hesitating to tell the truth because she's afraid of Victoria's bullying but is hesitating because she didn't believe it was her place to say something.

Wasn't that Edward's burden? She could say something but then end up being the culprit because Bella may not be ready to hear the truth about her husband. And who could blame her.

Edward has everyone fooled with that innocent looking face and modesty that it wouldn't be easy for anyone to believe the type of man he's become the last couple of months.

She's been itching to discuss this with Jasper but he's such a great friend of Bella's he'll want tell her immediately and Chanel is not sure that is the best course of action.

Funny! She still thinks Edward isn't completely liable for the way things have turn. She must think then that he still loves Bella as much as Chanel has always known. So she drives up to Edward's office to have a chat to him and was only too happy that Victoria had knocked off work and she could just let herself in.

He didn't seem to be in a hurry home when she knocked at the door. He looked up and said nothing for some time. He has been expecting this.

CHANEL: No one was at reception so I let myself in.

EDWARD: Everyone has gone home.

This won't get easier the longer they continue with small talk, best to just get to the point.

CHANEL: I know you love Bella. I have a feeling this isn't about that.

EDWARD: No it isn't.

CHANEL: But you're not the only one that loves her. I don't want to see her hurt Edward and won't have her hate me when she finds out and I didn't tell her even when I knew.

EDWARD: (Nodding) You want me to tell her!

CHANEL: Yes otherwise I will have to.

EDWARD: It's not fair of me to put you in that position, this is my responsibility and I have to take care of it.

Chanel nods, content with the way Edward has come through which tells her that this hasn't changed the decent man that he is... he just simply made a mistake but now the question is will Bella see it the same way.

CHANEL: I'm glad.

EDWARD: You're not going to judge me?

CHANEL: I wouldn't be the right person to do that, I have made too many mistakes not to understand where you coming from. But what I don't understand is; she is perfect for you. You know with me... my boyfriend was always hitting me and abusing me. I know it's no excuse but I slept with all those other men just to hurt him much deeper than he has hurt me. Bella has been nothing but good to you, why would you want to hurt

her this way?

EDWARD: I didn't... that's what crazy about this whole thing that the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt Bella. I love her and she's the only one I want to keep and yet I did everything in my power to make sure that I couldn't.

CHANEL: You've already started to speak of yourself in the past tense. This isn't over

Edward

She helped you make this mess; she can help you clean it up.

All Edward can think about is when would the best time be to deliver this disappointment and with Jacob being a regular feature in their lives he feels they stand no chance


	37. I deserve

_**Chapter 36: I deserve**_

This is the first time Guliano has agreed to spend some time with Alice since their big argument. They both were not sure how this was supposed to go when they met up for breakfast that morning but they trusted everything to get itself back on track.

ALICE: I have never eaten here but Bells says she and Edward use to come here all the time and it's great.

GULIANO: I guess they know best, they are the ones with all the money.

_He continues looking at the menu not ready to offer conversation. She looks at him annoyed. Why..._

ALICE: ...did you agree to meet me here if you still won't talk to me.

GULIANO: I am talking to you Alice, I just don't want to say the wrong things.

ALICE: So say them.

GULIANO: You would prefer I did?

ALICE: Yes at least you would be talking to me instead of this silent treatment I'm getting that makes me confused.

GULIANO: You're confused? You? You're confused. But you're not the one with a girlfriend that loves another man.

ALICE: I am not in love with Jasper.

GULIANO: Yes and because you don't love him, you go pour a 5 liter bucket of water on the mattress that he and his new girlfriend sleep in.

ALICE: That was stupid Gigi, I don't know what got over me. It doesn't mean anything. I had a chance to talk to Jasper.

GULIANO: You talked to the guy?

ALICE: Don't get so excited, it was at that dinner Bella threw me... you know the one you refuse to come to. I told him that I just overreacted and that it meant nothing and guess he was ok with that. He really loves Chanel as much as I love you and I don't wanna lose what we have Gigi, I don't.

GULIANO: So you telling me that this guy is not a threat.

ALICE: He never was and I am surprised at how easily you think I want to replace you.

GULIANO: And why not, I have done everything to deserve it. I don't understand why you stay Alice. I have messed you up so many times.

ALICE: So you want me to leave you?

GULIANO: No that's the thing I don't but I don't understand why you haven't seen that I

am not right for you.

ALICE: Because I don't want anyone else Gigi, I want you and if that means that I have to wait for you to sort through your shit then I will... just don't ask me to think that I can do better than you because you deserve it after everything you put me through. I am big girl and I know exactly what I am getting myself into.

She won't ever know it but his response to that was a faint smile, he appreciates this girl more than he is letting on and no matter what happened with Jasper, he's not making space for anyone else. As far as Alice goes he likes being number one and there he will stay for a long time to come.

**A/N: Just a filler chapter to take it off B & E! What do you think about Alice?**


	38. illusions Edwards's interlude

_**Chapter 37**__**: illusions... Edwards's interlude **_

As I lay here staring at the ceiling slowly drifting off, thinking...but nothing worth thinking about, just waiting for sleep to pick me up.

Though most of the time it's the best part of my day. It's my time out... a break to catch my breath. My moment of silence, a place I can find some space to feel real. When sleep comes I can unhook myself from life. Then without any reality, I get to live my own for a moment...in my dreams. And while fading into the last moments of this summer night, these are the last thoughts of this day. I'm still on the wrong side of my life wondering if a leopard could ever really change its spots. The spots gives it an identity.

Will there always be fiction in the spaces between? Maybe it's a truth we

all deny, choosing to exist in the grand scheme of this abstract reality we call life. And it being so gigantic how does one overcome this illusion.

_BELLA: So when did you decide it was time to come home._

_JACOB: Well I was done with a project that I was working on and my boss had nothing else for me to do for a couple of weeks so I just thought I take this time to see everyone. My family especially my mother. And I must say that talking to you on the phone, just catching up on everyone's lives and what they are doing it only made me more anxious to come back._

_BELLA: We didn't think we'd ever get to see you again. I am sure your mother must be very thrilled to have you back_.

_JACOB: Yes she is. I like to believe that she is not the only one. (pause)_

_BELLA: No she isn't. (pause) but you're happy there, I mean you're not talking about moving back here anytime soon._

_JACOB: I've thought about it a lot lately but I guess I wouldn't do unless I had a really good reason to you know and so long as you don't give me one._

_BELLA: Don't! You don't get to complicate my life like that right now. You're back, yes and I am very happy to see you again but I still have my own life... one that you refuse to be a part of all those months ago._

JACOB: You were pregnant with Edward's baby and you were begging me to stay, I have no idea how that would have worked as well as you wanted it too.

_BELLA: Well you left and Edward and I stayed. I can't just ignore the life that I have had when you were not here. It matters too._

_JACOB: But you're not happy_.

_BELLA: Oh we use to be. It's just when I lost the baby all these things started happening, all these things we couldn't fight against and all these other issues we were not aware we had..._

_JACOB: Like what?_

_BELLA: Like the fact that we moved here and I quit my job so that meant that Edward had to work for his father who happens to despise me and everything I am. He despises me because I am black, because I am a writer, because I like tennis..._

_JACOB: (Laughing)_

_BELLA: I know it's crazy but that's how it is. And all this time I had myself convinced that it didn't matter because it didn't matter to Edward._

_But when Richard starts proving his influence by making sure that he's got something to do all the time to make sure he makes it late at home yet another night then you realize just what you are up against._

JACOB: But I suppose it's a matter of choice as well. He doesn't have to obey his father, he's a grown man who can make up his own mind.

_BELLA: Yes but I know where he is coming from. None of this comes easy of cheap. You know after I stopped working, I moved in here with him and got used to this lifestyle. I had my own credit card with no limit, this big closet with all my expensive clothes and shoes, my car installments; he's working to make sure that we maintain this lifestyle._

_JACOB: Oh come on Bells, Edward has money, he always had money and just because he's suddenly started using it doesn't mean that he's going to run out because of you._

_BELLA: I know that but it doesn't mean that his father is going to hand it to him on a silver plate. Yes I get that he has to work but then I lost the baby and then I started to see just how much I missed my husband and the life we shared when he still hated his father and adding tattoos in his honor. (_Jake smiles)_ You must think I am terrible._

_JACOB: No I think you're great_. (Gently touching her face)

_BELLA: I shouldn't be talking to you about all this._

_JACOB: You're right. We should be talking about us and how we can figure out a way to be together._

_BELLA: You're just determine to be impossible right now._

_JACOB: Well I am not a two time loser, I learn from my mistakes and I don't wanna have to wait to tell you what it is I truly feel about you and then lose you like I did that first time around. This time I am making my feelings clear, to you and to everyone else... even Edward. I love you and I am here to try and make you see that marrying Edward was the greatest mistake you've ever made because you know as well as I do that I am the one you've always wanted and not him_.

_BELLA:_ (Taking a deep breath)

_JACOB: Well I love you too. And people who love each other should be together instead of apart, I seriously believe that._

He's given me a new look at things, something to think about. I toss and turn that night thinking about both men. It seems I have a decision to make. I just wish that there was something that could make it easier. Just a couple of days ago I was ready to welcome my husband back in my life but as Jake had done before he left, he has underestimated the bond that Edward and I share. It's proven strong yet again that morning when I call him at dawn.

_BELLA: Am I the only one?_

_EDWARD: The only one who what?_

_BELLA: Who sometimes hears him cry at night, so hard in fact that I crawl out in bed, walk to his room just to give him the attention he needs. It's the only dream I ever have since I lost him. It's funny right because we didn't have a room for him yet._

The guilt that Edward feels about his affair is now fuller than it was before he had this story. So full in fact he wanted to die from it. The only just punishment for what he has done to the woman he loves.

_BELLA: I just miss him. I miss the excitement we had for our lives because of him. The joy of endless possibilities that came with knowing that we feel for each other was finally going to be real, you know what I mean..._

_EDWARD: Yes I know._

I didn't expect myself to be crying but I am touched by the strength of this moment. I am doing what I haven't been able to do with Edward since the miscarriage; I am sharing with him my pain. He's the only person who should know this side of me.

_BELLA: And I saw you changing too, believing in us more..._

_EDWARD: I've always believed in us._

_BELLA: Yes but that baby secured you, made you... how did you say... believe in us a little bit more. The first time since we were together that happened. (pause) And I took that away because I couldn't guard it as well as you wanted me to._

_EDWARD: This wasn't your fault Bells._

_BELLA: In my brain yes I know that but in my heart I keep feeling that I've messed us up, that I robbed our relationship of its growth and evolution._

_EDWARD: You are not the one at fault, I am. If anyone is to blame for getting us here in this manner it's me._

_BELLA: Why? Cos you were working? You were doing what was necessary to make sure that the baby was taken care of, provided for. Youhave been nothing but patient with me..._

_EDWARD: Don't say that!_

_BELLA: And now this Jake thing. _(Crying)_ How did you even know. How could you even tolerate me after that. I have treated you so poorly._

_EDWARD: Because I have done so much worse to you. My sins pale in comparison to what you're counting as your own. I am not the good man you think you married Bella._

_BELLA: What are you talking about? You will always be that man..._

_EDWARD: Bella you don't understand. What I have done to you is the ultimate betrayal, disloyalty of the worst kind..._

He's starting to alarm me. Something tells me that we're not just talking about the baby anymore but something that he thinks will make me see him in his true light. He doesn't want to tell me over the phone but I can't wait either so he's going to drive over here_._

It's a 15 minute drive to get here from where he is but for some reasons it feels longer. I am drowning in assumption and killing myself with insecurity that it's effect is dizzying. I pour myself a glass of brandy to just try and give this blinding intoxication a host. I keep thinking of his words... the ultimate betrayal. I can only think of one thing and I don't believe Edward would ever hurt me like that.

_BELLA: He loves me right. He wouldn't love me and then hurt me like that would he._

_And if he was capable of such a crime, who would she be. Who could she possibly be? A blonde girl, the most beautiful girl that ever lived because that's the girl I always thought he should be with. If he has indeed shared his life with someone else, it means that he has finally come to his senses and saw me as the mistake I always thought I was. But I was the one he married, the one he promised to be true to, the one who cannot turn the blame upon herself if this in fact does turn out to be the truth he wants to reveal to me._

_BELLA: No, no I am driving myself crazy for nothing. EDWARD loves me, he always has. And I am just projecting my feelings for Jake onto him, he_

_could never do to me what I've thought about doing to him over and over. Because if he did..._

_I'd have every right to be angry with him._

He doesn't knock, he comes right in to the bar upstairs which I have chosen as the scene of this dramatic encounter. I am into my 3rd glass already; it's definitely an affair at this point. I have thought of everything to convince myself that it couldn't be anything else.

And handling such a betrayal isn't light, it needs me at my strongest but I am afraid just the mere small confession from him will knock me off my feet. I have such a good looking husband. His looks are so arrogant that even with the lights off, and at his worst as a human being, they dominate the room annoyingly.

He does nothing but look at me for a while. We are both gearing up for the fight of our lives.

_BELLA: Is it another woman?_

There's no settle way to approach such subjects. And although I have always been very careful with my words, tonight I can be let off the hook for not being so careful.

_EDWARD: BELLA_!

_BELLA: don't fuck around with me Edward, just tell me the truth. This secret you want to confess to me, this 'ultimate betrayal' you want to confess to me, is it another woman._

_EDWARD: You have to let me explain._

_BELLA:_ (With a sigh)_ There's an explanation for it. An explanation for why you are having an affair. Really there is? Because I am not interested. Nothing that you say or do can make me be okay with my husband... my husband sleeping with another woman._

_EDWARD: I didn't mean for it to happen, it just sort of did. We were just always so hateful of each other, fighting and everything that I think I did the only thing I could master as a reaction out of me_

_BELLA: ok so then it's okay._

_EDWARD: BELLA!_

_BELLA: No it's fine. Lord knows it was difficult for you to love your own wife you deserved to be with someone else... as a... reaction you say._

_EDWARD: You have to understand I died inside all that time we were apart and every time I thought we could work things out, you pushed me back out... _

_BELLA: So then it's my fault. You're having an affair because of me. Because I was grieving the loss of the child we were expecting together it was my fault. Yes I see how it could be. While I was waiting for my wounds to heal and my aches to subside because of the child that we lost I wasn't there enough for you. So yes then it is my fault._

_EDWARD: _(Shaking his head)_ why do you always have to make all these hurtful sarcastic remarks..._

_BELLA:_ (Yelling) B_ecause I am bitter Edward! My husband has just confessed having an affair with another woman I think I am entitled to every bitter emotion I can conjure up at the moment._

I need another drink. So I pour myself one.

_BELLA: And just to think I thought I was driving myself crazy for nothing, beating myself up thinking that you were not capable of hurting me like this._

_EDWARD: It wasn't my intention._

_BELLA: What did you think was going to happen once I knew that you had this other life that you were living behind my back that was going to destroy our marriage. Did you think I'd congratulate you on ruining our lives, give you a pat in the back, send you off to conquer the world with a huge grin and a 'good boy'. You knew what you were doing and what it was going to do to us but you still did it, it's a little too late to try and be innocent now._

_EDWARD: You think I came here, trying to look innocent. You think I wanted to confess all of this because I wanted to look innocent?_

_BELLA: Maybe for your guilt, I don't know. You sure as hell didn't do me a favor._

_EDWARD: So then I set out to hurt you intentionally. I woke up that morning and thought: heck it's a great day to fuck up the only woman that I have truly loved because well... the temperature is right and sun is shining bright._

_BELLA: The only woman you ever truly loved? This is how you treat the only woman you ever truly loved? I feel anxious for those who cross you._

_EDWARD: I don't know what got over me..._

_BELLA: The insanity defense, classic. You're not even going to own up to what you did, are you?_

_EDWARD: But it's true. I mean I don't even love Victoria..._

_BELLA: Victoria?_

His secretary?

_BELLA: You cheated on me with that skinny blonde tramp who calls herself your P.A.? What you don't even love me enough to cheat on me with a decent woman?_

_EDWARD: She was just there and you and I were having so much trouble._

_BELLA: ...that you just had to fuck her._

_EDWARD: Stop it! Don't be condescending of my feelings for you; they are the only thing real I feel._

_BELLA: And to prove that to me you sleep with another woman._

_EDWARD: You really have to understand Bella, she means nothing to me._

_BELLA: But that's exactly what makes this worse. You keep saying that to me as if I am gonna take it and feel honored or something..._

_EDWARD: ...I don't expect that._

_BELLA: but it makes it worse because now I certainly don't know what it is I did wrong. If you loved her more than you did me then there would be some lunacy to the whole thing, because now you're jeopardizing your everything... for nothing._

_EDWARD:_ (Quickly) _no, no I can't lose you, I don't wanna lose you. You can't be getting ready to tell me that everything we are now isn't because I made one stupid mistake._

_BELLA: A mistake? What were you trying to put it in, her purse? A mistake is when you_ _spell out a word wrong on an assignment, or when you transfer the wrong call to the wrong person at work, affairs are not mistakes_ _Edward. They are deceitful, calculated and cruel, so don't you dare tell me that you love me or that you didn't mean to hurt me because that's exactly what you did whether or not you set out to achieve it._

EDWARD_: Ok so I messed up, I will own up and it's not because you kicked me out, or because we lost a child but because I'm stupid and I don't know what got over me. I am sorry_...

_BELLA: Oh please don't apologize. You just told me that you have been unfaithful and as much as I am sure those words will mean something to me one day, this is not the time. Allow me to feel this pain that comes with knowing that you have given another woman the kind of attention that you promised to give only me._

_What, Edward was I the only one who said those vows..._

_EDWARD: No!_

_BELLA: ...the only one who meant them._

_EDWARD: I meant them too._

_BELLA: So then why..._

Oh Bella you're not gonna start crying now. You're not going to start showing him that with just a confession he has changed your heart forever, filled it with the kind of resentment you always thought would be too much to hold in. You're not going to start showing him that you love him enough to care that you are the only one he holds in his heart.

Come on Bella he doesn't get to see that he's hurt beyond repair, or that he has made you feel weak and not like the strong woman you use to resemble every time he held you. You have started crying, you have showed him your heart and that part of you he will never deserve no matter what he does from now on.

_BELLA: ...why would you let another woman in the same way you let me in when you're not suppose to even look at another the same way._

_Why would she be worth of your good jokes and laughs when I thought you put them on just for me. How could you show someone else that man who is so strong willed and committed when it is me you've promised to me all those things to..._

_EDWARD: Come on Bella._

_BELLA: I feel so embarrassed, is that what you wanted to do, to embarrass me and make me feel betrayed, to punish me for losing the child you so wanted in your life..._

_EDWARD: Bella No!_

Oh God I am getting him to cry as well, have I woken the guilt I always knew he'd feel if he did something like this_.._

_EDWARD: ...I am not punishing you, it's not what happened_!

_BELLA: then what? How do I explain this to myself? You are the only man who has ever loved me and if this is the best that you can do, the best is not good enough because it just doesn't make any sense. I know that we ran into some trouble the last couple of months but I was inside this house every night just trying to figure out my way back to you because it killed me to just be so sad about the miscarriage and I knew I was pushing you away, I knew but I did what I thought I had to do to save us. Because this marriage means everything to me, you mean everything to me. While I was doing that, you were with someone else, trying to solve a problem inside this marriage outside of it. I don't understand how that works, we're supposed to be in this together._

_EDWARD: We are!_

_BELLA: No Edward I am alone. You have left me alone, just as you did every time your father kept you away or that morning of the miscarriage and now you have left me alone in this marriage and there's nothing that could be said or done to fix that. Things have changed._

_EDWARD: I can't explain myself, that I realize and I can't apologize because whatever I say just cannot make up for what I have done, how I have wronged you but I can find my way around those things, around many things but I can't find my way around you. I know there's got to be a way_

_we can fix this._

_BELLA: We? So suddenly because I want you out of my life, you're ready to be a team._

_EDWARD: I know what I did was wrong and God I would die many times over just to prove to you that I wouldn't do anything without you. To show you that this was a mistake and I wouldn't do it again and that I don't want to lose you..._

_BELLA: But you have. You have lost me and it happened all the time you touched her, kissed her...made love to her._

_He closes his eyes and the tears roll down his cheek. He is right in the middle of his biggest nightmare._

_BELLA: I can't stay with you after all this Edward._

_EDWARD:_ (Quickly_) no, no... _(He rushes over to her)_ you stay with me because of everything that we have been through. You don't give up because things get a little complicated..._

_BELLA: This is not a complication Edward, it's an affair. I could never look at you the same way after all this. I couldn't feel the love I feel for you without the resentment that comes from knowing that what you feel for me wasn't strong you enough to stop you from doing this. At that he has no retaliation,_

_BELLA: I don't know how to forgive you for this._

He feels defeat. He has taken the blame so willingly. He didn't bring Jake up, or Victoria or even the fact that she has betrayed him since the very day they have been together and that her betrayal had been stronger even though she never acted on it. He took the blame on his shoulders not because he wanted to be a man but because he truly believes in the wrong that he has done and recognizes it as his own and no one else's.

_EDWARD:_ (nodding)_I know._

I turn away from him, having a monologue that he can clearly hear.

_BELLA: Oh Lord it has been just one thing after another. I have to have done something to deserve this. I believed in this, I believed in him but why does everyone I love leave me instead. The only emotion that ever stays is pain. Is this the only emotion that will keep me company till I die? What about love God_... (turning to look at Edward.) _What about love?_

We sit in silence till the sun rises. This used to be so easy. I use to look at him and feel nothing but love but now this very same person who gave me the best memories of my life is the very same person who has given me hate. There's just too much feeling now, it's overtaking me. I feel love, I feel hate, I feel fear, I feel relief, I feel anxiety, I feel reprieve. I am tired and yet I can run miles without stopping just to seek lunacy. Who is this woman who feels all these things? The woman who is capable of losing her mind and staying down forever. I don't know how to overcome her. She is so strong.

_BELLA: You're right, you are no longer the man I married._

I step into the shower and as the water runs down on me I let the tears run too. He hasn't stayed in the bar for long, he comes to the bathroom, listening to me cry.

Torturing himself with the knowledge that he was responsible for all of this. And just when he was sure he will remember them for the rest of his life, he left the house to do grieving of his own.

As soon as I finish in the bathroom, I drive to Jake's place. He is alone when I get there, I am so glad, he flings his arms around me and tells me it's ok when I cry. I believe him.


	39. Team Edward vs Team Bella

**Chapter 38: Team Edward VS Team Bella**

Chanel is finally ready to tell Jasper the truth. He is more understanding than she was prepared for.

_JASPER: Have you tried calling her today?_

_CHANEL: All morning but she's not answering._

_JASPER: And Edward?_

_CHANEL: He isn't either. Do you think he's told her?_

_JASPER: I don't know. Did he look like he wanted more time._

_CHANEL: No he just owned up to it and said that he wanted to be the one to tell her. Regardless of what Edward has done, he's a decent man, he just made a mistake._

_JASPER: Yes but I don't think Bella is quite ready to see things that way. Maybe I should call Em, see if he's heard from Edward._

_CHANEL: Ok_

He disappears to the bedroom while Chanel tries a confrontation of a different kind. She calls Victoria.

_CHANEL: Is he there with you?_

She rudely posed that question to Victoria who was at their flat in Benoni packing.

_VICTORIA: Who?_

_CHANEL: Edward, is he there with you?_

_VICTORIA: I haven't seen Edward since this morning when he fired me._

_CHANEL: He fired you?_

_VICTORIA: Yes he did. He said he couldn't bear to look at me, let alone work in the same office with me so he fired me. And because he knows too much about my stupid past, I can't even sue his ass or he'll have my head on a stick. Yes he said that to me._

_CHANEL: Wow you're not the only one who can threaten other people...vicious._

_VICTORIA: I don't need your sarcastic remarks right now. I know those rich folks you hang out with lately have clouded your head but I know the real Chanel and she doesn't get to act holier than though with me. Edward was with me all those nights willingly and now I'm the bad guy because he's decided to be stupid enough to confess to his wife._

_CHANEL: That confession may have just saved him that marriage._

_VICTORIA: If she forgives him then Bella is more distorted than I have imagined her to be._

_CHANEL: that woman has been nothing but good to you Victoria and you've replayed her with lies and sleeping with her husband and you still can't even force yourself to feel guilty about all of this._

_VICTORIA: Excuse me for not being a saint and thinking of myself when no one ever has. We both had an affair and I am the one who loses her job, her friend and reputation while he walks away unscarred. Pardon me if I can't feel sorry for them._

_CHANEL: I did warn you Victoria. (Pause) So what are you gonna do now?_

_VICTORIA: I am going to move back in with my father for a while, just until I can figure something out. I just know I can't be around here anymore._

_CHANEL: I don't know what to say._

_VICTORIA: don't say anything; you've already made up your mind._

_CHANEL: So I guess I'll see you around._

_She hangs up just as Jasper comes back in._

_JASPER: Em thinks Bella is with Jake in his apartment._

_CHANEL: Victoria just told me Edward fired her this morning because he has just told his wife about them. And she runs to Jake first chance she gets._

_JASPER: Given the circumstances I don't think she can be blamed for that._

_CHANEL: But it doesn't help the situation if she runs to the man that probably the reason for all of this._

_JASPER: I thought Edward was the one who had the affair._

_CHANEL: Edward was the one who acted on it. Bella isn't so innocent. She has loved Jake more than she's loved Edward all this time, her betrayal has been much more profound._

_JASPER: The last time I checked thinking about other people wasn't as bad a sin as acting on it._

_CHANEL: Oh she does more than just think about Jake, she loves him and to make matters worse Edward knows that, how do you think that makes him feel, his security in his own marriage. And to make things worse she is the first man she runs to when things get really hectic between them._

Come Jasper think about it; you're a man and you love me. And I'm with you because I couldn't be with the one I love because he's just not into me. So I stay with you but Emery decision I make is for him more than you and the more you try to make me see that you are right for me, the more I drift into him.

_JASPER: If it's so bad then why don't I just leave you? If I see that your heart is so stubbornly fixed upon someone else, why don't I just leave you? Why do I think I can make you love me when you don't?_

_CHANEL: Because I won't let you. Time and time again, I look you in the eye and tell you that you are the one that I am here, that it is you that I love._

_JASPER: Well then it's a little more complicated._

_CHANEL: Yes it is. Now she's gone to Jake, the man she wanted to be with at the first place, she gets happily ever after and all he has is pain and guilt. It's good that Bella has someone to be here for her right now but..._

_JASPER: ...who is here for Edward?_

_CHANEL: Yes. He sacrificed everything for her._

_Jasper now knows for sure; that every story has two sides to it._

_JASPER: will it make you feel better if I go find him._

_CHANEL: He will be so grateful._

Jasper will go for two reasons, because he is doing for his woman but more impressively because he wants to be here for his friend.

Finding him wasn't straightforward. He had stopped at the hotel but there was no answer there, then the office and Edward hadn't been there since this morning and after checking with Emmett again he decided to go back to the hotel again. It was 10 in the evening when he finally caught up with him. He was drinking at the hotel bar very far from being sober when Jasper joined him.

_JASPER: You are a very hard man to find Mr. Cullen._

_EDWARD: Well I like to keep mysterious, keep people guessing about my next move._

_JASPER: Yes bull shit. (Edward laughs a bit) what are you drinking?_

_EDWARD: It's brandy, same thing my wife was drinking when I told her I was having an affair. So I thought, you know, why not? let me just have one for, you know, for the team._

_JASPER: Ok I suppose the right thing would be to get one as well._

_He orders which for some reason prompts a laugh from Edward._

_JASPER: What's so funny?_

_EDWARD: Who put you up to this? Cos you know it won't go down well with your woman that you have chosen the evil side._

_JASPER: For your information she is the one that wanted to come here. She's team Edward..._

_EDWARD: and your team Bella... figures._

_JASPER: Actually I haven't decided yet. You both make a good point and I am gonna wait it out before making up my mind. And in the meantime maybe you and I can discuss what you're willing to do to get me on your team... if you know what I mean._

Edward really appreciates Jasper coming here and mostly not judging him just being well... a friend. He honors that with a smile.

_EDWARD: I know you and Bella are friends Jasper; I don't wanna cause a rift between you two. You shouldn't have to choose. I really understand. _

Jasper just looks at him for some time, he isn't going anywhere.

_JASPER: This place is really lavish, how much does it go for a night. I am thinking about taking Chanel down to Cape Town for her birthday and figure we'll wind up staying in a place like this._

Jasper is here to add lunacy and he offers that will normal conversation, Edward joins up very amazed he hasn't lost everything and everyone because of this.

Word always gets around quick when people bad lives have been altered radically. And Edward's affair isn't an exception to the rule. He only confessed his affair a couple of hours ago but all their friends have the news to deal with in their own way. Edward and Bella have had the same set of friends since they started seeing each other and those same friends who have been there to see them through their fun times are there to see them their difficult. But first, as if by some huge mutual agreement they have all decided to take sides in this whole fiasco. Guliano and Alice are not any different.

_ALICE: I swear I didn't think Edward had it in him to do something like this to Bella. He always seemed to be so in love with her._

Guliano is disappointed he has to have this conversation with Alice once again but it's only thing she's been talking about since she found out. It normally wouldn't be a difficult conversation; lord knows talking to Alice is an easy thing to do but he has different opinions about this affair and is afraid this time round he will have a difficult time keeping them on lock.

_GULIANO: Baby haven't we been through this already._

_ALICE: I know, I guess I am just shocked you know. Someone says they love you and yet they are capable of hurting you in the worst manner possible._

_GULIANO: Is Bella still with Jake?_

_ALICE: He's the only safe haven she has at the moment; I'd be surprised if she doesn't stay with him until she files for divorce._

_GULIANO: You think she'll divorce him?_

_ALICE: What else is she going to do, forgive him?_

_GULIANO: Would that be so bad? She claims she loves him and not Jake so she stays and works it out with Edward. That's what she can do instead of running first chance she gets._

_ALICE: This isn't exactly the type of thing that a girl forgets easily Gigi. Cheating is unacceptable. I always say that if he knew he wasn't happy why not tell her, why go behind her back._

_GULIANO: Alice... never mind._

He is thinking best not tell her what I truly think. And his point proved.

_GULIANO: this is why I didn't want to have this conversation in the first place._

_ALICE: You didn't want to have this conversation? What? Why?_

_GULIANO: I said never mind Alice. I don't want to get into an argument with this with you. It's none of our business._

_ALICE: Which means you feel differently from me._

_GULIANO: (Drawing a deep breath) come on Alice..._

_ALICE: Come on say it. I am no little girl and I am secured enough in our relationship to know that sometimes we can have different opinions on subjects...in fact it's healthy._

_GULIANO: Ok. I'll tell you what I really think about the whole thing. I think you're being a hypocrite._

_ALICE: (surprised) me?_

_GULIANO: Yes. I don't get how you could be waving your pump for Team Bella when it's Team Edward you should cheer for._

_ALICE: Why? Bella is my best friend and he cheated on her._

_GULIANO: So what? You cheated on me and you got my forgiveness and yet you tell me that Edward isn't worthy when he did to her the same thing you did to me._

_ALICE: (With a sigh) it's not the same thing._

_GULIANO: Yes of course it is. Jasper meant nothing to you right. Isn't that what you told me? This is the relationship that matters to you and not whatever it is that you shared with him..._

_ALICE: Shared? You make it sound like those moments even meant anything to me. Jasper isn't the man to me that you are to me._

_GULIANO: It's the same defense that Edward is using and yet he's being crucified and you're the one who is nailing him to the cross. A double standard on your part don't you think because you were forgiven for doing the same thing that he did._

_ALICE: If you really did forgive me..._

_GULIANO: ...then I wouldn't bring this up? It has nothing to do with us, that's what I am trying to show you... but you Alice...you are a hypocrite._

Alice wishes now she hadn't forced him to talk about this. It's not just the fact that he is not on her side but that he thinks she is not on her side as well.

It's Emmett and Kieran to pick a team_._

_KIERAN: Come on I think we all knew that this was going to happen the first day he married that girl._

_EMMETT: Come on you mean to tell me that you knew Edward was capable of adultery the minute he married her._

_KIERAN: it was there in black and white Em... from the first moment they got together in fact. Think about it they met at a bar..._

_EMMETT: ...actually they met at her place of work so you don't get to use that angle._

_KIERAN: Ok that doesn't change anything. Second encounters are more important than first ones anyway, they are like second kisses. They are more important because they are more engaged and more thought of. Come on how many got our first kisses wrong but got the second right because you knew exactly what to do that time around._

_EMMETT: My first kiss worked out just fine._

_KIERAN: You know what I mean. Now what was I saying?_

_EMMETT: before you got off point talking about first and second kiss... you were saying something about you knowing that Edward was already going to screw this up._

_KIERAN: Yes, besides all that nonsense about first encounters and second ones..._

_EMMETT: ...because we both know that was just bull shit._

_KIERAN: We know Edward. You, me, Jake. We know Edward. He was always the one who always got the girl, the one who threw all the parties, the one who got drunk... or was that Jake?_

_EMMETT: I'd say it's closely contested._

_KIERAN: he always was the one who was struggling to find out who he is or what he was. I mean think about it; Even when they met he had just quit his millionth job and got dumped by his girlfriend. I would say her name but he changed them so frequently I might get it wrong._

_EMMETT: Terry I think that she was. No pressure, I don't think Even Edward remembers._

_KIERAN: (Laughing)_

_EMMETT: But come on you have to give him some credit. He did get his life together for BELLA. He got a job with his father and up until this little affair; I thought he was doing very well._

_KIERAN: Ye it did seem like he was beginning to get his life together._

_EMMETT: I guess that's why I'm hoping she forgives him. She seems like the only one that can tame that wild spirit._

_KIERAN: Yes but she's with Jake right now, I think she might be on the plane to London with him as we speak._

_EMMETT: I don't think she'll go with Jake after everything that's happened._

_KIERAN: I think she would go with Jake because of what has happened. She's more vulnerable than she's ever been and she may welcome a change of scenery. And I know better than the rest of you because he's showed me his Evil side..._

_EMMETT: (Laughing) Evil side? You are so dramatic._

_KIERAN: But it's true. Jake can be very stubborn and calculating, he will find a way to make this affair work in his favor and not think once about what Edward wants or even what Bella wants._

_EMMETT: Does it surprise you that they ended up falling for the same woman?_

_KIERAN: They couldn't be any different could they?_

_EMMETT: they couldn't be. But I think they have different intentions with Bella. _

_Edward... she needs that girl more than Jake does. I guess what_

_I am saying is, hope she forgives him._

_KIERAN: So you're team Edward._

_EMMETT: Guess I am aren't I?_

_KIERAN: well I am for whatever team that makes sure Jake isn't around to tell me how to live my life with Terry-Ann._

_EMMETT: So you're Team Bella._

_KIERAN: No, I am Team Edward and Bella, that's the team that's going to make sure Jake, learns to keep his nose of other people's affairs as of now on._

_EMMETT: Wow! And he's the Evil one?_

_KIERAN: Shut up!_

Emmett laughs, yes they can afford to make fun and have jokes about the situation. Get to pick sides lightly without considering Edward's guilt or Bella's pain. They are not the ones living inside the nightmare right now.

~A week later~

I finally open my eyes after long hours of sleep at Jake's bed. He isn't sitting very far from the bed doing some work on his notebook. His back is to me though, which gives me time to just take his presence in:

I use to dream about mornings like these; use to term them my fetish. All those months ago when all I wanted to do was sit in a discreet corner somewhere and just watch him. He could continue working or just sit and do nothing, anything really so long as I got to watch. I know a lot has happened the last couple of months to change us and what we want but this is as good now as I always thought it would be.

He lives up to my imagination so well. I always thought we looked so good together. We just matched well physically, his height, his skin tone, it just all seemed to go well and I was convinced he could see it too. Has he finally realized what I always knew about us; that we could be a great team together.

_BELLA: So are you gonna let me sleep the whole morning?_

The smile he gave me told me everything about my being welcome here; he really wants me to be here with him regardless of my reasons why.

_JACOB: Well it took you so long falling into sleep last night I thought you deserved it._

I watch as he comes to join me.

_BELLA: My head feels heavy._

_JACOB: Well you did have your fair share of the bottle of brandy plus accompanied by the tears I don't think you were very nice to yourself. Luckily for you, I anticipated that. _(He reaches into the drawer for some tablets to take with the glass of water sitting at the dresser.)

How considerate.

_BELLA: Thanks._

_JACOB: Apart from the headache, how you feeling?_

How cruel, he wants to talk about Edward already.

_BELLA: Well if you mean Edward..._

_JACOB: I realize that you still feel a little down but... you've been cooped up in this room for a week now._

_BELLA: Really, only a week? I was aiming for a lifetime._

_JACOB: Oh come on!_

_BELLA: How could I go out there now, everyone knows what has happened between me and Edward and I don't want to be judged._

_JACOB: Is that why you've refused to talk to any of your friends all this time._

_BELLA: If they are truly my friends they will leave me alone right now._

Really they will, real friends don't bother each other in a time like this.

_JACOB: There's someone else who called..._

Edward? He hasn't tried to call me since he told me about his affair a week ago. Strange don't you think; he makes it seems as though he's comfortable with this. Does he love Victoria? Has he already forgotten me? Why do I want him to call me? I am here Jake; he is the one I want right?

_BELLA: Who?_

Please say it's was Edward.

_JACOB: Your mother._

Let's hope that Jake hasn't seen the disappointment I felt inside knowing that it wasn't Edward who's tried to contact me.

_BELLA: Good mothers leave their children alone in a time like this_.

_JACOB: (Laughing) not I am not flattered by all this attention you want to give to me... I want you to at least get out of bed. If you don't go with your girlfriends... and I don't want you too anyway...then you and I should go to lunch together._

_BELLA: Where, in Sandton? We might run into Edward there..._

_JACOB: We might run into Edward at Rosebank, East Rand, really anywhere, I don't see how he gets to go on with his life and you get locked up in this room for ever._

_Yes Bella, when are you planning on going back to the world?_

_BELLA: You're right. I am running out of stuff to wear, I think I have to go into my house anyway._

_JACOB: And run the risk of running into Edward, no way._

_BELLA: I need clothes Jake. I can't even go out and get new ones cos I left all my cards and cash at that place. I have to go back Jake._

_JACOB: As much as I want you to go on with your life I don't think you're ready to run into him like that. So I'll go._

_BELLA: To my house?_

What?

_BELLA: What if you run into Edward?_

_JACOB: unlike you, I think I am better equipped to handle him. And besides what are the chances that he'll actually be there._

_BELLA: Which is why I should go?_

_JACOB: Love you too much to put you through this._

He is not doing this to me. He lays a kiss on my forehead; he is definitely going in my place. It doesn't feel right, this is still my marriage, I should be the one running it and not Jake.


	40. Whose marriage is it anyways?

**Chapter 39:**_** Whose marriage is it anyway?**_

Jake was hoping for a less awkward visit to Linksfield than the one he actually got. Edward was there that night watching TV when he let himself in. He heard the door open and thought it was Bella...got up quickly to see at the door but got the heaviest of inconveniences when he saw Jake instead.

He wasn't the only one.

_EDWARD: Is my wife with you?_

_JACOB: (With a sigh) your wife? No she's not with me; I am just here to get some of her clothes._

_EDWARD: So she's not coming home._

_JACOB: You mean to you. I don't know Edward; I am just here to get some clothes._

_EDWARD: (nodding) upstairs... second door on the right._

Edward had every intention of staying put in front of the TV set but his heart was upstairs so he followed it. Jake has found a black bag to put everything in but he isn't packing away all the necessities as far as Edward can tell.

_EDWARD: Don't leave the green top, that's her favorite._

Thanks, Jake should say but he doesn't feel like being Edward's friend right now. But he does pack the top to Edward's satisfaction.

_JACOB: Anything else?_

_EDWARD: She really loves the white dress and all her skinny jeans._

_JACOB: Ok_

_EDWARD: Maybe don't forget the V-Neck summer jersey..._

_JACOB: (Annoyed) Why don't you come over here and pack the bag yourself._

Edward doesn't need a second invitation. Jake is the one who has to watch as Edward packs the bag. As suspected most of what he has packed winded up out of the bag and in the bed. The awkwardness follows. It's strange, Edward and Jake have been friends since there were 12 years old and they always had something to say to each other, up until now.

_EDWARD: I know she rarely wears everything more than twice but she's got her basics you know._

_JACOB: I suppose._

_EDWARD: Her black skirt, white shirt, pink jacket and her black Chanel bag. She plans her outfits around those things you know. Guess when you're married to someone you get to notice those things about them you know. Their favorite clothes, favorite phrases..._

_JACOB: ...is this you trying to sound like 'husband of the year'. We both know what you're capable of so why don't you just cut the crap._

And Edward does.

_EDWARD: I guess what I am trying to say is; I am not gonna give up Jake. This is my marriage and I am going to do everything to save it. And just because you get to come here, pack her bag full with all the stuff she doesn't wear doesn't mean that it's yours to run._

_JACOB: Would that be so bad, you've ran it to the ground._

_Edward zips the bag shut and then walks up to Jake to give it to him._

_JACOB: Guess I always knew this was going to happen. Give Edward a rope and he'll hang himself. 6 months Edward, 6 months and already an affair under your belt. You must be crazy if you think that's the future she's going to settle for. _

He let Jake have the last word but he doesn't know that on the whole I would give him the last word.

As Jake gives me my bag, I inspect the contents surprised to find all my favorite clothes in there.

_BELLA: Wow Jake how did you know to pack all my favorite stuff. These are my basics. I plan all my outfits around this stuff_.

He should say it was Edward who packed the bag but as I gratefully flung my arms around Jake all he could think about was how he has underestimated what Edward and I share and for the first time since he got back he is doubting that he'll finish first...simply because of the bag.

Jake has fallen to sleep, as normal people do once the time has gone past midnight and it's dark all over. He's got a quiet snore...you know he snores but not so heavily that it sounds as if he's dragging trucks. He snores, just enough to suggest that he's sleeping which gives me a chance to sneak off to the other room. I want to make a phone call, not to yell or anything but to just understand. I don't think my will is strong enough to keep me off tonight and with Jake also sleeping I am bound to talk to him. So she calls him...

He hasn't slept a wink since she left and his heart almost fell off his chest when he saw her name. This as always...will prove to be a difficult conversation.

_EDWARD: Hello..._

Because well... that's what you say to show the other person that you are now on the other end but Bella didn't have to...

_BELLA: Was I that terrible to be married to; that the thought of coming home to me made you think you were better off with someone else?_

Please answer me honestly...

_EDWARD: No you were not terrible to be married to... you are not terrible to be married to._

_BELLA: Is it because I'm ugly?_

_EDWARD: No._

_BELLA: Or because I walk with my shoulders slightly slouched?_

_EDWARD: No._

_BELLA: Or that I am not as good in bed as she is..._

_EDWARD: NO!_

_BELLA: Because you know...I couldn't help all those things Edward. I couldn't change my face, it's the only one I have. I've always felt looking at you that I wasn't the attractive woman you should be with. I've always wished I was prettier just to match your looks..._

_EDWARD: Bella!_

_BELLA: But I looked like this when we got married... maybe I let myself go a little when I was pregnant but I thought you didn't mind all that...that you didn't mind me._

What does Edward, what does he say?

_BELLA: (Crying) and you know I've tried to walk straight but for some reason I always forget. In the mornings when I wake up, I know it's what I have to do but by the time the evening comes it's just gone you know. And while I may get some hard time from the women at work who feel they can dip their noses into my business, you always seem to get me..._

_EDWARD: I do._

_BELLA: ...and I thought you didn't mind that, I thought you didn't mind me._

_EDWARD: There's nothing to mind..._

That's a start.

_BELLA: And for the sex thing... you always thought you found me adequate..._

_EDWARD: You're better than adequate._

_BELLA: Did that change after the baby?_

_EDWARD: Why do you always bring that up?_

_BELLA: Because I think that's where everything went wrong. Maybe you couldn't picture yourself enjoying me anymore because I was spoilt..._

_EDWARD: Bella, no it was none of those things. I think you're beautiful and I've always tried to make you see that, I don't care about your slouched shoulders, I didn't even know you had slouched shoulders. I don't even believe you do. You criticize yourself so much..._

_BELLA: Is that why you're having an affair?_

_EDWARD: I had an affair because I am a reckless, selfish and just downright foolish..._

_BELLA: It sounds romantic Edward but it's not quite the answer I am looking for. I want you to make me understand how this has nothing to do with me... if I am the perfect wife like everyone says... Alice, Jasper, Jake... If everyone says I have been the perfect wife to you then how come I'm dealing with this?_

_EDWARD: You are the perfect wife._

_BELLA: Yes but I am dealing with a husband who cheated on me 6 months into our marriage. 6 months Edward? That's gatta be some kind of record. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period and seeing that we never got to ours, I am little wounded by this. So I want to know from you why you have elected to put me through this pain. I want you to make me understand why...why Edward_

_._

_EDWARD: Because deep down inside I always knew you deserved better and I always knew that you were going to leave me..._

_BELLA: What?_

_EDWARD: you asked me how I knew about you and Jake. I didn't guess it. In fact if I didn't read it that morning I never would have seen it._

_BELLA: Read it?_

_EDWARD: You found out about Leeland remember, you were sad, you cancelled our date, you said you were sick when in fact you wanted to cry about Jake... Not that I knew at that time. I came over your place remember..._

_BELLA: You made me chicken soup._

_EDWARD: We conceived our baby. I thought I had you. Then I see your diary there..._

_BELLA: You read my diary._

_EDWARD: You love another man! And that man... is the man that you're with tonight._

So all this time Bella thinks; he has known about her feelings for Jake; how hard it must have been for him to stay even though he knew her heart was somewhere else. He thinks that her heart still belongs to Jake; she thought it did but on the real, did it.

_EDWARD: That man has never been me._

She doesn't know how to disagree with him, it seems their problems have just been resolved but at the same multiplied. This is where it ends right, she sails off to the sunset with Jake, Edward doesn't feel guilty and they live happily ever after. Right?

She hangs up the phone, turns around to find Jake standing there. So he wasn't sleeping after all.

_BELLA: He knew about us...all along. The baby, the marriage, all those nights I locked myself in the bathroom crying because I missed you, he knew, he knew about us._

_JACOB: (With a sigh of relief) well that's good. That's very good... (Going over to her to touch her face gently) it means that we can finally be together. We can start lives together..._

Can we?

_JACOB: lord knows we've waited long enough. (He gives her a kiss, technically their first kiss but she hardly felt it.) This is great! I know you're probably thinking how can we start over here, I mean the life you have with Edward is here, we need ours. Well I anticipated that..._

Another thing he's thought regarding me and Edward. Whose marriage is it anyway?

_JACOB: ... and I got us two one way tickets to Dublin._

Dublin?

_JACOB: Think about it, we can start all over again without having all our past mistakes follow us around_.

He's moving a little too fast for my liking. He's using words like Dublin, phrases like one way ticket. I have a life here. I am married; I don't get to just leave. I have a family, friends, my life is here.

_BELLA: I don't know Jake, it's all so sudden._

_JACOB: No not really. You and I have waited a year to get to this moment and I don't want contemplate anymore. I want to start my life with you as soon as possible. (Kissing her) I got all your credit cards and everything when I went to your place. I know we have an active passport so we can go._

_BELLA: Wow you've thought of everything!_

_JACOB: I learn from my mistakes. I let you go once; I'm not going to lose you again._

We leave on a noon flight. It's amazing how everything has been packed and arranged by Jake, I thought we didn't have enough time. Maybe it's because my mind has been dizzy. The last thing I remember in all these crazy arrangements is making a phone call to my mother to tell her I was relocating. And needless to say she was stunned but had no other choice but bid me farewell. I promise to come visit her every holiday to keep her from crying. She accepts but this still doesn't feel so right.

We're at the airport about to board the plane and this still doesn't feel right.


	41. After all is said and done

_**Chapter 40: After all is said and done**_

Edward is glad that all his friends have come out to see him today. Jasper, Kieran and in a couple of minutes Emmett who apparently had to stop at the liquor shop when he found out that Edward may be out. He has only been at this house for a couple of days; it was only until the last couple of minutes that he realized there wouldn't be enough. Emmett's stop will ensure they are covered.

They talk about sports as they grill the meat outside. And why not it had been the perfect afternoon to do just that. It's right in the middle of the rugby super 14 and they support the same teams. Edward appreciates all this macho sport talk; it keeps his mind off the shaky love life. It seems ever since he's been friends with these man he's the one they all had to come together for. He was the one Jake had orchestrated that Evening at Melrose for...that Evening he and Bella became a 'something'.

That seems like such a long time ago now, those two people he had in his mind today are so different from the people they have come to be. The laughter has been replaced by bitterness, the love replaced by hate that he went out of his way to produce. This was his entire fault...all of it. He had tried to make it about Jake and Bella last night but he knew when he married her that her heart still belonged to someone else; how is that their fault. It's not really surprising that he's run this marriage to the rocks, it's what he does. What did Jake say...?

_EDWARD: (to himself) ...give Edward a rope and he'll hang himself. How did I mess this up?_

Just then the door bell rings, he takes his beer with and is only too thwarted when it turns out to be Emmett.

_EDWARD: Em since when do you knock?_

_EMMETT: I do when I need to talk to you in private._

_He says leading Edward to the lounge where they can be alone._

_EMMETT: Hope that bottle is still full._

_EDWARD: Why, what's going on?_

_EMMETT: I've been trying to call you for the past hour but you're not answering. I left 2 voice mail messages._

_EDWARD: My phone is upstairs. Why, what's going on? (Pause) Em!_

_EMMETT: Jake called me_.

_EDWARD: ...and?_

_EMMETT: He's on the way to Dublin... with Bella._

_EDWARD: What?_

_EMMETT: I'm sorry._

_EDWARD: That's not possible Bella would have told me if she was leaving me._

_EMMETT: Well she's gone Edward..._

_EDWARD: No... we're married. I know we have problems but when you end with someone you're suppose to tell them. Bells didn't even know what he decision was this morning when we spoke and now you're telling me she's left. No!_

_EMMETT: I am telling you what Jake told me. He told me he was at the airport with BELLA and that they were getting ready to board. I tried to call you immediately but you didn't answer._

_EDWARD: Oh shit! I gatta stop them._

He gathers his car keys but was not to get far because of Emmett.

_EMMETT: Edward I spoke to Jake over an hour ago. They were boarding the plane. And on my way here, I listen to classic FM; all flights took off on their scheduled time. Unless you're planning to fly to Dublin, you have to accept... she's gone Edward._

She's gone! Bella is gone and there's nothing he can do. He's too weak to stand just at the thought of living without Bella so he sits down and reflects.

_EDWARD: I told him I'd fight, that they wouldn't be happy whiles I am here. He figured the only way to win was to take her far away from me. (He sighs)_

Emmett can clearly see the disappointment and ache Edward is in right now. He honestly thought there was a chance for him and Bella

.

_EDWARD: It's dumb isn't it...? I thought we still had a shot..._

Right then they hear the door opening. Edward being the owner of the home has to get up and see who is there. But once he did see who was there all he could do was stop and stare. He is too overwhelmed to get a reaction out of himself but Emmett wasn't... in fact he was pleased.

_EMMETT: Bella, hey._

_BELLA: Hey Emmett._

She kept her eyes at Edward the whole time. She can clearly see the surprise that Edward's face is carrying. She concluded that he knew what she had planned with Jake and was taken aback by her coming here.

And without any more words she rushed upstairs to the bedroom. Edward turned to Emmett baffled.

_EMMETT: I don't know. Why don't you go find out?_

She's sitting on the bed when he comes in as if she expected him to come after her. Just like he knew which clothes to pack when Jake came over, she knew he would follow her here.

_BELLA: this is more difficult than I thought... seeing you is more difficult than I thought it would be. I only have to look at you and then I start seeing you with someone else. Something tells me that vision will creep in everyday for a long time to come._

_EDWARD keeps quiet; he will wait for this whole thing to explain itself._

_BELLA: You're wrong Edward... that man is you. I know that is very different from what you read that morning but Even though it was him then... it hasn't been him for a very long time._

Edward keeps quiet still but inside he is celebrating, this is a victory.

_BELLA: I want to work us out Edward. I want to work at our marriage. I want to start a new._

_EDWARD: Really?_

_BELLA: My commitment is to you Edward. It's going to take a long time for me to forgive or to trust you again but... I wanna work on it because I love you and I know that you love me._

_EDWARD: I do._

Edward wanted to ask about Jake but he decided against it, everything in its own time.

What matters now is that I have come back to him and she wants to work this out.


	42. The first therapy session

_**Chapter 41: The first therapy session**_

Belinda is her name, that's the only thing I thought I had to remember about her. She bragged about the schools she attended, mentioned all her credentials, and I just couldn't get over the pride she had over everything she has accomplished. I wasn't about to blame her, for a black girl I am sure this is a wonderful accomplishment.

So if she wants to brag, let her so long as we eventually get this show on the road.

Edward is evidently uncomfortable. This therapy was mostly my idea; he thought we could just find our way back to each other... that we didn't need any help. He came because he is the one on the wrong and I made him feel like there was no other choice.

_BELINDA: So where do we start?_

She's got such a snobbish accent, she's never been around black people... if she has then it's been a while. This girl has a very white soul and Edward sees what I see.

_EDWARD: Where did you say you were from Belinda?_

_BELINDA: I am originally from Soweto..._

_BELLA: Me too._

_BELINDA: But I haven't lived there since I was 7 years old. My father works for the ruling party and he has for the past 30 years so that meant..._

_BELLA: ...you got the best of everything._

So I know it seems like I am being extremely hard on Belinda at the moment. I am after all the one who wanted the therapy. But since Edward and I both didn't know any therapists... you know it's not like this is the type of thing we do all the time. You know lose a baby, he cheats, I almost run off with his best friend, we seek therapy. No, as a matter of fact we try and stay away from that kind of fun... Carlisle had to recommend one. And anybody still in the dark would see why I don't want Belinda.

_BELINDA: But we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you two and your reasons for being here._

_BELLA: I thought you were supposed to tell us._

_BELINDA: You're the one who sort out this therapy and you know why._

_EDWARD and I look at each other. Who wants to tell it today?_

_EDWARD: Well I think we're here because I had an affair and... Bella... I mean we want to get passed it._

_BELINDA: Is that true Bella is that why you're here?_

_BELLA: Are you gonna keep checking with me with everything he says_.

_BELINDA: I have to make sure we are all here for the same reason. Is that your reason for being here... because Edward had an affair?_

Oh shit! We're gonna start talking about me.

_BELLA: Yes amongst other things._

_BELINDA: other things like what?_

I look at Edward; he too would like to know.

_BELLA: _(Taking a deep breath_) I am here about Edward's affair, the baby..._

_BELINDA: The baby..._

_EDWARD: No I'm not answering this one; she's the one that makes everything about the baby._

_BELLA: What?_

Someone doesn't like talking about the miscarriage. He still won't acknowledge it... acknowledge my failure.

_BELLA: What do you mean I make everything about the baby?_

_EDWARD: You just do..._

_BELLA: Because I acknowledge it..._

_BELINDA: Ok, before we fly off our handles... I'm still here so use me._

Ok so I see how Belinda works. She brings up a topic, Edward shares his unjust views, I put in my own and just when we are about to eat each other alive... which unfortunately has become a pattern the past couple of months... she steps in to prevent that from happening. We're not going to do so well here are we?

_BELINDA: Edward..._

_EDWARD: oh here we go._

_BELINDA: Is there some reason you don't want me to direct this next question to you?_

_EDWARD: I just don't want you to pick on me right now._

_BELINDA: And what makes you think I will._

_EDWARD: I always wind up on the losing side as far as the baby is concerned._

_BELLA: No you don't._

_EDWARD: Yes I do because...never mind._

_BELLA: No you say it._

Edward looks at Belinda, she encourages him.

_EDWARD: Bella has this idea in her head that I didn't grieve the miscarriage as vicariously as she did..._

What?

_EDWARD: and so because she stayed in bed for weeks, just crying and driving herself crazy while I went on with my life..._

_BELLA: yes by having an affair, that's a great way to go on with your life._

_EDWARD: _(drawing a deep breath)

_BELINDA: So the affair does have something to do with the baby._

_EDWARD: If you reckon everything could be summarized in just a couple of pages then yes the affair has everything with the baby._

BELINDA: So if you don't think that the miscarriage has everything to do with it, why don't you tell us, enlighten us?

_BELLA: Yes Edward enlightened us. Why did you have an affair?_

_EDWARD: I don't know... because I lost a baby._

He is going to be impossible.

_EDWARD: There you go Bella, I just saved you thousands of rand's admitting the truth, is it safe to go on with our lives now._

_BELLA: So you admit to something that you don't think so you can just make me happy...just like you coming here today._

_EDWARD: I came here today to try and save our marriage. I don't understand how blaming me for everything is going to help us on the right road._

_BELINDA: No one is blaming you for anything Edward. We are all just trying to get to the root of the problems here._

_EDWARD: There is no root. I had an affair, I am the bad guy... do you think we can go on with our lives now._

_BELINDA: I am afraid it's going to be a little more difficult than that Edward._

_EDWARD is not listening, instead he gets up. I know how he is when he gets like this; he is no longer interested; he is on the way out._

_EDWARD: Fortunately for your pocket it is, isn't it?_

_He is out the door. I can't help but think once again he's left me alone._

_BELINDA: Would you like to continue Bella or do you want to go after your husband?_

This is couples therapy right?

_BELLA: I can't run this marriage by myself Belinda._

I go after my husband instead. He is smoking by the car when I catch up with him. Edward always smokes when he is stressed. I know I should be thrilled he cares enough to be worried but there's apparently more issues than we are both ready to talk about.

I join him by the car. We say nothing for a couple of minutes.

_EDWARD: I am sorry; I didn't mean to run out on you like that._

_BELLA: Well you're paying for it so if you don't mind, I suppose there really isn't a problem._

I don't get to see Edward smile that much lately, it's a welcome sight.

_BELLA: I don't think I realized what I was putting us up for when I suggested this._

_EDWARD: I don't think I realized what you were putting us up for when I agreed._ (Bellalaughs a bit.)

_BELLA: I know it's hard Edward but I need to do this. If you and me are ever going to go back to where we are then we need to be here every week talking about all the things we think led us here._

EDWARD: How is this supposed to help Mils? We were in there 15 minutes and we started blaming each other for everything. If we're in there for an

hour every week, we're going to kill each other.

BELLA: (Laughing) I know it doesn't look so promising but you and I haven't been honest about our true feelings for a long time. Who cares if we fight all the time, at least we'll be fighting about the real issues that are problematic to our relationship instead of the...toilet paper.

That captivating smile again. I know we're holding back now but I think for our first therapy session we did very well.

EDWARD: But you do turn to run it down a little quicker than me.

A smile from me this time. He doesn't mind it.

EDWARD: Something tells me we're not always going to be getting along after these sessions.

BELLA: Yes today was good. (Pause) for what it's worth... before we turn into enemies... I am gonna do whatever to stay with you and make sure that we work out again.

EDWARD: Yes me too.

I'd like for him to hug me now but I can see he's not sure if any physical contact is a great idea right now. He is afraid to get rejected.

We both don't go out that night, although we stay in our separate rooms for most of the night. I do some writing on my notebook and I can hear the noisy soccer match he is watching from the guest room. It sounds so enthusiastic, I am curious. I have always been a sports fan. I switch on my TV and watch the same channel he is watching. It's Juventus FC vs. Inter Milan, great rival match, no wonder EDWARD is so enthusiastic.

We hope Juventus win.

I fall asleep before the match is even finished but the TV stays on an hour more. It wasn't until Edward switched off his own TV set that he realized there was some noise coming from my bedroom. He gets up to investigate and as he suspected I am fast asleep in my bed, blankets kicked to the foot of the bed prompting him to come in and cover me. He used the remote to switch off the TV, covered me with the blankets, and then took a moment to just look at me. He feels so grateful I stayed.

He does what he is still allowed when I am wide awake, he kisses my forehead before leaving the room. It's not perfect but better this than Jake and I in Dublin.

I am the first to make it out of bed the next morning. This is the way it has been ever since we met and I guess today the brain is in past mode. It was all so automatic, the progression of things. The waking up, the quick shower, the walking downstairs to start on breakfast and eventually... Edward coming downstairs because well...

EDWARD: ...I couldn't stay asleep because your pancakes smell good. Is it blueberry?

Well not everything is as it was those months ago... the morning kiss that use to greet me is missing.

BELLA: You always liked blueberry. Come on sit down before it gets cold.

He listens very well when he is hungry... it's adorable.

I dish out for him then myself and sit down to join him at the table.

BELLA: Working today?

EDWARD: Just the morning, I have some reports to go over with Carlisle but that just about it.

BELLA: Your new P.A has kept your schedule free.

Sore point! I really should learn to think before I speak.

EDWARD: I don't have a new P.A yet.

BELLA: You haven't replaced Victoria?

Is she irreplaceable because he loved her or irreplaceable because he doesn't want to make another mistake.

EDWARD: I don't think I am going to replace Victoria.

Is it the former? Do I dare ask?

BELLA: Why not?

Do I want him to answer? What if he says that he loved her? I know he's said that she didn't mean anything but I don't know how he could have gave another the very thing that he gave to me... if she didn't mean a thing.

EDWARD: I just can manage without one that's all.

I don't believe him but I don't dare say but in my mind it's been recorded, think I may bring this topic at next week's therapy session.

Next week:

BELINDA: Is there anything in your minds that you'd like to run through today?

Both Edward and I look at each other. He's not folding... for the second week on the row. If we go with his pace then we'll keep wasting time coming here and getting nowhere. I know this is only our second session but I want to get this show on the road. I want to see if the peace we've been keeping in the house for the past week has been genuine. So I am going to do something typical of me... start some drama then lie and say it's because I am doing it for us and our marriage. Sounds like a plan.

BELLA: Actually I do have something I would like to address.

Just from the way Edward looks at me I can see he feels betrayed, he was hoping we'd gang up against Belinda this week.

BELINDA: Yes Bella.

BELLA: It's about Victoria, the woman Edward had an affair with.

He's disappointed, I can tell but I can't protect Edward from what I feel. If this marriage is going to work and we both want that then I have to take these kind of chances.

BELINDA: What about her Bella?

BELLA: Edward's gotten rid of her at work.

BELINDA: And you find this as a problem?

BELLA: No, the problem is not that he got rid of her; it's that he won't replace her.

EDWARD: (surprised) what?

BELLA: Edward is the financial director at his father's company... he needs a P.A and yet when I asked him he said he can manage without one.

EDWARD: Because I can...

He just really has no idea where all of this is coming from.

EDWARD: I managed well before Victoria came and I can do it without her now as well. (Turning to look at Bella) I mean you know that as well as I do. Last week I ran this by you and you were ok with it, I don't understand where all this is coming from.

BELLA: You didn't run it by me Edward, you just merely made me aware of the decision you took... after I asked you about it.

EDWARD: I don't understand what bearing it has to our marriage or this therapy session for that matter.

BELINDA: You should tell Edward what it means for you if he doesn't get an assistant.

EDWARD: It means nothing.

BELLA: I really wish that's what it was but I have a problem with the fact that he had an affair with his P.A and now he won't bring a new one in and I want to know why.

EDWARD: I can manage without one.

BELLA: You know what I hear. I hear; I am not replacing Victoria because I don't want anyone to take her place...

EDWARD: ... oh God I know where this is going.

BELLA: Well do you?

EDWARD: No BeIla I don't love Victoria. I am not in love with her now as I wasn't when I was sleeping with her. So would you stop picking a fight with me because there's nothing to fight about?

BELINDA: Is that what you're doing Bella?

BELLA: No I am just trying to get Edward to be honest with me.

Who side are you on anyway?

BELINDA: He just told you the reason why he had chosen not to replace Victoria but you don't believe him.

BELLA: Because I know he is lying.

BELINDA: No you don't know he's lying... you just don't believe him because you don't... TRUST him anymore.

Ok... she's good!

BELINDA: and obviously trust is no longer present because of Edward's infidelity but that's not something we can work on in a couple of hours.

EDWARD: Why don't you charge us extra then, I am sure your pocket will appreciate it.

He is getting ready to run out.

EDWARD: Trouble is that may never happen... so looks like we're gonna be here for a while.

He gets up. I follow him out. Belinda is getting sick of us.

EDWARD: You know I don't believe you...

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: If you knew you had a problem with this last week when we spoke about it then why didn't you say anything, why wait till we here to bring it up.

BELLA: Because we're both being extra cautious right now and I didn't want to start a fight.

EDWARD: This is better because we're not fighting now. (Drawing a deep breath) You got upset at me... almost walked on our marriage because I...how did you put it... tried to solve a problem inside this marriage outside the marriage.

BELLA: This is therapy; it's not the same thing. We came here wanting to mend our relationship... open the ways of communication

EDWARD: yes we did... yes we hired Belinda to help us mend our ways of communication... that is why we wait 7 whole days to say to each other exactly what we think and feel. I hate this... no not that we're fighting but that he's right.

I hate that he's right.

EDWARD: I could tell you how hypocritical this whole thing is but I think I'll wait for next week's session.

He's not home. He hasn't been home since he dropped me off after therapy. He hasn't called either. I've called him... a number of times but he's not answering. I left a voicemail; something easy like; I was just checking up on you, call me back. But he doesn't. He's not with his friends; I've tried all of them. He's not with his father as well... yes I spoke to him. The longer he stays away the more I start to believe he is with someone else.

Another woman... better yet Victoria. Belinda was right, I don't trust Edward anymore.

When he finally came home, it was past midnight. He catches up with me as I am standing over the balcony with a glass of whisky and a cigarette in my mouth. Anything to ease my mind lately.

BELLA: Where were you?

EDWARD: I drove around.

To Benoni, to see Victoria. Do I say that now or wait till next week.

BELLA: (after a while.) Did you go see her?

EDWARD: No I drove around. I don't see Victoria, I don't talk to Victoria. Or any other woman for that matter. I just drove around.

He can tell I don't believe him.

BELLA: If you say.

He gets annoyed, tries to leave the area but has just one more thing to say.

EDWARD: I didn't get another P.A because I don't trust myself anymore. I use to think that my love for you could help me overcome anything but after what I did... I don't know. And it's not that I don't love you because I do... I just don't trust myself anymore.

No wonder he couldn't say; the implications are heavy. And he knows that for sure when he waits for a couple of minutes for a response that doesn't come. How do I trust him when he can't even guarantee fidelity anymore?

EDWARD: Goodnight.

It's a long night of tossing and turning that by the time morning came I have doubts on whether or not saving this marriage is worth it.

**A/N: thanks for the reviews… Just wanna say I saw eclipse and WOW… it was awesome lol.. :D **


	43. My Girlfriends

_**Chapter 42: My Girlfriends**_

_Alice runs an idea on me while she's come by that afternoon._

_ALICE: It was actually Gigi's idea but I really wanna do this for you Bells, you really deserve it._

_BELLA: Do I deserve to be out of the country on the vacation of my life, yes. Can I afford it financially, yes but can I actually afford it on a personal level..._

_ALICE: _(Interrupting)_ don't say it. Of course you can afford to go away, both you and Edward can._

_BELLA: How, when we're right smack in the middle of therapy._

_ALICE: So you'll give it a skip for a couple of weeks. I am sure your therapist won't mind, I am sure she'll think it's a great idea._

_BELLA: It's not so much Belinda that is the problem; it's me and Nick that's the problem._

_ALICE: Why, but I thought were doing very well._

_BELLA: Yes of course we are but that's largely due to the fact that we don't really say anything to each other._

_ALICE: You don't say anything to each other?_ (Bella shakes her head no) _At all..._

_BELLA: No...Well this morning before he left, I was in his way in the kitchen and he asked me to pass him the polish._

_ALICE: That's it._

_BELLA: That's the most we've said to each other in three days, yes and you want us to fly off where..._

_ALICE: Aspen._

_BELLA: Isn't it always snowing in Aspen._

_ALICE: That's the whole point. Snow is romantic... you and Edward can use that right now._

_BELLA: The rest of ya'll can go, Edward and I will have to stay behind and leak our wounds some more._

_ALICE: OH honey!_

_BELLA: I just didn't know it would be this hard Alice you know. I know the therapy is suppose to be helping but it's just starting to bring up all sorts of issues that Edward and I were all too happy to hide in the past but now... (Drawing a deep breath) I guess I am just beginning to wonder if it's all worth it._

_ALICE: You're getting over an affair that was never going to be easy._

_BELLA: It' not just the affair that's wrong with us, it's everything. It's Victoria, it's Jake, it's his father, it's my skin, it's his skin color, it's his money, it's our friends, it's everything. You should make up with Chanel._

_ALICE :( laughing) I don't know how we got to that but not going to happen. I mean don't get me wrong, I am really happy for Jasper and Chanel but that doesn't mean I am ready to invite them over for tea and scones._

_BELLA: So this trip you're planning... they are not invited?_

_ALICE: No, it was only supposed to be the four of us, and I really want us to go._

_BELLA: Fine, you invite Jasper and Chanel then I'll get Edward to come too._

_ALICE: You saying you'll come if she comes?_

_BELLA: If you can make peace with Chanel, then I can make peace with Edward. (Pause) you're both my friends and I love you both very much but I am so sick and tired of being in the middle. So do me a favor... talk to Chanel?_

_ALICE: (_Drawing a deep breath_) this is blackmail._

_BELLA: Well if it works..._

Alice goes to see Jasper at his flat that afternoon. He was taken aback but the absence of Chanel made him feel a little easier.

_JASPER: So you want me to talk to her?_

_ALICE: Will you? Bella really wants us to make up, it's the only way she'll go to Aspen and we both agreed, she can use the trip._

_JASPER: Then why don't you talk Chanel yourself, make her see just how important this friendship is to you._

_ALICE: Bella wants me and Chanel to make up, she never said I had to be the one to talk to her about it._

_JASPER: Yes she was hoping for common sense on your part. Look I can talk to Chanel, have her meet you somewhere tonight but that's the most I can do. I don't think Bella will appreciate me helping you any other way but that._

_ALICE: Oh you are so right._ (She said playfully) _but I am imagine if she does come to dinner, I'll have to order three meals, mine, hers and the guy holding a gun to her head_.

_JASPER:_ (Laughing) _I think I can find easier ways to get her to come._

Chanel has a similar conversation with Guliano at his warehouse. Except her company isn't as appreciated by him. He is busy with a car engine as she talks. And he is discovering that Chanel can run that mouth of hers very well.

_CHANEL: I mean I know that you and I have absolutely no reason to doubt them but that's my whole point isn't it? I mean Alice is my friend and I miss her so much, Bella is great too but Alice has a weird sense of humor that I absolutely love. She's the girl we go to when we're going through a difficult time because she knows how to make everything seem Ok; you know what I mean..._

Guliano rolls his eyes to the back of his head...

_CHANEL: Of course you know that about her, she's your girlfriend for goodness sake and she has been for years now. How is that going for you by the way, it did seem like you were in trouble there for a while there with this Jasper issue. I was angry too but..._

Guliano takes a deep breath. It's getting harder and harder to ignore her.

_CHANEL: that was in the past you know. You know Gigi; you know what I am saying._

Good Lord, who knows who what you're saying- Guliano thinks.

_CHANEL: So how long did you say you guys were dating? I can't wait till Jasper and I can be together for a long time. How did you even know she was that person you know, that you wanted to stay with that long..._

She talked on, and Guliano wondered off... his brain literally wondered off. He started thinking about his car, his CD collection, that beer he had with Em last night... cool dude that one...even the sex with Alice that followed. Chanel was still talking when he was thinking about that movie 'Shallow Hal'." Oh what the heck kinda movie was that. Stupid, stupid movie! The director must not have watched it after they filmed cos then he wouldn't have released it. Dumb & Dumberer now that's a movie he enjoyed, although he wouldn't call it a masterpiece.

He comes back to his 'now' and gasped when he discovered that Chanel was still talking but this time he wasn't going to dose off. He'll need a sack full of bad movie reviews to get through this. And quite frankly his memory just couldn't bear that... or Chanel's talking.

_GULIANO: Chanel...do you shut up?_

_CHANEL: (_Surprised)_ Excuse me?_

_GULIANO: You have been running that big tool of yours since you got here an hour ago... AN HOUR... and yet you still haven't said anything._

_CHANEL: _(Surprised) _what are you talking about? I have been the one doing the talking this whole time, I mean you're so quiet, I can't even get a word out of you._

_GULIANO: What? How can I possibly get a word in when you never shut up?_

_CHANEL: Do you want me to go?_

_GULIANO: Yes, go. Finally I can get some peace and quiet._

_CHANEL: I haven't even told you the reason I am here._

_GULIANO: And that's the damn problem. An hour gone and you still haven't found what you came here for._

_CHANEL: Well me and U2 (She bursts out laughing on her own while Guliano looks at her annoyed.) Get it, U2 have a song, I still haven't found what I am looking for..._

_She has to stop laughing when she realizes that Guliano isn't finding this funny._

_CHANEL: Ok you're not laughing._

_GULIANO: Because it's not funny Chanel._

_CHANEL: Come on Gigi, can't you see what I am trying to do here._

_GULIANO: What?_

_CHANEL: I am trying to be part of your life, be a friend..._

_GULIANO: ...more like Alice's friend._

_CHANEL: Well that too._

_GULIANO: She's not here with me._

_CHANEL: Oh I'm aware of that. I am chatty not stupid._ (Drawing a deep breath) Do you _think she'll welcome me with a cup of tea and scones when I just show up uninvited to your place?_

_GULIANO: You know I actually think she might welcome that._

_CHANEL: What?_

_GULIANO: I'm gonna tell you something but only if you promise to get out of here as soon as I'm done._

_CHANEL: Yes sure, obviously. It's not like you're the greatest company I have ever kept. You barely say anything..._

_GULIANO: Chanel zip it._ (She listens) _Alice misses you._

_CHANEL: Yes?_

_GULIANO: Yes. Just this morning she told me she was thinking about calling you but she was nervous that you were not ready to be friends again._

_CHANEL: She said that?_

_GULIANO: She did. To my face..._

_Chanel is impressed but of course he's lying._

_CHANEL: Oh I wasn't expecting that._

_GULIANO: So yes, why don't you give her a call then or better yet go see her._

_CHANEL: Is she at home?_

_GULIANO: Yes she is. And I'll tell you something else... she and I were planning a trip to Aspen._

_CHANEL: Aspen, I love that place. I don't know where it is but I love that place. It's not the one in Berlin is it?_

_GULIANO: No._ (he says with a sigh.)

_CHANEL: Oh yes it's the one in Germany yes._

Guliano is too fed up to even correct her so he goes with it.

_GULIANO: Yes because Germany and Berlin are two different continents. So you should go._

_CHANEL: Go where?_

_GULIANO: To my flat, that's where Alice is. I know I said you should call but on second thought I think a visit will mean a little more. Here you can even take my house keys._

_She takes them very astonished by his manners._

_CHANEL: Wow thanks Gigi. You are such a great guy._

_GULIANO: I think I may have heard that a couple of times. Now go now._

_CHANEL: I'll call you later; let you know how it went._

_GULIANO: Something tells me I don't have much say in that._

He wasn't completely fond of Chanel but he knew as well as Jasper did, that Alice and Chanel miss each other anxiously as friends.

Indeed Alice was home when Chanel got there but instead of using the keys that Guliano so graciously offered, she opted for the old fashion knock.

And when the beautiful Alice opened the door, she wasn't aware that by the end of this conversation, her sly schemes with Jasper wouldn't be necessary after all.

_ALICE: What are you doing here?_

_CHANEL: I came to see you. May I come in? I promise I won't pour any water on the bed that you and Gigi sleep in._

Chanel was only too relieved when Alice returned the joke with a smile. Yes they have gotten to the point where they could share a laugh about this; no matter how life altering it actually was.

_ALICE: And if you did that would be ok, I am sure I deserve the sweetest revenge you could come up with._

_CHANEL: That revenge would actually involve a chainsaw, some sugar, pecan nuts, some brandy and a lot of oranges._

_ALICE: Oh I get it; you want to make sure that revenge is sweet and seedless._

_CHANEL: I knew you'd get me._

They look at each other a while.

_ALICE: I was just with Jasper..._

_CHANEL: I was just with Gigi._

_ALICE: So how about we cut out the middle man and have some scones and tea._

_CHANEL: Sounds divine._

They had tea together for the first time in months and made the trip to Aspen that Bella so needed more than just a possibility.

**A/N: Sorry I took so long to update…. Please, feel free to tell me how much I suck. :D Just a heads up only 3 more chaps left :p**


	44. Is third time lucky?

_**Chapter 43: Is third time lucky?**_

It's becoming a dreadful reality to come to see Belinda every week. We have gotten nowhere in the past 3 weeks, Edward was still angry at me and I still was having a hard time dealing with the scars his affair brought. We both know this is going to take time but surely if we were going to work out then surely something must have given by now.

_EDWARD: Bella and I haven't spoken to each other in a week, is that natural?_

_BELINDA: What do you mean you haven't spoken to each other in a week?_

_EDWARD: I mean since last week, when we fought at this office in front of you, that's the last time we had something constructive to say to one another._

_BELINDA: Bella?_

_BELLA: Well he did manage to give me an explanation for why he isn't getting a new assistant._

_BELINDA: And what explanation is that, if you don't mind me asking._

Bella looks at Edward. His look says he minds.

_BELLA: Edward minds._

_EDWARD: I told her the real reason I didn't want another assistant was because I was scared that I didn't trust myself anymore._

_BELINDA: That you were capable of having another affair._

_EDWARD: see the thing is I use to believe that my love for Bella was so strong it could help me overcome anything. But I think we all know that was a lie._

_BELINDA: But you said you love Bella now more than ever._

_EDWARD: It's not my love for Bella that's the problem..._

_BELINDA: Then what is?_

_BELLA: My love for Jake...Edward is afraid that so long as I love Jake then he and I can't move on._

_BELINDA: is that true Edward?_

_EDWARD: (Pause) she was going to skip town with this man, I doubt we've come off clean from all his wrath._

_BELINDA: But you had an affair and she is here working it out with you._

_BELLA: That's not the issue... (Looking at Edward) the issue is; Edward doesn't feel he's the only one who had an affair, I did too. And because I didn't act on it like he did doesn't mean I am less guilty..._

_EDWARD: It's not so much about who is guiltier than the other. I know I've hurt her more than she's hurt me..._

BELINDA: You just want her to own up to the hurt that she did cause. I mean just because you hurt someone unintentionally doesn't mean their hurt doesn't count.

_EDWARD: And I can't help but feel like I deserve it, you know. Because of what I did, and how I treated her, I have no right to be hurt by Jake and what she feels for him but Jake hurts... _(Looking at Bella)_ he does Bella. Because Jake is where all my insecurities are, he's the only one who can take you away from me. He's the only one who can give you the one thing that all my money can't buy you. Your true love. I feel like you don't love me as much as I love you, I feel I love you more. I feel like the guy you are with simply because you couldn't be with the one that you really loved._

She starts to cry. She sees the pain she's put him through and she's not pleased with herself.

_EDWARD: I know I am being hurtful by admitting this but Victoria gave me something you couldn't ever give Bella; she gave me number one._

Silence falls upon the room for a while.

_BELLA: You're wrong._ (To Edward she finally said) _you're wrong because if Jake was the only person who is capable of taking me away from you then I would have left for Dublin. I chose you Edward, twice now I chose you over him and that's not some unexplainable fluke that just happened, it's because I love you_. _I love you Edward... deal with it._

We stayed our whole hour that day... for the first time since we started therapy.

I make dinner, two of everything. I am going to try and see if he'll sit with me after the powerful therapy session we had. He's upstairs in the guest room working on his laptop when I come in. I am unexpected; he didn't even know I knew where this room was.

_BELLA: Hey!_

He looks up at me, taken aback by my presence.

_EDWARD: Hey!_

_BELLA: I made dinner._

_EDWARD:_ (After a while) _I'll be right down._

We sat in the dinner table, quiet for a while but more worried about the quiet than we were last week.

_BELLA: Alice's organizing a trip to Aspen._

_EDWARD: Really? For her and Gigi?_

_BELLA: Yes, for her and Gigi. But mostly for us, she thinks we need to get away together._

_EDWARD: To Aspen? It's always snowing there._

_BELLA: Alice thinks that's the point._

_EDWARD: I've heard it's great though. I've always wanted to go._

_BELLA: Me too._

_EDWARD: So what did you tell her?_

_BELLA: I told her if she also invited Jasper and Chanel that we'd consider going. And I was thinking we never made it to our honeymoon, Aspen doesn't sound too bad._

_EDWARD: No not at all. You think Belinda will let us go though?_

_BELLA: It's not really up to her._

Edward is relived; he doesn't want to show it too. He is happy I chose him instead of therapy for a change. All in all it has been a really fabulous day for Edward and his marriage.

**A/N: 2 more chapters :D**


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45: The other side of the world**

The guys were the first to arrive in their cabin that night and all they wanted to do was settle on their rooms. They were grateful it came fully furnished and all they had to do to make it homely was put on the fire in the lounge which they left to Corbin to do.

Guliano did the same for his room as did Edward for his room. Edward who was still a little apprehensive about sharing a room with Isabella looked around to see if he could see a comfortable spot on the floor because he was sure, more than likely that's where he was going to be sleeping. He rested the bags on the floor and found his way to the balcony to enjoy the view of the place. He was overtaken by the white snow that covered the area and the high mountains that highlighted the outline of the place. He thinks it's beautiful and is looking forward to spending some time here with Isabella.

He could see the girls just pulling up on the land rover and wondered what the enthusiastic chit chat was about as he could hear their laughs all the way up here. Was it about Jasper, Guliano, him... do they talk about them and what it is do they say. Whatever he supposes... girls talk and if they talk about him then he is only to appreciative he still featured as the man in Isabella's life.

He was already emptying the suitcases to the closets when Isabella came in and while she too had been worried about the sleeping arrangements the minute she stepped in, she made it no obvious issue as she helped Edward unload the bag.

_ISABELLA: I bet your father wasn't at all that thrilled about you going away for so long?_

_EDWARD: No he wasn't but my father isn't part of my marriage. If he wants me to be part of his company in the future then he's gatta give me enough time to run my marriage._

_ISABELLA: But you're staying with him._

_EDWARD: I know it's disappointing..._

_ISABELLA: No actually I think it's a great idea._

_EDWARD: You do?_ (He enquired surprised)

_ISABELLA: I don't think you realize it but you're the only person who can keep that company up there when he's not there anymore. I think Carlisle needs you._

_EDWARD: I'm glad you understand._

Long quiet again.

_EDWARD: I was thinking maybe I could sleep downstairs in the couch._

_ISABELLA: Downstairs?_

_EDWARD: I could sleep later than anyone else and be up before everyone else so that they all don't see..._

_ISABELLA: ...just how much trouble we're in._

They look at each other for a while.

_ISABELLA: except I don't think it's that much trouble. I am sure we can share a room._

_EDWARD: yeah, I'll just get a couple of blankets and sleep on the floor._

Isabella does something that Edward didn't expect... she laughs, grabs him by the hand leading him to the bed.

_ISABELLA: No, you can share the bed with me._

Not that he doesn't welcome the news but he's a little confused.

_EDWARD: But I thought you said you weren't ready for that?_

_ISABELLA: I'm not but it's awfully cold outside, we can warm each other up._

That sounds great- Edward thinks.

_ISABELLA: As a matter of fact I am tired now._

She pulls Edward into the bed with her and although she doesn't allow him to make love to her as yet, she allows him to cuddle her all through the night. He didn't sleep a wink that night, he was afraid the whole thing would turn out to be a dream. Is it possible that they were finally getting back to being husband and wife? Is it possible that after everything that has gone on, they were finally what he always dreamed they would be the perfect couple?

She was surprised to find him awake when dawn broke and she didn't react with a panic as she would have a couple of weeks ago, she reacted with a smile then conversation.

_ISABELLA: Aint you suppose to be sleeping?_

_EDWARD: No I had something better to do._

_ISABELLA: Thought we agreed when we married that we were never going to watch each other sleep because it's too freaky._

_EDWARD: (Laughing) well it still is I am sure but I think just for now, it isn't._

_ISABELLA: Oh there you are Edward, changing the rules so they can suit you as always._

_EDWARD: Not changing them just bending them a little._

_ISABELLA: And that's not the same thing?_

_EDWARD: No, for some people it is but for me how about we say it isn't._

_ISABELLA: There you are... (She said laughing) bending them again._

_EDWARD: So long as you realize that I am bending them and not breaking them. And that will always be better._

_ISABELLA: Yes it will always be._

_EDWARD: I couldn't sleep a wink, I was just afraid I was gonna wake up and find you gone or something._

_ISABELLA: Edward we're in Aspen, there's no way I'd leave and you wouldn't know._

_EDWARD: Well I just wanted to be safe... so while you were sleeping I got up and stole your passport and hid it, you know just to make sure._

Edward knows when he hears the sound of her laugh that they are certainly going back to being what they were before he altered their lives with the affair. He is the man who makes her laugh and she is the woman he'll do anything to keep.

_ISABELLA: Ok I don't know whether to be flattered or freaked out by that._

_EDWARD: I'd go for flattered; it definitely looks good for me._

That laugh again. Isabella is thinking it too; the safety she feels with Edward is back. And that's why she's laughing so amiably, she is not afraid of Julia's memory right now. She is trusting of what they have built.

EDWARD: Because when you combine the passport stealing thing with the watching you sleep thing then I'd certainly fall under the crazy stalker umbrella.

ISABELLA: I've done some things that were pretty 'stalkerish' myself.

EDWARD: Really, tell me about them.

ISABELLA: Well I would have to plead guilty to the watching you sleep offence.

EDWARD: You've watched me sleep before?

ISABELLA: it was after I first heard that Aerosmith song; I could stay awake just to hear you breathing; thought it was pretty romantic.

EDWARD: Believe it or not that's where I got it from too.

ISABELLA: I believe you. You're pathetic enough to come up with something like that all your own.

She teased and he reacted just as playfully. They wrestle with each other, tossing and turning till that moment came when they stopped and looked at each other sincerely. Edward was on top which gave him the opportunity to just play with her face. She recognizes this look. She knows this look from the first night they were together. It had seemed like he could have been anywhere in the world but he had chosen to be with her again. And then he gave her that look, the renowned look that is responsible for her alone. He looks at her as though she is all that he can see and now she knows well enough to think that she really is all that he can see.

_EDWARD: I really do wanna kiss you right now._

_ISABELLA: So why don't you?_

The moment felt like the first time too because it carried all those emotions that night in Linksfield carried. It was powerful, wild, full and overwhelming. It left her gasping, wanting, longing for more, the type of closeness that she only wants to share with Edward and no one else. But today, unlike that night in Linksfield she knows Edward is the only man she wants to give herself to, Jacob isn't number one anymore.

She lets her mind drift though and without noticing backs off from the kiss. She's thinking about those last moments she spent with Jacob- that morning at the airport when they were suppose to leave for Dublin. How she had hesitated all of a sudden, how she had suddenly realized that this isn't what she wants after all... that she couldn't walk away from Edward because he came first.

_JACOB: The plane is boarding in 5 minutes, we have to hurry upstairs before we run out of time._

_ISABELLA: Jake, I am not going with you._

_JACOB: What?_

She had seen and hated the way she had taken him by surprise, how she had pulled the rug from underneath him.

_ISABELLA: I don't want to go... to Dublin I don't wanna go._

_JACOB: What do you mean you don't wanna go? That's where my place is and if we're going to start over..._

_ISABELLA: But what if I don't want to start over._

_JACOB: You wanna stay here and try to give it a go from here. I don't think we stand a chance with Edward around._

She had seen and hated the fact that he wasn't understanding her and what she was trying to do... hated that he needed her to be more detailed and to the point.

_ISABELLA: It's not what I'm saying Jake._

_JACOB: Then what are you saying?_

She couldn't decide whether he was only acting dumb just for the sake of having her say it or he was really so uncompromising in taking her with her that he wasn't prepared to be turned down.

_ISABELLA: I'm saying I want you to go without me._

_JACOB: Why the hell would I do something crazy like that? I came all the way from Dublin to get you back and I promised myself I wouldn't get on that plane unless you were with me. And now you're telling me that I have to go without you. Why do I do that?_

She had mostly hated that there was no other way but to come clean.

_ISABELLA: Because you've done it before but mostly because you're not Edward._

_JACOB: Are you kidding me, are you actually telling me that you want to go back to that guy after everything that he's done to you?_

_ISABELLA: I'm telling you that you're not him. You're not that guy I want to try and start my life over with... Edward is. And if that means that I have to get over what he's done, no matter how much it's killing me, my commitment is to him and not you._

_JACOB: just like he was to you when he slept with another woman?_

_ISABELLA: Everybody makes mistakes Jake, Edward has made his and he is sorry for it, I can't punish him forever and if I leave with you then I'll be making a mistake. I'm not bailing on him._

_JACOB: But Bells... you love me, you always did. He was just the guy you wanted to make it work because you couldn't have me but you can now because I finally know how to be that man you deserve. I know that._

_ISABELLA: And you're right when we started he was just that guy I could pass the time with while I wait for you to come to your senses but something happened along the way. I realized that he understood me more than you did; that he tolerated me and my problems more than you did, that he wasn't what I was looking for, that he was better..._

_JACOB: ...better than me._

Isabella knew then Jake would never be a problem again.

_JACOB: I waited too long didn't I?_

_ISABELLA: Yes you did. While I was passing time waiting for you, good enough turned out to be great. And I am sorry I can't leave that behind...not for anybody._

Jake can be many things but he knows defeat when he sees one and this is no longer his game to play. He leans in to give Isabella a kiss.

_JACOB: You deserve to be happy._

She watched as he left to board the plane regretting the fact that this may be the last time she ever sees him but content with reaching the decision she reached a couple of months but afraid to admit to herself all this time.

She's admitted it now though and as Edward looks at her, she knows she would make this decision many times over so long as it proved that Edward is the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

He's a little worried though, she had dosed off right after she backed away from the kiss. He is certain he's done something wrong.

_EDWARD: Isabella, are you alright?_

_She scares him more by not responding immediately._

_EDWARD: Am I moving too fast? I could back away; I don't want to upset you._

_ISABELLA: No you haven't. I just was thinking about something that's all._

_EDWARD: well I hope it's something good._

_ISABELLA: The best thing that has ever happened to me_.

She leans in to kiss him more ardently; he's waited too long not to respond with the same energy. His hands are roaming finding those places inside her gown that he never thought he would ever get to touch yet again. He is getting those moans from her that he thought would stay buried in his imagination... never again to be experienced nor felt with the intensity that he knew he and Isabella share. He is kissing those lips like he never thought he'd get a option ever again and he could only respond with heightened interest when he saw her body nakedly because he never thought he could be so adored ever again, and when it was time to make love to her he cried because he never thought he could be so sanctified again.

They stayed in bed wrapped in each other's arms just contented with the way things have turned out for them. They have discovered the happiness that comes with making things work.


	46. Epilogue: Simplicity, clarity and beauty

**Epilogue: Simplicity, clarity and beauty... **

(Isabella's novel … final paragraphs)

Simplicity, Clarity and Beauty

It's all elusive; it never comes with a guidebook. It's always said that if life were a movie then we would be able to share our lives with the people of our choice. We would be able to settle, modify and recognize the pattern of our lives. Change the characters and the story line as necessary and even more remarkably; we would question existing, the way it presents itself in the now, inspect it and then alter it all accordingly.

Simplicity, clarity and beauty all mean different things to each of us, varying according to experience, time and background but it all can be achieved by simply adjusting certain ground rules.

Simplify love. It has too many facets to satisfy everyone. It should be one thing…love… and it's only characteristic should be reciprocity. And its reason to exist… well like a famous poem once said… for love sakes only. Forget sad, sorrow, burden, love should be one thing. It doesn't get to be both sorrow and happy, help and hindrance; love should be a single thing. Why always struggle to understand something that cannot be

touched nor explained, whose source is unseen possibly even unknown. An emotion that carries more questions than it does answers.

Change love to eradicate disappointment and hurt. To avoid confusion and grief; limit love to a location where it can't control the thoughts or influence decisions that are made. Where love can't tell you whom to love and who you can't love. A place where you tell love who you love and it will always respond and be reciprocal.

See love as arrogant but lie and say it's withdrawn, while the truth is this; love is rude. Say love is immature because it can transform a full grown adult to a child and say they lie when they say it's good to feel young. But the truth is this love is always unwelcome, say they lie and say it always comes when you least expect it. So love will not be love if not for the lies that they create to make up for all that it lacks.

Clarify confusion and the other emotions that tag along with it. Deem uncertainty as unnecessary and as a torture that no one deserves. Label it as tiring and draining which can never be a positive for anyone living with them. See confusion as a lingering emotion, simply because… well it lingers… around. The questions here may change but the point is this; there is always a question. See confusion as easy to befriend, you let it move in for a couple of nights but now it stuck around long after its welcome.

The biggest confusion stems from the different interpretations. Take away colors; if people couldn't afford difference then confusion wouldn't be necessary. If they all see one color, there isn't space for personal interpretations and thus confusion a faint agony.

Beautify understanding so as to contradict everything that has been said above. Because real beauty rarely lies in the physical attributes of men. There's always a way to improve your look, or gain the importance of the way that others see you. All that has been eluded above is easy but it's not where I stand. To beautify my life I would welcome love with all its many facets. I would understand its many cultures and traditions for all that they stand for. Because should I understand love then I have simplified, clarified and beautified my life.

A/N: Yes it has been ages, but at least I finished! Yay. This is the end of Running on empty, I hoped you liked it and no I won't be writing anymore. But I will be spending my time on some other stores that I never got around to finishing love you all and subscribe to yours truly.


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